Roller Coaster Ride

That is exactly what IF is. It is one long roller coaster ride that I just can't seem to get off of.
High - 20 follicles found on Saturday
Coming down - 15 eggs retrieved
Near the bottom - only 9 (60%) fertilized using ICSI.
Bottom - clinic schedules 3 dt since they have no confidence I will make it to 5 dt.

Well the last part is my feelings. My RE and I have planned on doing a 5dt, but clinic policy is that by day 2 6 embies need to be growing. I really feel as though if the lab had any belief that we could actually make it to 5dt, then they wouldn't schedule anything until the update tomorrow. I am already preparing myself for a fight. I WILL NOT go in for a 3dt. It didn't work the first time and I'm not taking the chances the second time. We are only transferring 2 embies and I really do not care if we have none to freeze. If this cycle doesn't work, then I am moving to a different clinic.

I just feel so beat down. Why can't this happen for us? Why is the doctor saying nothing is wrong when there is obviously sperm and/or egg issues? I will update you ladies tomorrow, right now I am going to cry in my gatorade.

Follie check #1

I was able to start stims last Friday. After four nights of 150 IU of gonal-f, I went into the clinic this morning for u/s and b/w. After a slight delay due to lost power and a few tears due to missing my one free period (damn hormones), the nurse told me I was off to a great start. I have quite a few smaller follicles on both sides and one to two that measure 10 mm to 11 mm. That was all the information I got. I am always so impressed by the ladies who ask for every little measurement and all the hormone levels. I always mean to ask, but I don't and my clinic does always volunteer them.

Because I am such a good responder, I got a prize today: an extra shot. In addition to 150 IU of gonal-f, I get to add cetrotide. Awesome! Add my acupuncture tomorrow and I will be lucky if I'm not leaking by the time I go in for my follow up on Thursday.

I forgot just how emotional I am on stimms. I really think my family believes I have cracked. I cried hysterical twice this weekend over silly little things. 1) Beyonce on the VMAs- really why can she have it all plus get pregnant 2)Children at family restaurants - I swear the guy at the table near us was propping his son up just to make sure he was right in my line of vision. 3) Missing my one free period today at work when really I wouldn't have done anything except chat with my friend. Can't wait to see what happens when I add more hormones and parents at Open House. Please oh please don't cry!

SORRY

I have been a very bad blogger this summer. You would think with the summers off I would have this time to blog; however I haven't had much time to sit down and write. I have also been tying to stay as sane as possible with everything that is going on. I did find out from our insurance company that even though I was originally told I had no infertility limit, I can only do 6 ART cycles. The no limit applies to a monetary limit. So without realizing it, I have used up 1/3rd of our chances to get pregnant. I have to admit this freaks me out a little bit. I know we would never be able to try once our insurance runs out. Hopefully this upcoming cycle works.

Just a few hours ago, I took my last BCP. Hopefully AF will show up again soon so that I can start stimming for my next ER. I am cautiously optimistic that this must work. Third time's a charm right?

It's Officially Negative!!

Today was the final day for my HCG levels to be detected on a HPT and it came back with a BFN!! I was surprisingly calm about it this morning and today but I just layed in bed all day moping. My parents did swing by to say sorry and give me a hug and then we went to breakfast at IHOP with them and my niece which was surprisingly nice!!

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck and spent most of the day crying, being crabby or just in general having a big pity party while attempting to clean our disaster of a house. I even baked some mini cakes that look like trains and presents that I am going to fill with cream and then eat them, YUM!! Mr. Explorer Bud stayed in the garage pulling an engine where he was safe, for the most part, from my craziness!!

I am glad that we know for sure and there is not a cliff hanger for a week. I am glad I don't have to take shots anymore or all the pills, not that I would've minded if I were pregnant but it is nice to be done. I took the patches off and didn't take anything today so it feels final. I will probably still have spouts of sadness and anger but I am mostly just feeling resigned that we will not be having kids in the next year or two. I think we will just wait to do another IVF cycle after Mr. Explorer Bud is out of school. Maybe that is what we are supposed to be waiting for in the first place so why keep trying. Of course there won't be any prevention going on in the bedroom but like the Dr. said it is less than a 1% chance of occurring naturally and that was before I lost my left fallopian tube!!

Hopefully AF will arrive sooner than later so we can move on with it all!!

