Tomorrow, Tomorrow.....

It's only a day away!!

I jinxed myself in my last blog when I wrote that the first week on BCPs flew by because the second week took F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Tomorrow I'll return to my RE to see if my BCPs have shrunk the cyst. It needs to be less than 12 mm for us to proceed safely. I'm so scared and anxious. Mr. Bossy & I have waited to move on since December, and I'm not a very patient person.

My nephew will be making his debut in a couple of weeks. My SIL told me yesterday that she'll probably be induced the week after Easter since he's getting bigger and she has such a small frame. It's funny how two months ago, I was super excited about being an aunt. I was getting used to the situation. Still extremely jealous, but getting more and more excited. I spoke with my SIL about our FET plans, and she couldn't have cared less. That broke my heart. With our "bump in the road", I've noticed myself slipping back to my old feelings. I feel like things are just not working out for Mr. Bossy and I, and I often throw myself a pity party.

Something else I've noticed about myself is I'm no longer as open about our infertility and doctor business with family and friends. I never told the world, but I shared with certain people. Recently, I've been keeping pretty quiet. I figure if people want to know, then they'll ask.

I'm going to close this blog with a song that I know we can all relate to. Grab some tissues.






Bossy Bud

It never hurts to ask.

It's shocking how much infertility can cost. Especially when your insurance doesn't cover it.

Mr. Bossy and I are OOP for all infertility procedures. Fortunately, my hysteroscopy was covered by insurance due to my PCOS diagnosis, and I do receive free metformin from our local grocery store's pharmacy because of their fight against diabetes. But nothing else is covered. Florida BCBS just doesn't have it in their plan.

We knew this when we began our journey, and we've been blessed with a generous family. We went with the Attain Program that works exclusively with our clinic. We paid $15,700 for four attempts (two fresh and two frozen). Meds for our first fresh cycle amounted to almost $3,000! Our RE is positive that one of our attempts will result in our take home baby.

After the d&c, Mr. Bossy and I returned to see our RE to discuss the FET protocol. As we were leaving, I spoke with the receptionist to pay for our visit (Insurance does cover for me to see a specialist. My co-pay is $40 per visit). The receptionist told me that we had a previous unpaid balance. [ I remembered receiving a statement in the mail from the clinic a few weeks prior with an amount that I didn't agree with. At the time, I called the billing department and spoke with someone in charge. She agreed that something wasn't adding up, and she would have her boss look over my account with a "fine-toothed comb."] I relayed the information to the receptionist, and she told me that the amount had become larger due to insurance not covering the entire d&c. Everything totaled to almost $500. I was livid. The receptionist was really nice, and told me that she would write a note on my account to have the billing department call me again. I did NOT pay the full amount that day. I had some calls to make.

I called my insurance company to question the amount that was not covered. I'm typically a very go-with-the-flow kind of person. I do what I'm told, and I don't rock the boat. Infertility costs have changed me entirely. I wanted to know why I owed such a large amount. A d&c is not infertility. Fertile women have miscarriages all of the time. I needed answers.

I spoke with a representative from BCBS. Now- with all of my anger, I was still able to be polite. I realize that the person on the other end of the line is not personally responsible for any mistakes that were made and being nasty to them isn't going to help the situation. I explained that I didn't understand the amount that I owed and it was more than I had expected to pay. The woman from BCBS was SO nice. As I explained our IVF and d&c, I began to cry. She completely understood, and she worked feverishly to find out why my coverage was denied. It took some time on the phone, but she agreed that insurance should have covered the entire procedure, and I should have only been charged my co-pay - $40! She submitted the claim to be re-reviewed and told me it would be about 30 business days until they made a decision. I told the representative that she was officially my new best friend!

The anesthesiologist had also charged me too much, and BCBS submitted that claim to be reprocessed. I was walking on air!

Yesterday- I received a new statement in the mail from BCBS saying that they had reprocessed my claim. I, now, only have to pay $40! When in doubt, it never hurts to ask!





Bossy Bud

No News Is.......Well......No News

I feel as if I havn't blogged in a while so here I am. Nothing too much to report though. I did get my appointment set up with the endocrinologist. They sent me my paper work and set up an appointment for April. Wait.....April? Yeah, pretty stinking ridiculous. I ended up calling them couple days later so I could be added to a cancellation list. It worked because I got a phone call yesterday saying they could see me this upcoming Tuesday. I'm sooooooo excited! I feel like this might actually give me some of the answers I've been looking for for so long. This journey began in September 2010 and it feels like 10 years ago. After 3 miscarriages, 1 ectopic pregnancy, and now infertility, I am so ready finally get my baby.

