January 27, 2010

Big Fat Negative

Well, another cycle down, another disappointment.

I'm going to apologize in advance for the depressing tone of this post. If you want to be happy and blissful, please stop reading now.

I promise I'm not this depressed/resentful/jealous/psychotic all the time. Really, I'm not.

Things have just been hard lately. And they're only going to get harder.

You see, I know the reason that I'm not pregnant: We only had sex THREE times this last month. And we only had sex those three times because I insisted on it.

My husband told me last night that he doesn't
want me. That he doesn't want to have sex.

It's not a physical issue. I won't get into details, but the three times we did have sex, there was no problem.

And I'm just so confused.

We talked about having a baby, he said he wanted to. That he wanted to have a family with me. But now, it's like he's sabotaging that plan, like he's trying his very best to not make it happen.

Now, I know that I married a nerd. And I mean a socially-awkward-walks-around-with-his-fly-down-all-the-time-and-doesn't-realize-it nerd.

So, after we decided to give this a go, I told him exactly what I needed from him: "Babe, I need you to take initiative and try to have sex with me on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be every day or even every other day. I just need to feel like you really want to do this. I want to feel like you want me."

Man, it totally sounds like I'm just whining. But I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. How can a man not want his wife? How can he say he loves her, but not want to hold her? How can he sleep in the same bed with her night after night and not want to touch her?

It feels like he's not ready to have a baby and I don't want this to be something that I
make him do. I feel so lost. He's telling me one thing: "I love you and I want to have a family with you," and doing another. Do I trust his actions or his words?

I want to go see a therapist. I just don't think I can handle this stuff on my own. I've never done that before, so that will be a new experience.

Sorry to be such a downer again. Hope everyone is doing well and feeling those baby flutters!



C said...

I'm so sorry. Did you guys bd a lot before ttc? MH doesn't have a high sex drive and I take it personally way too often. Hang in there, nerdy bud!

Flora Bud said...

Im so sorry. did the drive slow down when you guys decided to TTC? maybe he is a little worried? Men tend to do that. They worry for everything.

counseling might help you understand what he is feeling and it would be great if he can go one day.

Travel Bud said...

I think speaking to someone about it would be a great idea. You don't want resentment building up towards your DH. I can definitely sympathize with the feeling that he's trying to sabotage the plan. Though my DH has a raging sex drive, it seems to die out during the Green Light Go time. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that things can get worked out for you. :) (((HUGS)))

Nerdy Bud said...

Thank you all so much! I cannot tell you how great it is to be able to talk about this and have support. You are wonderful ladies and I am very blessed to be part of this group!

To answer your questions... his drive was normal when we first started dating, then died off after we moved in together. It was even bad after we got married. Now it's non-existent. It's been getting progressively worse for a long time now, I was just too blind to realize what was happening.

Thank you again for the support. It means more than you will ever know. <3

Worry Bud said...

I'm so sorry NB...I hope that Mr. NB gets on the baby bandwagon & initiates sometimes. When we were TTC the natural way, I always felt like I needed to initiate too & it annoyed me too. When we are in TTC mode, it's easy to get frustrated when our H's don't seem as excited as we are. GL!


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