And The Wait Continues

Photo Credit
Now I am officially another 48 hours which if my Beta were continuing to increase at the rate they did the previous 48 hours I should be at a 16!! I know pretty crazy high numbers there but I might as well put my amazing math skills that I learned in College to good use while I wait and hang onto this small shred of hope. I was going to do a HPT this morning but then decided I should wait till tomorrow or Friday so they would be higher if indeed they are increasing. Tomorrow I should be at a 32 and Friday should be a 64 and Saturday would be 128 which would be where I was about on day 16's Beta level of last IVF cycle which was ectopic.

I have not renigged the mass text I sent out to everyone that this cycle did not work because in all reality it hasn't but I do feel a bit guilty with everyone being sad and I am hanging onto a little hope that I can send out that text saying, "Guess what one did stick and grow and we are expecting!!" I got a lovely bouquet of flowers and one of the most well stated sympathy note that was the perfect mix of sympathy and positiveness. If I had it at work I would tell you what it said but it is on my fridge at home. I think that is what I hate the most about telling people is having to accept all the sympathies and wanting to talk when all I want to do is forget about it make it go away. I am excellent at ignoring the elephant in the room!!

Anyways, lets move onto any symptoms I am having of a possible pregnancy, by boobs are a little bigger, there is still no spotting or bleeding, the twinges/cramping has subsided to almost nothing and I have little appetite. So who knows I am still taking all the meds and man has this mornings Progesterone shot been smarting all morning!! Maybe it is because I am still taking everything that AF hasn't arrived to make it all final.

I will let you all know if I am brave enough to test tomorrow morning or Friday or Saturday!!

One Day to Go

I test TOMORROW!!! I am feeling eerily calm so I am not sure that is because I feel like it will be negative and it is the calm before th storm or if I am just feeling peacefully confident! I know you would think I would know what this calm is but I don't!! I feel like I don't have any symptoms except for those twings or cramps almost daily. I know there are not supposed to be symptoms right now anyways except those caused by all the hormones that I am taking but I want there to be so I can be sure that this time it is the time!! Last time I was pregnant just in the wrong place, the fallopian tube, so it's not like I can't get pregnant thru IVF but each time is different and just because it worked last time doesn't mean it will again. I guess I am resigned because this will be our last try for at least another year since we will need to save back up the money again!! Yeah I love saving money, not!!

5 Days Post Transfer

It is day five of the 2WW. Today is the last day that the embryo's should be hatching and starting to implant. By Tuesday they are supposed to be completely implanted and growing so hopefully at least one of those four are doing what they are supposed to!! I have felt some pinching feelings the past few days but I am not sure if it is the upset stomach from Metformin or implantation twinges. Hard to say unless I can look inside and see what is going on in there!! This is what a six day old embryo implanting looks like, weird huh?!


Photo Credit



Today was the Progesterone shot in the left cheek which is the most sensitive and I did a lot of walking, squatting, leg swings and this time there is not a big knot and hopefully no bruise either!! Tomorrow we fly back to the States!! YEAH!!

My Butt Is Bruised and Other Ramblings

I only have to do the Progesterone shots every other day but man is my butt sore!! The first two weren't bad going in but yesterday's was painful going in and I had a big knot for a few hours!! I was checking out my buns this mnorning in the mirror and I have several bruises sprouting up, hopefully this will end in a pregnancy so that I can feel like this was all worth it!!

Being on bed rest is soo boring!! The days drag and I am waking up about 5:30 each morning and not going to bed till 11:00 pm. Sleeping on my back is for the birds but so is laying around the apartment. My mom and I did go and get a snow cone today which was delicious. It had lots of sugary goodness that made my day!! The good thing about staying in Panama till Monday is that I will only have to wait 5 days for the blood test. Being here still doesn't feel like I am done with the IVF yet but just waiting for another appointment.

So far on this trip we have run into 4 people that are from Utah as well and we have had a wonderful time chatting in English with them. It is really nice being able to talk to someone in your own language when you are in a foreign country!! They of course ask why we are here and most of the time when people ask I will tell them why I am here but other times I just say for vacation. I am not sure why I just don't tell everyone but sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything or I figure they won't be all that interested. I guess I am still a bit self-conscious about people's opinions on what we are doing and don't want their pity either. I am fairly private with my problems and don't deal with with people's sympathies but I have been trying to work on that since I think it helps me deal with the process and my emotions. Mr. Explorer Bud likes to joke that he shows emotion like a girl and I like a guy! It is true but since being married to him I have slowly been opening up and learning how to handle the expression of emotion. Don't get me wrong I still will rarely cry in front of someone or express my emotions with people unless pried to do so but I am way better!! The one thing that makes me want to share my experience is that I have heard lots of positive stories from people of someone they know who was successful and it makes me feel positive about our cycle or when I am able to help someone else out with more information about the IVF process or where to get information. It is always amazing how many people who are in the same or similar situations as we are and it makes me feel less broken and frustrated. At least I am not the only one in this lovely boat!!