I know this might sound crazy, but I am praying for a PCOS diagnosis. I have almost ALL of the symptoms so I hope the blood work I get will show my hormones just aren't right. My testosterone was high about a month ago so I hope it hasn't gone back done, otherwise I'm afraid they wont give me any med's.

I got a positive OPK tonight. I figure we will do the BD for the next 3 days just in case. I hasn't worked the past 4 months so it's a long shot that it would work this month. I havn't started using my CBEFM yet. I wanna wait until my hormones are perfect before I use those expensive test strips!
Here is my current chart. I have FF so confused. Check out how many fertile days it has me set at! My cycles are so jacked right now!

Well, that is all for now. I will post again this week after I see my Endo. Cross your fingers for me! Oh, and a HUGE shout-out to Diva Bud for her AMAZING news! Congrats girl.....you deserve it!

The New Years Celebration is Over Rated

Well, 2012 is a bust already. My temps were rising at one point but now they are decreasing. Aunt Flo is def on her way to see me.

I guess the Femara didn't help me to get KU. I'm so frustrated. After 3 miscarriages and 1 tubal in the past 15 months I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. This is our 3rd month in a row that we were unsuccessful. I never had this problem in the past and here I am having to deal with "infertility" on top of a history of losses. My medical bills are stacking up to the point of disgust. There's no way I could ever afford IVF so I feel like this will never happen for me. I just wanna cry.

-Buckeye Bud

Infertility Etiquette

I don't know about you ladies, but it makes me crazy when someone I know tries to minimize what I have gone through. All I wanna do is give them a big smack on the head and walk away. But that doesn't happen and I simply tolerate the ignorance.

Getting pissed off about hearing someone say "Oh, I know it will happen for you," or "Just be patient, God will give you a baby," or "it's just not meant to be right now," sometimes makes me feel crazy. I found a great website that talks about Infertility Etiquette. After reading this article, I feel as if I have good solid argument the next time someone unintentionally dismisses my situation.We need to say what we feel and not let people who "think their helping" just irritate us even more. The added annoyance in our lives probably doesn't help our situation. We DON'T know if this will happen for us and we DON'T know that God will give us a baby.

Have a read.....this website is pretty informational =)

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Who Ever Said Nothing In Life Is Free?

So I went to pick up my script today for my Femara. Thankfully there is a generic for this drug which makes it much more affordable. However, to my surprise, this medication was not only covered by my insurance, it was FREE!!! Yes Free! How? Why? Don't know and don't care!

I grabbed those pills and pretty much sprinted out of Walgreens as fast as I could before they could tell me something was wrong. Is this a sign that I'm supposed to get knocked up soon?! Lets hope so! I will start on this medication around mid December.

Instructions for use: Take 2 tablets (2.5mg) by mouth everyday on cycle day 3-7

For the hell of it, I thought I would post some basic info about this Clomid replacement.
Credit: http://www.ivf1.com/letrozole-femara-infertility/

Letrozole, also sold under the name Femara, is being used commonly as an infertility treatment. It is also medication that has been widely used in women with breast cancer. Letrozole, taken during cyle day's 3-7, is a medication that is metabolized rapidly in the body and is not thought to have significant levels in the blood or tissues for a prolonged period of time.

Credit: http://www.advancedfertility.com/femara-letrozole-fertility.htm

• Femara is known to have a short half-life in the bloodstream and is given early in the menstrual cycle - several days before a fertilized embryo is present.
• It is believed that the drug has cleared from the system before the egg is fertilized. Therefore, it is puzzling as to how the drug could cause birth defects.
• The manufacturer of the drug has apparently not filed for FDA approval to use it for infertility. However, physicians often use medications in an "off label" way. When the off label use is safe and effective it is perfectly legitimate.

Another GREAT resource can be located at:
http://www.ivf.com/clom.html

And let me remind you of what my doc said......."All of the benefits of Clomid, but without the nasty side effects!"

Burts Bee Natural Overhaul

I've been looking into more natural ways to help with my PCOS so that I can get pregnant.

