Happy Barren Day to me.

Just got back from my second opinion, $365 poorer and full of bad news.

The doctor thinks that my "D&E with retained placenta" likely fvcked up my lining to the point of no return. Even if it looks ok in a hysteroscopy, the biology of my lining has changed and there's really nothing anyone can do. He said we could try a couple of mock cycles to see if things improve by some miracle, but it's unlikely. He thinks that after a fresh and frozen DE failure, the writing is on the wall and that we ought to save those embies for a gestational carrier. He gave me the name of an agency in Oregon, which apparently has better laws than Washington.

So now we have to decide what to do. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever be incapable of carrying a child.

But then again, that's just my luck, isn't it? 

Call me Debbie Downer Bud

I just noticed that my last post was wedged between a joyous birth and 3 optimistic & excited Buds.

Ugh. Really sorry to be the Debbie Downer of the bunch. Infertility is no fun and I'm sorry I'm never the bearer of good news.

Well for what it's worth, I went in for my beta test this morning, which seems pointless considering I already stopped all my meds (so sue me!) but I suppose we need to make the BFN official. The good news is that I had a chat with their very sweet receptionist and she gave me a thick stack of all my records so that I can get a second opinion at a competing clinic. And when I got home, I made an appointment with their top doctor for January 5th, a week from today.

It's such a relief to get some fresh eyes and ideas involved with minimal wait. I will probably go to the appointment alone--Mr. GB gets all kinds of confused and stressed out at these things, and to make matters worse, the clinic is right next door to the MFM clinic where we had our terrible ultrasound. Being married to Mr. Sensitive definitely has its downsides. Better to fly solo on this one.

And in case you were wondering, I busted into that big envelope and looked through all the records. Did you know they keep notes on every call and every appointment? There were records of all my surgeries, all my ultrasounds, and all the embryo reports. I found nothing surprising or disturbing (fortunately I already knew the karyotyping results of our baby otherwise that would've been a surprise). I can't make any sense out of the embryology reports, which is the only thing I am remotely curious about. But anyway, I'm content to hand off those papers and never look at them again. Good riddance.

I also made an appointment today to get my overdue physical. I love my primary care physician--she's young and hip and not at all the lecturing type. I'm kind of excited to see her because I have a laundry list of items to ask her about: I need a tetanus shot, and I'm going to ask her about going back on Lipitor for awhile--I've been off of it for 3 years while TTC and I'm sure my cholesterol is sky high. I'm also going to get some more acne medication and maybe some fancy folic acid/B12 vitamins. It'll be nice to talk to a doctor about health issues that aren't aren't about pregnancy (or lack thereof). And it'll be nice to go to a doctor and have the appointment paid for. I forget what that's like.

So it's not all gloom and doom here. I'm actually feeling pretty good, all things considered. I see us approaching the end of TTC road in 2011, and we are going to have to pick a new path. I think Mr. GB is a little bit in denial and has put off a conversation about next steps, but ultimately he wants a baby, too. Puppies and rainbows and miracles don't seem to be working. Maybe adoption is our only choice. Maybe surrogacy. Maybe a new clinic & some vaginal Viagra will help my lining. Who knows.

Golden Bud

I Hate Facebook

How is it that every time I miscarry, as soon as I sign onto Facebook a friend of mine has updated their profile picture with a sonogram picture and everyone is all OMG! Congrats! Are you pregnant? Is it a boy or a girl? When are you due? I've had enough.

I'll admit, I'm bitter right now. In the past I have half-heartily written my own congrats on my friend's Facebook wall, but this time I just cannot do it. Come to think of it, in the past I have done a lot. I have shopped for maternity clothes with friends, bought baby outfits, planned baby showers and marked on my calendar when they were finding out the sex because I thought that I just had to get over it and stop being so selfish. Now? I just cannot do it anymore.

Please don't misunderstand - I am very happy for my friends, but right now the wound is too fresh and I just cannot fake it anymore. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. What it comes down to is this: In the past two years I have been pregnant a total of 4 times. And all I have to show for it is an extra 30 lbs, saggy bubbies and more heartbreak than anyone can imagine. I'm starting to lose faith, and I'm scared that I will never be able to carry a baby to term.