Embryo's On Board

My mom and I drove all the way to the Dr.'s office all by ourselves!! We were really nervous since this was only the second time to do it and the first without following someone. There is a huge three lane round-a-bout that we have to drive around which in Utah not that difficult in Panama a whole different story. We did it though and got a parking spot near the office and even got there early. We did get a delicious snow cone before heading out so I think the sugar eased the jitters and helped us get there!!



After consulting with Mr. Explorer Bud, my mom, the Dr., God, a few friends, and of course the internet I decided to go with 4 embryo's to implant. It is fun to get dressed into the surgical outfit then get taken to the dark room to view those little embryo's. It is like my own personal science experiment!! The four are all grade one and 8 cell so hopefully at least one of them takes. Then we get to head back to the "Operating Room" to do the Transfer. Of course I just have the little paper gown that opens in the front so pretty much you are spread eagle with the gown wide open. At least I am not embarrassed about my naked self otherwise it would make for a very uncomfortable procedure. I have the Dr., the scientist, my mom and the nurse all getting a good look at those nether regions!! This time I learned that I don't need to drink very much water for my bladder to be full, last time they said to drink 6 to 8 glasses of water so I did and had to let out my bladder several times because I was very uncomfortable! But the procedure itself isn't uncomfortable and is only about 15 minutes long. Then I get to lay on the table and chill out for a while which is nice.

I am supposed to be only sitting or laying on my back, walking no more than a mile per day, no hanging out in the sun, no activities that will make me sweat and don't get stressed. All easily done but it does make the 2WW a really long time since I am not doing much except work and home!

Fertilization Report

The results are in: of the 12 eggs, 10 fertilized with ICSI, 8 made it to day 2 and we will be transferring tomorrow around 2:30 in the afternoon. I am glad that we have 8 to choose from and we will decide how many to put in this time around. Last time we did 3 and one took but the Dr. suggested 4 this time but I am not sure. We will see tomorrow when we see the quality on day 3 of them.

Egg Retrieval

Today was the big day, the egg retrieval. I went in at 9:00 am for the procedure and was feeling great. The past two days I had some discomfort in my ovaries but that day I felt great and was ready to go. Besides how could I not be feeling great with the amazing get up that they give you for the procedure!!



The Dr. was able to retrieve 12 good sized eggs and Mr. EB arrived a 1/2 hour after the procedure to give his sample, so Monday I can call the Dr. and see how many fertilized and the time and day for the transfer. This time around I am feeling a lot more discomfort after the retrieval. I am not sure if it is because of more eggs or what but I am enjoying the Tylenol! The Dr. gave me my long list of meds that I get to start taking now. Estrogen patches, estrogen pills, progesterone shots, baby Asprin, loads of folic acid and an antibiotic. Oh the fun pill popping resumes but it is better than all the shots in the stomach!

For those of you that don't know what happens with an egg retrieval I found this great explanation and video.

"The egg retrieval is performed thirty-six hours after hCG injection. You are given sedation by an anesthesiologist through an intravenous catheter, a small tube in an arm vein. You are not completely asleep, but in a sort of twilight state; you remember very little of the retrieval. After you are sedated, the vagina is washed with a salt water solution. A needle is placed under ultrasound guidance into the ovary and fluid and eggs from the follicles in your ovaries are collected into a test tube and sent to the IVF lab. The whole procedure takes about 30 minutes, and discomfort is generally minimal. On average eggs will be retrieved from over two thirds of the follicles.

Click here to view laboratory footage of an oocyte retrieval."

Lots of Follicles

So I purchased a GPS map of Panama to download onto my friend's GPS that they lent me so we would hopefully avoid getting as lost as last time. Panama is seriously lacking with their road signage. Even in the city it is horrendeous!! Anyways so today on the way to the appointment I decided to go with Mrs. GPS and she proceeded to lead me across the canal towards the coast, granted I would love to go to the beach than go into the city but the city was where we were expected!! Mrs. GPS then proceeded to tell me to turn right as we are crossing the bride, on the highway to get me to turn around, which I would've done if there was a road to turn onto!! Anyways we got to our appointment 20 minutes late and of course it was a jam packed day for the office and we had to wait for about 45 min's before seeing the Dr.