In researching some things I decided to switch to Burts Bees products. I ordered a bunch of stuff that should be in tomorrow and can't wait. I order them through a place that does wholesale pricing, which helps the bank account. But I did manage to go to Ulta and pick up a the facial cleanser and moisturizers and body wash.

So far I love the products and wish I would have switched sooner. All these products are free of petrochemicals, phthalates, parabens and SLS. All those contain harsh things for everyone, but can cause even greater issues for those with PCOS. Almost everyone of them cause a further issue with infertility in women with PCOS by causing a dominance of estrogen to be in the body. Women with PCOS already tend to have a dominance of estrogen and to much estrogen causes infertility, breast cancer and other things.

What I found through research was great and I am hoping after a month of switching away from products containing those thing will help my hormones further balance out so I can get on with TTC. I've also read some great reviews and forum posts and blog posts about others who've had things turn around for the better. PCOS symptoms went away or got extremely better. Also, infertility got better etc. To me it was worth adding to my list of natural remedies for PCOS. Next on my list is purchasing laundry detergent and house cleaners free of it.

In just the week I've been using the stuff that I have been using I feel a difference in me... more energy and hair feels healthier... my body in general feels good :) So I am happy so far.

On another note my cycle still hasn't started, but it so is on the edge of starting... I wish it would just start and get it over with... I feel so bloated and my lower back hurts and I am cranky lol.

Hope all you are doing well. I still can't wait till I get this moving done with.



photo credit

Confession time: I'm still angry

I don't know why, but this whole pregnancy I have been watching my "baby is the size of what fruit" ticker like a hawk, just waiting to get to lime.

For some reason, I have always watched other people's tickers get to lime and it has seemed unreal.  This safe haven of fruit size. 

I think anytime you have trouble trying to conceive, you start to expect things to go wrong.  I have had no spotting this entire time *knock on wood*, yet I still have been both terrified and sure something would go wrong.  Even knowing the odds, hearing the heartbeat and knowing the risk is only 4%, I still expected it to be me.  And why not?  Month after month we had perfect timing, odds are it should have worked.  But it didn't.  It took 2 cycles of femara to get here, which is far less than a lot of women I know.  Which I think is also part of the problem.  When it takes a while, you start seeking out others having trouble, blogs, message boards, you find each other for support, but you also see all that can go wrong, and you think, "if it can happen to them, it can happen to me."

I've heard a lot of women say, and I fully agree that T-TTC takes the innocence away from TTC and pregnancy.  You're never just happy, you're also cautious and terrified.  We learn to be that way when TTC, when every month we say "maybe it will work, but probably not."  And you hold you breath every day of the 2ww waiting for a temp drop, or a BFN, or that first spot. 

I always thought that reaching lime would be this magic bullet.  This time when I could stop being afraid, and angry about how this has all gone down.  But I'm not.  A friend whose wife is 23 weeks was joking yesterday about how when they conceived their baby, they sent their other kids to the grandparents for the weekend and announced to the world that they were going to make a baby that weekend.  And guess what, they did.  You'd think I wouldn't care anymore.  That I would have stopped being jealous of him and everyone else who just decides to have a baby, and then does just like that.  But I'm not, I'm still angry. 

I am pregnant, and I am happy, and I love this baby, but I still don't quite believe that it will all end well.  And I'm still jealous of those for whom becoming parents comes easy.  I don't want to be.  I hate being this bitter.  I want to be happy for my friend even when he makes stupid insensitive comments.  I thought I would be "over this" by now, but I'm not.  I just wish I knew how to let it go and just be happy. 

Infertility Checklist

Crazy, sobbing caused by watching commercials: CHECK
Talking to your follicles to make them grow (hey, it works for plants): CHECK
Looking at IF sites during work: CHECK
Scheduling weekend plans around medication times: CHECK
Have IF related argument with husband: CHECK
Having make-up sex via a catheter and technician: CHECK
Being very excited about fertile CM: CHECK

Even though I have technically been dealing with infertility for a few months, it is really starting to hit me that this is not how normal people have children. How nice would it be to go out and drink a bit too much and BAM you're pregnant! Or how about have a few nights of romantically planned passion? I can't even imagine what it would be like to not constantly think about IF, follicle size, CM. What did I think about prior to TTTC?