Mr. SB and I have an appointment next Monday (our anniversary! what a way to spend it.) with a high risk pregnancy specialist. We are going to see what they have to say. Our old doctor, whom I still adore, has done all that he can for us. He did his job. He got us pregnant. Now we need to move on to someone who can keep me pregnant.

We have decided that if our new doctor wants us just to try again without a new plan of action, we will move onto the next. I think it is silly to keep trying the same thing and expect different results (also the definition of insanity, I believe).

But right now I choose to be bitter. I choose to hate all things baby on Facebook and I choose to cry in front of others. I have always been perceived as being strong, unemotional and on occasions, have been accused of not having tear ducts. I realize now I cannot keep up this act anymore. I need to start being real.

Diagnosis: Crappy Luck

Lesson learned - always go with your gut feeling. There was a reason why I felt uncomfortable about my new RE.

On Monday, I spotted - just once - and it never came back. It was way too early for my period, so I immediately thought this was implantation bleeding and had a minor freak out (and by minor I mean major because I'm not one for surprises or things that aren't planned for). I called my new RE and asked about the progesterone supplements just in case I was pregnant. And do you know what I was told? I was told that they do not assist patients who become pregnant on their own.

Nope, no need to go back and re-read that sentence, you read it right.

And if that statement was not bad enough, I was also told that the doctor would call me back, but not today because he was on vacation. If I didn't receive a call back by Friday, the nurse instructed me to call them. You know, just in case I was "lost in the shuffle."

Again, no need to re-read. True story.

When situations arise such as this, I have to remember that I am a grown up and have to conduct myself in a "mature" manner, not like a member of The Bad Girls Club. And let me tell you, it took everything I had to not flip out on this poor, unsuspecting nurse and tell her what a crock of crap that practice was. I instead, thanked her for her time and immediately set up an appointment with my old RE to go over the information I was given with my second opinion (woo hoo! grown up status has been achieved!).

And just as I suspected, every single test the Second Opinion RE wanted to do on me was not necessary. Dr. T just kept repeating, "It wouldn't hurt, but its not necessary." It was nice to know that my current doctor is more concerned about keeping me pregnant than getting a fat payout.

So, I'm back with Dr. T and will start my Clomid again this cycle (hold onto your butts, readers). My TTC hiatus has officially ended only after 2 months (but 10 lbs gone!). I'm ready to give this another shot and feel like I am both physically and mentally ready.


Let the baby making (and keeping) begin.

"Everything's normal" ~ shouldn't that be a good thing?

After our IVF BFN, Mr. Chef Bud and I talked about our next steps. We can't afford to dive right back into IVF, and honestly I don't even think I would want to at this point. I feel like there is something wrong, and for a doctor to just label me unexplained and want to go right to IVF just doesn't seem like a smart decision. We decided to get a second opinion, and made an appointment with a a group affiliated with the local university.

Photo Credit

We had our first appointment last month and it was such a refreshing change from RE #1. Dr. M sat down with us for almost an hour and talked through all of my issues, our failed cycles and what he thought we should do to move forward. We set our plan for the next three months which included:

Month 1:

Antral follicle count ultrasound and day 3 bloodwork ~ to test for my "maternal age" and see if my eggs are on younger, on track or older than my actual age

Saline Sonogram ~ to check my uterus for abnormal growth such as fibroids or polyps

Month 2:

Endometrial biopsy ~ to see if my cycle is "in phase". This will be done during my luteal phase to see if my lining is doing what it is supposed to be doing during this time of my cycle.

Month 3:

Mock cycle ~ using estrogen and progesterone to see if we can get my lining where we want it and stop the spotting

So far I've completed the antral follicle count (17 follicles), bloodwork (all normal) and saline sonogram (no uterine abnormalities). I feel like I should be happy and consider this good news, but I just want something to be able to fix. I want the doctor to say, "Oh, lookie here...we'll just take care of this and you'll be good to go!" I am trying to look on the bright side and be thankful that everything looks good so far, but I have to keep reminding myself that being normal = good news.