Today I have 17 follicles, yes 17!! Last round of IVF I had 10 which I thought was pretty good. Of the 17, 12 are a good size that will probably be good quality eggs. That should leave us with a lot of options on what we can put back in!! So tonight I will take my trigger shot of Lupron at 11:00 pm and will do the aspiration on Saturday morning at 9:00 am. Of course Mr. Explorer Bud will be arriving at the airport at 10:24 as I am recovering from anethesia, so Eric,our medical tourism contact, will figure out getting him picked up and to the hospital to give his sperm to the Dr. It is funny that in Panama, or at least at this office they do not provide any lubrication, magazines or anything they just have to go to the bathroom to give the sample. Mr. Explorer Bud felt a bit awkward since he felt like everyone knew what he was doing in there and just waiting for him to come out!! I can only imagine what that would be like!! Good thing I get to be knocked out and resting!!

Oh and the drive went well today and we found a new way to come back to the apartment so we don't have to drive through craziness!!

Another Appointment and Counting

We met with the Dr. again and he said my ovaries are very full and now we have a lot of follicles, I can' remember how many but about 8 are a good size and the others are all small. So we are now on a daily schedule to visit with the Dr. until retrieval day that way he can adjust my medications daily and make sure everything goes smoothly. I don't really mind since I like see all those follicles in the ultrasound and I really enjoy chatting it up with the Dr.




YUMMY CEVICHE

Today on our drive back from Dr.'s office and then the fish market my mom and I were rear ended by a semi truck, oh so fun especially when you don't speak enough Spanish for any of the parties to communicate. Luckily we had Eric and Ilka, our medical tourism people, to translate for us via cell phone otherwise we would've been very lost!! This is our poor car



Luckily no one was injured just the poor rental car and about 5 hours later we were able to return to our lovely apartment and relax!! Oh man I am not looking forward to the drive tomorrow!!

Third Appointment

At today's appointment we checked those little follicles and discovered that two more have appeared, we now have 12. The Dr. said they are all looking like they are getting nice and big but he doesn't want any more to appear so he has decided to drop my Menapur down to 1 ampule and then start the Cetrotide today instead of tomorrow. The nice part is I am skipping a day of Menapur tomorrow and so I only have one shot tomorrow and back to two the following day. The Cetrotide was a piece of cake and I didn't even feel it which was lovely since my stomach is getting a bit sore and swollen.

While we were waiting for my appointment a pregnant lady walked by and we commented that she looked ready to pop, her mom turned and told us she was pregnant with twins!! It gave me a glimmer of hope that yes people do actually get pregnant with IVF and that I could too this again.

Second Appointment & Such

We have been staying on an island off of Panama called Isla Colon/ Bocas Del Toro which is a lovely place. We are literally in the jungle and across the road from the Ocean. We have tons of wildlife and it rains most evenings and mornings so it is a relaxing start to the day, since we don't have to go anywhere and can just swing in the hammock listening to the rain! We also have the properties dog named Lassie who comes and hangs on our porch with us during the day. We have been enjoying walking along the ocean and enjoying the wonderful warm weather! It is in the mid 20's at home so I am very glad to be gone!! Anyways... the Dr. threw in an extra appointment right before coming and of course it was in the middle of being here in Bocas. Since there are only two flights a day out and in I had to catch the early flight into Panama City and luckily they squeezed me into the first appointment slot. Then catch the last flight out at 3:30 back to Bocas. Each appointment we first do an ultrasound and check out those ovaries to see how they are looking. I have 10 good follicles growing which is nice to see, that is the same as we had last time. The Dr. had upped my dose of Menopur from last time but has decided that the follicles are growing too fast and is dropping me back down from 3 to 2 ampules. So Monday we will check again and see how they are growing. Other than that we went over my medications and I needed to get some more needles and syringes for the medications. Most appointments are pretty straightforward and short but it is always interesting to see the ultrasounds and look at the ovaries. They are soo strange looking with the follicles that look like big black holes in the ovaries.

So when I am on all the hormones the Metformin no longer gives me intestinal troubles, I think it is because the hormones make you constipated and the Metformin makes you have the runs so it evens out in the end. Weird but I really like the effect oh and my finger nails get really long and don't break, my skin is smooth and my hair is less greasy. Maybe that means when I get pregnant that I will be one of those that glow and have amazing hair and nails?! Let's hope so, probably should just focus on the here and now though.

Hopefully by Monday I will have been able to purchase a USB cord for the camera since I forgot that and the cord to connect the GPS to my computer so I can download the Panama road maps. Then I will post some lovely pictures of where my mom and I have been and the beautiful things we have been seeing.