Mr. Plannerbud and I are coming to the end of our IUI journey. We has first of back to back IUIs this morning for cycle three. My doctor finally appeased me and upped my clomid to 100 mg. It did help. I ended up with two giant follicles, 20.9 mm and 30 mm. Hopefully size does matter! The numbers for the IUI weren't quite as good. 16 million, 63% motility, progression of 3, 5.04 total mobile. Everything is average or above average except for the count. Since Mr. PB's SA numbers are usually higher, the technician thinks stress and pressure have a lot to do with it. Our RE on the other hand says he isn't concerned. One good thing is that I had a plethora of fertile CM. The technician had to clean my cervix off three or four times before she could see enough to put the catheter in. Hopefully this is a good sign. We have one more shot tomorrow.

The Great, The Good and The Annoying

The Great:

Mr. Determined Bud and I have been in the middle of trying to buy our first home. As if infertility isn’t stressful enough, we have also been dealing with the stress of looking for homes, waiting to see if our offers get approved and then waiting for short sale to be approved by the lender. We found a home back in the beginning of December that we fell in love with a very cute little 3 bed, 2 bath home with tons of great updates. Now after 2 ½ months the short sale lender finally approved our offer! We are buying our first home! We are so excited to finally be in escrow and closing around March 11^th. We can’t wait to turn this house into our Home!

The Good:

Today is CD 38 (I normally have a 30 cycle) and finally AF has shown up. I knew I was not pregnant, after a few HPT & a Beta test. So I am very excited that she has shown up. I called my Dr. to set up an appointment for another ultrasound. Hopefully there are no cysts so I can start another round of treatments. Not sure if we are going to do another round of Clomid or try an injectable. I will keep everyone posted on which we choose. I am feeling very optimistic for this round!

The Annoying:

I guess because of all of the unknown and partly due to AF coming I have been a little more on edge than usual. Oh the Joys of PMS. I feel like all of a sudden every one of my friends and acquaintances on Facebook have pictures of their ultrasounds, pregnant bellies or newborn babies. I am happy for those women who are pregnant or just gave birth to their own bundle of joy, but at the same time I am envious of what I do not have. I can feel myself turning green with envy every time I see that these women were not even trying. I know all I am going through is making me a stronger person and an even better mother. It still feels like a stab in my heart every time I see a new picture on Facebook. I am so torn between happiness for these women and complete and utter envy!

That is The Great, The Good and The Annoying in my life at this moment.

Best of Luck to everyone TTC & my fellow Buds!

Why I outed myself

After spending much time on a variety of TTC, TTTC, and IF boards online, I realized I am significantly in the minority. It isn't because I am in about the 10% in my age group unable to get pregnant for no reason. It is because the majority of my family, as well as my close friends and some co-workers know that we are having difficulty conceiving and are seeking IF treatment. I am definitely one of a small number of women that I have met on the boards that is this open and I wouldn't take it back at all. My reasons for letting everyone know in general is simply I am very open person. All my family and friends knew that Mr. Planner Bud and I wanted children early in our marriage, so I definitely expected the "When?" question soon after our marriage. I had no problem telling them "Soon". Sadly, we realized soon wasn't coming soon enough and I began to think about who I should tell and how. I started with my family.

My mother and I have always been incredibly close and she quickly began to notice how upset I was month after month. It wasn't until about 6 months of trying that I really opened up her and talked about all the things I have learned about my body and myself. I felt a huge weight lift of my shoulders. I was finally able to open to someone in person. The boards were great, but the person-to-person contact was missing. I let her know that it was okay for the rest of my family to know if they asked questions. I know my aunt and her talk about grandchildren often. It never crossed my mind to keep this private from my small, but close family. The support I
gained over this past cycle supports this decision even more.

When I first started TTC, one of my friends was as well. We became a support for each other early. It was great to have someone in the same boat, until she got pregnant a few months in. It was difficult, but she was still there. I also have a super close friend at work who I have been very open with. She is the one I go to when AF shows up mid-day and I need to cry, she is the one who is by my side for every baby announcement at work (and there are many...damn fertile faculty).

My IF has even began a new relationship with a co-worker. Sensing that I could be dealing with IF, she reached out via private message on Facebook. Even though she is nearing the end of her journey, she is more than willing to answer my inane questions and fears.

