January 11, 2010


Surrounded is how I felt yesterday. Surrounded by reminders. Reminders that I am not pregnant.

Mr. Sassy Bud and I are close friends with another couple. They moved here about 4 years ago from Europe because he works for an automotive supplier with a company that has US locations in my area. We met this couple through mutual friends soon after they moved here, and it turned out they lived almost across the street from Mr. Sassy Bud and me. She is the only one of my friends I told about TTC. We wanted to have children close in age, and thought it would be fun to be pregnant together, but she wasn't quite ready to start TTC yet when we had our first conversation about it.

So, here we are, a year after I told her we were TTC. She stopped BCP in August, and got pregnant immediately. When her H told his employer last month that they were expecting, they got an unexpected response. They have to leave the U.S., soon. Of course I had planned on throwing her a baby shower, now it will just have to be much earlier than I had anticipated. The past week I've spent my free time searching for invitations, gathering addresses, addressing, planning, rushing.

Yesterday the four of us took a trip to Babies"R"Us to register for her shower. Aisles and aisles of baby products, baby clothes, pregnant women, and babies. I think I did a good job of showing her things I thought she would need, and wearing a smile throughout the day. I've become good at hiding my feelings throughout this process. In reality, I felt like I was suffocating. Why doesn't someone just give me a big glowing sign that says "Hi, my name is Sassy Bud, and my body doesn't work."

I did make it through the 2 hour BRU excursion. The good part was that I was able to spend time with some great friends that will be leaving soon. I also got to help pick out a lot of her registry items, and since I'm a shopaholic, that was exciting for me. She deserves to be pregnant, just like all women (with a few exceptions) and she will be an amazing mother. This is what I remind myself when I feel bitter.

After BRU we went to a maternity store to look for an outfit for her shower. I ended up just standing in a daze while she tried on outfits. I think the stress from the day finally hit me, and my body was not happy with me. I had extreme lower back pain, to the point where it was excruciating to even walk, along with a migrane. I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in bed. It's amazing what stress can do to you physically.

I feel better today, thankfully. I have to focus on school, and that is very helpful in keeping my mind off of "other" things. In fact, this will probably be the most difficult semester I will have during my law school career, in terms of workload. Each week I have several hundred pages of reading, along with case briefs, analysis, charts, papers due, and research. It's a welcome distraction, and I am devoting myself fully to it.

If nothing else, it will keep me from staring at my chart every 5 minutes.



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