Until next time,

IVF #2 Results and a Bad Day ...

Just got in from work after having a flat tire on top of everything else :(

I went for beta this morning knowing it would be low or negative because I started cramping late last night, bleeding this morning and I passed embryonic tissue right before I left for beta. Clinic called this afternoon beta was negative but technically this was a c/p. Not sure why I keep having so many c/p when all 0f my immune results are normal (This makes c/p #3). I have to schedule a WTF w/ my RE then I will do an FET in March or April. Overall I am still happy with how this cycle went and with my new clinic. Just trying to rest and now I am curled up in the bed watching TV. It has been a rough day... Thanks so much for all of your support ladies ;)

We Have Arrived

My mom and I are finally here in Panama!! This time around I was mostly packed a week ahead of time, met with my doctors and purchased a panama map for my GPS system to hopefully minimize my time getting lost!! Our flight was soo much nicer this time around as we flew business class and the food was 10x's better tasting and the seats were wide and comfy to sleep on which helped get some sleep as we flew the red eye. We arrived at 10:30 in the morning and Eric, our Medical Tourism contact, met us at the airport to take us to my first appointment. It was a good feeling to know that someone was waiting and things are taken care of and I can just relax and enjoy the journey. Last time there were so many unknowns, including if the medical tourism company was a scam or real! I remember flying into Panama City and saying to my Mom, "so do you think someone will really be there to pick us up?"

Our first appointment went smoothly, we met with Dr. Berbey's assistant and he did the initial ultrasound, we went over the surgery and what happened, my medicine schedule and our next appointments. It is a nice feeling to know what is going to happen, how to do my injections, what will happen at each appointment, and a past round to compare to.


This round I am on 3 amps of Menopur (10 days), 3 tablets of Clomid (3 days) and 1 amp Cetrotide (4 days). My first injection stung but I know that it will get better and then get more irritated towards the end of the two weeks but hopefully it will be all worth it!


We are are currently wrapped in our cozy robes and tucked into bed watching Biggest Loser definitely a good motivational show to be watching so I think I will have to take those people's dedication and hard work and transfer it to my IVF cycle!!

Snowbaby Report!

My RE emailed me this morning and in his words he said, "You have 7 beautiful expanded blastocysts frozen for your future use. Not too shabby : )" I had been praying about my remaining embabies and this truly made me realize how much I love my new RE/Clinic.

Pre-Panama Dr. Visits

This past week I met with both my Endocrinologist and my OB to go over what tests I should do if this next cycle works. I had my Thyroid retested because I have been really tired lately and that is usually a sign of my Thyroid being too low. Surprisingly my levels were excellent both the T4 and T3 were right below 1 which is right where we want them to be. The Dr. was extremely nice and positive about this second round of IVF and said that as soon as I find out I am pregnant to call and schedule another blood draw to make sure the levels stay where they should be to give this pregnancy the best chance of success. I was surprised that she wanted to test every 4 to 6 weeks which was way more than I thought but I will go with more than less at this point. Then I met with my OB to figure out the earliest we could to do an ultrasound to make sure there are embryo's in my uterus and not hanging out in my fallopian tube again! Since last time I had zero pain or discomfort at 7 weeks with an ectopic pregnancy he joked that I must have numb fallopian tubes and that we should probably keep checking the fallopian tubes even if we see one in the uterus! We also went over if he could write me a prescription for the Progesterone Cream that I get in Panama instead of the suppositories that they prescribe. He did agree that he could do that and so that is one less favor I have to ask of my friend who is a nurse. I am glad that I was able to find such a willing and supportive OB of me going overseas for IVF and to be willing to go the extra mile to make me feel comfortable that we are doing everything to have a successful cycle. I feel more comfortable and ready to go off to Panama for our second round of IVF now that I have all my ducks in a row at home.

A Relaxing Embryo Transfer

Well, I am home from ET after trekking it in the snow to my RE Dr. T today. After talking for 30 min we agreed to transfer 2 expanded blasts. They are going to watch my remaining embryos until tomorrow night to see if they become expanded blasts (my clinic only freezes expanded blasts) and right now he says they are early blasts. The transfer went smooth and they told me I fell asleep after the transfer and that they did not want to wake me up. I was only supposed to rest for 40 min and I woke up after 1.5 hours. So without further adieu I will introduce my LO's:




Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and I thank God that this has been a very smooth IVF cycle with my new RE.

Let the 2ww Begin...