This leads me to my most difficult decision: What do I do about IF and work? I am a teacher so if I have to come in late or leave in the middle of the day, I need to have someone to cover for me. Also with economy the way it is, cuts are imminent at the end of the year. For these reasons, I felt it was important that my principals and team leaders knew what was going on.

After getting my dx of IF, I set up a meeting with the principal and explain that we are struggling with IF and will need to go for treatment. Luckily there have been others dealing with this issue (including the friend who reached out to me). He just asked that I try to schedule the appointments with a thought about my schedule and try to get coverage within the building. This lead me to talking to my team leaders. Both of these people I am very close to and both knew that we were having difficulty.

Though many people are now involved in our IF journey, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have amazing support group around me and I am very lucky. I know for many women this is an incredibly private problem, to them I say try to find a support group. It doesn't have to be as open as mine; it could be a single friend or a RESOLVE support group. Either way, it is beyond helpful to have someone to turn to.

Ready, set, trigger!

First time I ever had to stick myself with a needle and I completed it successfully. Mr. PB wimped out and left me to my own devices when I had to take my Ovidrel shot mere minutes ago. To be honest it wasn't so bad, especially considering up until about 10 years ago I had a HUGE fear of needles of all kinds. I am now ready for IUI #1 tomorrow.

Let me jump back a few days. One Christmas Eve day, Mr. PB and I got up early to head to the ultrasound clinic to see how my follicles have responded to the 50 mg of clomid I took from CD3 to CD7. The ultrasound clinician who was working was incredibly nice and explained the whole process to Mr. PB (who had no clue what was going on) and me. Turns out I had two nice follicles ready, one in each ovary (18 mm and 20 mm). After getting some blood work taken, Mr. PB and I went home to stare at the phone until it rang with the results. The nurse called me by about 1 and let me know that I needed to trigger on Christmas night and come in for my IUIs on Sunday and Monday.

Since we live 40 minutes away from the clinic, we planned our course and times that we needed to leave. However, living in New England nothing can be that simple in December. My parents came over this morning for Christmas breakfast with news that the small snow storm we were supposed to get from Sunday into Monday has turned into a mini-blizzard (over a foot is expected). The great parents that I have fear we will not be able to make it to the clinic on time (7 AM) Monday and are paying for a hotel and dinner for us right near the clinic for Sunday night. Now not only do we have a chance for our Christmas wish to come true, we get a mini-vacation. This is just one of the many reasons I am thankful we have been open about our infertility.

Hopefully some Christmas magic will follow us for the next few days and give us IUI beginner's luck. As much as I love spending Christmas with my cousins and their children, I cannot wait until it is my child everyone is fussing over.

Beta #1= Success!

I just got a call from our nurse at the RE's office.

Beta #1 (9dp5dt)= 152! That is a fantastic number. I go back in 2 days to see if it is doubling correctly.

I actually got my BFP at 5dp5dt on an HPT. I decided to test early since that was really the only normal thing I get to do during an IVF cycle, and I was dying to know if I was PG. I tested out my trigger and it had been out for about 4 days. I got a BFN the morning before my BFP.

I woke Mr. Sassy Bud up to tell him and he said "Yayyy! Can I go back to sleep now?" To be fair, it was 3am. I was up getting ready for a football trip we were going on and he still had another 45 minutes to sleep. I thought his reaction was cute.

I am so thankful that I have had a perfect IVF cycle so far, minus getting very sick during the first week of stims. After 22 months, I can finally say, I am pregnant!

Embryo transfer complete!

Today I am 2dp5dt. (In English, 2 days past my 5 day transfer).

A 5 day transfer is done 5 days after the egg retrieval (as opposed to a 3dt, which is 3 days past the ER). 5 day transfers are usually done when you have a lot of high quality embryos and they want to see which ones are the best on day 5. I am lucky to have had 6 perfect ones on day 3 so they waited until day 5 to do my transfer.

The ET itself was quick and easy. They let Mr. Sassy Bud come in with me and we got to watch on a TV screen as the embryologist scooped the embryos up in the catheter and brought them into our room. Then we got to watch them being inserted on the ultrasound machine.

I can't remember the specific grading of the embryos, but they were great! Here's a picture of them:

At this stage they are called blastocysts. The mass is where the baby will form.

