Why can't I stop?

Seriously, I POAS a little while ago. I'm 6 weeks pregnant. I have no business POAS. But the week and a half between appointments to see the heartbeat has me in a total panic today.

The line isn't getting any darker. Granted, it's darker than the control line. A lot. But I thought maybe by now, the control line would have disappeared entirely.

I'm a total freak, I know. But I'm still having a hard time accepting this as real. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have horrible dreams every night about something bad happening and I tp check every time I go to the bathroom.

I really want to relax and enjoy this pregnancy but I'm having such a hard time doing so.

getting back to business is hard

I am emerging to the reality of what lies ahead from the bliss of vacation: no charting, no waiting rooms, no monitoring appointments, and no needles. I knew the chances of us being successful on a natural cycle like this were slim, but a small part of me was hoping against hope that some time away with minimum stressors was just what we needed and that this would be our lucky cycle. I thought it would have been awesome if we conceived a baby on the eve of the Jewish New Year.

I got really excited when I got a positive OPK on CD 13. Based on OPKs and CM, it seems like I O'ed on CD 15, which is the earliest it has happened in a while, so I liked to believe maybe the stars were finally aligning. Today I think I am 11 DPO. Like an idiot, I decided to just see what my temp is like (already on the low side) and take an FRER (BFN). In addition, my face is already breaking out.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement on the Jewish calendar. In the liturgy, there is a fair mention of childlessness. It is right up there with spiritual excision and the death penalty in terms of punishments warranted for certain types of sins. I am a religous person but I am not so black-and-white in my religious interpretation of things. Yet, reading those lines made me feel so sad and angry. What did Mr. Blueberry Bud and I do wrong to not deserve children? I know that is a very simplistic way of looking at it, and it is not generally how I feel, but at my most vulnerable on Yom Kippur I couldn't help but repeatedly mull this question over in my head.

Anyway, this cycle I loved so much not worrying about the constant appointments and not always knowing and worrying about exactly where I am in a cycle, if we will time the IUI perfectly, etc. With AF looming, it is now time to make the arrangments for our upcoming Clomid IUI cycle. It makes me cringe, but I know I have to suck it up and jump back into the game. I pointed out to DH that if we were to conceive this upcoming cycle, the EDD would likely be the same week he hopes to start a fellowship. He responded that we should only be so lucky to deal with that obstacle. Of course he is absolutely right.

Chart Obsessing

I am hopefully entering another 2ww this weekend. My temps have been all over the place this cycle. I have some problems with anxiety, and it was in full force for a while last week. I'm sure this had something to do with my temps being so high. I woke up several days with my heart pounding out of my chest. I have no real reason for it either, just normal life stress. This is what anxiety has done to my chart:

It looks kind of like an EKG!

I was afraid that the anxiety issues would delay ovulation, but I think I actually may have another normal cycle. The other night, I actually had EWCM! I have not had any since coming off of BCP. I switched to drinking green tea instead of taking the supplements this cycle, so I will attribute my fertile CM to that.

I also got a +OPK yesterday, along with 2 consistent higher temps. I doubt FF will take into account my "high stress" markings for the beginning of the cycle, but I will override it if I have to. As a fellow GP'er reminded me, beautiful charts mean nothing. They are just used to confirm O and measure your LP.

I won't stop temping after O though, because no matter the outcome, I like to submit my charts to the gallery to hopefully help others learn about their cycles.

This is my 13th month TTC. Sometimes it is hard to stay positive, especially when others around you seem to be able to get pregnant so easily. I give a lot of credit on staying positive to Mr. Sassy Bud. He has been amazing through this whole process. He was ready for children much earlier than I was. However, he stayed patient and never pressured me to make the decision to TTC. He is always so encouraging to me, despite the crazy things that have gone on with my cycles since we started this journey. I feel very fortunate to have him in my life. I hope to be able to repay him by making him a father one day.

Last weekend I hosted the baby shower for my friend that is moving away. It was so nice to be able to give her and her husband that memory before they leave. She got so many great gifts! I decided not to have any games at the shower because they are not really my thing. I think people spend enough time eating and watching the gifts being opened, that it is not necessary to make them suffer through doing silly things. Apparently the girls that attended agreed with me, because they all thanked me for not making them play games! Instead, we gave a few gift baskets away by placing stickers under the plates. Quick and easy, just my style.

So, here's hoping my temps stay up, and AF stays away!