I Love You Snooki. I Hate You Snooki. I Love You Snooki.

Sorry I havn't posted in a while. I've just been really down lately. There are so many lucky women announcing their pregnancies that it just makes me feel so hopeless. I'm pretty sure I counted 13 women on my FB in the past three months makes their announcements. EVEN FRIGGIN SNOOKI IS KNOCKED UP (for the record, I effing love her)! It's bittersweet. I can't imagine living a life where this wasn't on my mind 24/7.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy that these women can experience this joy. But I sometimes imagine what my life would be like if I knew for sure this was never going to happen for me. And to be honest, it really does mess with your will to live. I'm a woman and it's my job to make and raise babies and the thought that this may never happen kills my spirit. But I won't give up....the hope is all I have to hold onto. On paper, it seems I have so many things worked out. My 4 pregnancy losses have been explained (so they say). But then in the back of my mind those aren't concrete answers so I'm left thinking.....what if these reasons weren't what caused them like they think.

My PCOS being discovered gave me hope for a minute. But then it faded because I study my Fertility Friend Chart probably 10X a day. It was my understanding that with PCOS a lot of women don't ovulate. Which is why I thought I wasn't getting KU. But According to my OPK's and several of my charts I do show that I ovulated (temp spike). That then leads me to think that maybe my hormones are saying I ovulated but the egg was never actually released. Then I start thinking, "well maybe it's Mr. BB!" Or maybe it's my CM. Maybe the consistency is off! AHhh what a mess I have going on inside my own mind. I need out.....but a break is not even an option in my world.

So that's where I'm at emotionally. Physically, I'm doing so so. I am currently on my 4th week of Glumetza (Metformin). I am at 1500mg each day and I'm not sure when I will be able to add in another 500mg. Week 1 was fine with 500mg. Then on week 2 I started at 1000mg. That's when I started to get insanely nauseous and my appetite dimished. I got brave 10 days later and started the 1500mg. I still feel nauseous but not as badly as before. I've noticed that about an hour after I eat (no matter what I eat) I feel SO hungry again. WTF?! I thought this was supposed to help me lose weight?! Nothing at all sounds good to eat but then I'm starved at the same time. This is bullshit if ya ask me. I'm hoping it's just a temporary side effect and will go away once I hit 2000mg's a day. We'll see.

Here are some of my other updates:

CD 3-7 I took my fertility med Femara (alternate to Clomid) each day for these 5 days.
CD 8-9 ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor stated Low Fertility.
CD 10- ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor stated High Fertility. Increase in CM. Did the BD.
CD 11- ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor stated High Fertility. Increased CM. Positive OPK.

I feel well equipped.....so beat it AF.....I don't wanna see your ugly mug anymore for a while! However, if that bish does decide to come this month, I have plans to get some PreSeed Sperm Friendly Lubricant. I get SO burnt out on the BD by day2 that my poor vajay get's tired! (LOL...sorry TMI). Maybe then Mr.BB's little swimmers will be more apt to hang around for a longer period of time up there. THEN, in 2 months, if that doesn't work, Mr. BB has to throw in the towel, swallow his pride, and go get tested himself. In the meantime, I will continue to take my synthetic folic acid, 81mg of Asprin, Glumetza, and my NeevoDHA prenatal.

So that's where I'm at and that's our plan Stan. I'll keep everyone updated on this CBEFM and if it matches up with my FF chart.

Long Awaited Answers

I'm not sure I had ever been more excited to go to the doctor than I was today. Hold on, I take that back. Baby 1's 1st ultrasound was the most exciting moment of my life until I found out I had miscarried. But any who, I went to the endocrinologist today and met one of the most amazing doctors I have ever had the privilege of directly dealing with. After going over my recent blood work and all of my symptoms (which includes severe facial acne, facial hair (blonde, thank GOD), oily skin, irregular cycles, high testosterone levels, and infertility) she was able to diagnose me with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome)!!!

It might sound crazy but I could not be more excited to finally have someone confirm with me that there IS something wrong with me hormonally. In June of last year I had a dermatologist tell me that my acne was due to hormones. In August I had an acupuncturist tell me many of my symptoms were hormonal (excessive sweating and body heat) I wasn't sure how to approach my RE about this so it kind of just sat in the back of my mind. I certainly wasn't as educated about the reproductive system as I am now, otherwise I would of spoken up about it.

So, rather than Metformin, which is what most women seem to be treated with, my Endo chose to put me on the brand name GLUMETZA. Unlike immediate-release metformin, GLUMETZA is released slowly and steadily over several hours. This delay in the release of the medicine may result in fewer stomach-related side effects, such as nausea, in the 1st week of taking the medication. She wants to get me up to 2000mg a day, so here is my future dosing schedule:

Week 1: 500mg 1x day
Week 2: 1000 mg 1x day
Week 3: 1500 mg 1x day
Week 4: 2000 mg 1x day

She also advised she would like me to reduce my carbohydrate intake to less than 120g daily and my protein up to 60g daily (at least). She says that will boost my weight loss since I'm currently at a standstill after losing 20lbs.
**Also, She said that my initial weight gain is what actually brought the PCOS to the surface. Since I have been off of BC since April 2010, the weight gain triggered it. And even after losing the 20lbs it won't completely go away. It has actually made it worse for some strange reason. It gets worse each and every week.

SO, my other good news involves my 2 MTHFR gene mutations, which my Endo happened to know a lot about. For those who don't know what this is......it's a blood disease that deals with blood clotting and the inability for my body to metabolize Folic acid. She explained that the Folic acid that I currently have a prescription for (1mg 2x daily) is considered synthetic Folic acid. She wrote me a prescription for NEEVO DHA. This is a prenatal that also contains L-Methlyfolate, nature’s active form of folate as found in leafy green foods. L-methylfolate is superior to synthetic folic acid. Several months ago one of the BB Blog readers commented on my post about this so it has always been in my mind. And to my surprise today my Endo mentioned this so I became pretty excited. This will be taken in place of my existing Pre-Natal 1x daily. On a side note, she did tell me that these mutations were most likely the cause of my 3 miscarriages (not the 1 tubal though). No one has yet to tell me that (not even my RE) so it was such an amazing feeling to hear that news. Nearly 2 years I have been waiting to hear that.

If you also unfortunate enough to have 2 mutuations of the MTHFR gene and would like additional information, here is the brands website:
http://www.neevodha.com/

Well, that is all I have for now, I will be very surprised if many make it through reading this entire posting. If you do, I much appreciate it :) So I end this cold rainy day with hope in my heart. Sad songs didn't sound so sad today, and my optimism is at the highest it has been in a very very long time. Please keep me in your prayers that I will soon get my baby back. I know he is up there waiting for me to bring him back down :) Let's hope the 5th time's a charm!!