They also gave us a picture of where the embryos were placed:

The plus marks are where the embryos are. Not many people get an ultrasound this early, so I guess that is a benefit of IVF! Haha. I had a progesterone draw today. I will have my beta pregnancy blood draw one week from today. I'm not sure if I can keep from POAS until then, but I will probably have Mr. Sassy Bud hide all my tests so I don't test too early.

NOYB!

OMG, I totally lied all over my eye doctor's paperwork yesterday. I went in for my yearly check-up, been going there for years, but he's got all these new forms to fill out and I was unprepared for the invasiveness of the questions. It was like a TSA infertility patdown.

Let's see what I wrote down:

Are you pregnant or nursing? Yes/No
Not hard to guess my selection here. But, if they asked if I was menstruating, I would lie and circle "No." I'm surprised the form didn't ask for my LMP.

Please list your current medications, including contraceptives: _______________________
Um, where do I begin here. Does stopping BCPs for this cycle mean I don't take them, or I didn't take them last night but still in general I take them to cycle but not for actual controlling of birth? Lupron shots. Estrogen patches starting tonight. Estrogen pills shoved in dark places starting next week. Progesterone shots in the fanny. 4 doses of folic acid plus prenatals (with built-in stool softener) plus calcium.

Well shoot, there wasn't enough space for me to write all this down so I just left it blank.

Please list all major surgeries: ___________________________________
Do you REALLY want to know? What do 2 egg retrievals and 2 D&Cs have to do with my eyes? Like I'm going to tell you this. My parents go to the same clinic. Loose lips sink HIPAA ships. No thanks.

I left the line blank. It's not like I lied and wrote "None," right?

<List of health issues omitted but basically I had to go and put check marks next to all kinds of symptoms and maladies>

Other health issues not listed above: ______________________________
Am I supposed to write "infertility" here? Seriously? If my health insurance won't treat it, it's not a health issue and therefore I don't have to indicate it here. Thankyouverymuch.

What do you like to do for fun?____________________________
At this point I was so annoyed that I left this line blank. This is what infertility has done to me. (But the truth is I love photography, so I'm not completely devoid of inner life and happiness. I just don't feel the need to answer this question on some stupid form.)

In other more relevant news, I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looked perfect. No cysts to foul up the cycle, and I have to say that I thought my uterus looked pretty good (the lining was thin as expected, but I just thought it looked really good on the screen). I start my estrogen patches tonight and decrease my Lupron, which is a good thing because I've got a Lupron headache that's driving me crazy.

I'll check in as the cycle progresses.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Golden Bud

Started Stims

Yesterday I went to the RE for my suppression check. Ovaries, lining, and bloodwork were all good and they had me start my stimulation meds last night.

I am taking Follistim, Novarel, and Lupron. I am not having a good time with the side effects so far. I was up all night with pretty severe pain in my left breast. Hopefully this passes quickly. Taking 3 shots a night is not all that fun either. I have a lot of bruising on my stomach. At least no one else will see it. Now that the complaining is out of the way, I STARTED STIMS!!!! Things are moving quickly. Hopefully ER is soon!

My next monitoring appointment is in 2 days. I'll update with our progress.

IVF Update: BCP & Lupron

I feel like my pre-IVF cycle is moving right along!

I am on my 3rd and final week of BCP. The first few days I felt completely fine on it. Then I became an emotional mess for another few days. I think my body has finally gotten used to it. I feel totally normal now!

I started Lupron 5 days ago. Lupron is taken as an injection to my stomach. The first few injections were uncomfortable. The needle itself didn't hurt but the injection site stung for about 15 minutes after. I figured out that if I pinch the skin before putting in the needle and then let go of the skin before I pull it out, the Lupron doesn't leak out at all, which is what I think was causing the pain. Mr. Sassy Bud did my first injection, but he got home late the second night so I did my own. It was actually really easy and I prefer doing it myself. I never thought I would be able to give myself an injection so I am proud of that. I have heard some pretty nasty side effects from Lupron, but so far I haven't had any. I do my injection right before bed and feel totally fine in the morning.

On Sunday I go in for a suppression check. This is to make sure that the BCP and Lupron are doing their jobs. A few days after that I start my stimulation meds, while continuing the Lupron. I can't believe how quickly everything is happening. I should be all finished with my IVF cycle, including betas, by the end of this month.

#4

Well, the Betas are in and they are shit. I knew this was going to happen when I started spotting yesterday. Even though it was brown spotting, I knew what was coming. I've gone through it 3 times prior - I'm pretty much an expert!

So welcome miscarriage #4. You would think that I would be thrown a bone. At least one of these pregnancies should have been viable, right? Apparently not.

It is just so unfair. What a crock of shit it is that a financially stable, responsible, very much in-love couple cannot have a child. And I am just not saying this for me - I'm saying it for all of us that have been through or are going through this.

The thing that really gets me is that my body is perfect. Yes, I could afford to lose a few pounds, but that's about it. They have not been able to find a single thing that is medically wrong with me. I have had every test know to man done on me, and am surprised that I haven't been mistaken for a heroin addict, being that I have been a human pincushion for the past two years.

Wow, two years. Two years of trying to conceive only to end up with heartbreak in the end. Happy Anniversary to us.

I have an appointment with the RE next Wednesday. They are talking about shipping me up to The Cleveland Clinic for IVF with genetic testing.

I don't know what else to write. Infertility sucks.

Perspective

Getting off the infertility rollercoaster is such a relief. No more shots, no more pills up my chooch, no more sticky residue on my stomach. No more wondering....  Last night I took off my estrogen patches, put all my pills and needles away, and threw my cycle calendar in the trash. All signs of infertility and loss are now tucked away (again) in my closet.

I sent email to my donor coordinator asking to speak to my doctor asap. I was debating whether to switch doctors or ask for a second opinion, but I hate to ruffle feathers just yet. For now I want to have some idea of the timeline we're looking at. (Of course I already made my prediction in my last post, but I want to hear it from the doctor.)

I told my donor coordinator that I wasn't going to schedule another blood test. I am sick of blood tests, and I'm not ready to face the clinic staff in person. The condolences are appreciated, but we've already been there, done that. I'll probably POAS this weekend to see how things are going. When the pee sticks go negative, I'll make the appointment. Hopefully my body won't betray me yet again with hcg that sticks around. Can I please just go back to 0 like a normal person?

The reason I titled this post "Perspective" is that my cycle buddy, another DE recipient who also had a loss earlier this year, was cycling again about 2 weeks ahead of me and she just found out she has an extremely rare ectopic pregnancy known as a cervical pregnancy. We both got our BFPs but unfortunately hers stuck in a tragic way. My heart breaks for her...I cannot even imagine the pain she is going through. Infertility is so cruel.

A good CD1

Typically CD1 is a letdown where all your waiting and hoping for the cycle comes crashing down. This CD1 is different for me. It marks the beginning of my first IVF cycle!



I'm going to try to explain the IVF process as I go through it in a way that is understandable to those who have never been through it, so if I seem to "dumb it down" a little, that's why. This pic gives a general idea of the process, although in our case the egg and sperm go through a little different process. Because of our MFI, the RE will be fertilizing them.

Photo Credit

When I met with the RE, they told me to call on CD1 to schedule CD3 blood work. I will be going to the RE this Thursday to do the blood work, and I think they may do a transvaginal ultrasound then too. At that point I believe I also start BCP's. The purpose of the BCP is to suppress my natural cycle until they are ready to stimulate. A few weeks after I start BCP I also take a drug called Lupron which is part of the suppression process.



I am on BCP & Lupron for a total of 3 weeks. Once I stop the BCP, I will get a withdrawal bleed and with that CD1, my IVF process begins. During the 3 weeks, Mr. Sassy Bud and I have to do infectious disease testing along with training on how to do the injections for the IVF medications. Mr. Sassy Bud will be in charge of giving me all my shots. Fortunately for me, he has no issues with needles. I'm not a huge fan of them, but you do what you have to do.

I also got all of the information as far as financing our IVF process. Our insurance covers most of the procedures and medications. I am so fortunate to have this coverage! The total OOP expense came to a little over $2k, which includes our copay of 10% of the IVF procedure, the anesthesia (which may be covered but is not billable) and the surgical supplies (also may be covered). I believe all of our meds will also be covered. The only bad news is that with this IVF we are maxing out our lifetime coverage for IF treatments. If this one doesn't work, we will be 100% OOP for any other treatments we do. That is a scary thought, and the thing that is stressing me out the most about the whole process.

So that is where we are right now. I'll be sure to update after my CD3 appointment.