While I wait for the next couple of months of diagnostic testing, I have been trying to improve my fertililty by improving my lifestyle. I got the book Making Babies after a friend recommended it to me, and I am doing my best to follow the program outlined for my fertility type. I have changed my diet to be (mostly) whole, unprocessed foods (eating organic when I can), I'm limiting alcohol to one day a week, taking supplements, focusing on relaxing and destressing and going to acupuncture once a week. I feel like these steps are good for my overall health so even if this isn't going to be the magic formula that gets us pregnant, I will still be healthier. It's been a hard transisition to change my eating habits, but I think I'm doing pretty good and getting better every week. At least I feel like I am doing something while we save for another round of IVF.

So for now we're just moving forward slowly, which is definitely hard for someone like me who likes to be moving full-speed ahead. I'm learning that I have to be patient and give these lifestyle changes some time to take affect in my body. I haven't spotted yet this month and I'm already on CD 18, so maybe this stuff is really working and I will have great news to report at the end of the month.

Second Opinion

I had my first appointment with my new RE on Thursday. I think it would the understatement of the year to say that I felt overwhelmed. I spoke with both a younger doctor and the doctor I made the appointment with. They were very thorough and explained things to be very well. However, I still feel uncomfortable.



In all honesty, I don't think my apprehension has anything to do with doctors anymore - I think I'm just sick of dealing with this and sick of how it is consuming me. Oh, and I'm also sick of being a human pincushion. I believe I have been poked and prodded more this year than the Pillsbury Dough Boy himself.



However, unlike Poppin' Fresh, I don't enjoy it as much (and I don't giggle when it happens , its more along the lines of "I can't look at the blood you are about to draw because I will cover the walls of this place with vomit and then pass out.").



So without further adieu, here are the tests that will be run on Mr. SB and I - in list form because even though I'm not a Type A, I feel as though lists give me a handle on the chaos that is my infertility.



1. Seman Anaylsis
I questioned this one because hey, I'm able to get knocked up so why do we need this? They explained that sometimes an abnormal sperm will fertilize the egg and because of the abnormality, it will result in a miscarriage. They will take Mr. SB's sperm and do what they call a swim up (I laughed out loud at the name of this...Hi, I'm apparently 13). If some are abnormal, they will take the normal ones and do an IUI with me.

2. Glucose Intolerance Test
Because of my PCOS, they want to test my insulin levels beyond a simple blood test. Apparently my blood tests were on the higher side of normal (ummm did I mention that no one told me this?!), so they want to take it a step further. I'm excited because I get to drink that big sugar drink (I'm a sugar fanatic. Fun Dip is my BFF).

3. A round of antibiotics after my period
In case there in an infection, this will clear it up. Therefore, eliminating this possibility.

4. Estradiol, FSH and a Transvaginal Ultrasound on day 3 of my cycle.
Shockingly enough (please note sarcasm), my old OB did not test me for these on the correct day of my cycle, so they will need to be done again.

5. HSG
This was questioned as well because again, I'm able to get pregnant. The doctor told me that maybe only one tube would be open. I'm still wondering if I want to do this or not.

So this is where we go from here. During the appointment, it crossed my mind that hey, maybe this guy is preying on my infertility. So because I am never the one to sit out the sidelines (or shut my mouth), I called him out. Probably not the best thing to do since this will be the guy that will be poking me with needles, but I've never been the quiet, shrinking violet and I wasn't going to start now.

And what he said made sense. He said that I came to him to get answers, and he wants to test me for everything he thinks could possibly give me those answers. I accept this explanation.

So, if all comes back well, we start back on Clomid with Progesterone supplements and baby aspirin. This also satisfies me, as I have been pushing for the progesterone supplements with my old RE after M/C #3. Further down the line, if things still aren't working out, they will do IVF with hand-selecting the embryos.

I'm happy to have another plan of action, but still in the back of my mind I'm wondering if I am being taken advantage of. I'm opening the floor to your opinions. Let me know if you think this guy is being thorough, or just trying to get more money from my insurance company.

Amazing what a second opinion can tell you!

We met with the top ranked RE in our state this morning. I was highly impressed immediately when I met him. Dr. P is extremely detail oriented and very thorough. He spent 2 hours with us and had pulled up every single documentation that was in the hospital records system and went through it all with a fine tooth comb.

Dr. P said that he disagrees with everything that Dr. M said.

1. I do not need IVF. At all. He was incredulous that Dr. M even suggested it.
2. It's not a polyp. It's the same fibroid that I had surgery on in February. It's submucosal. Half of it had been embedded in the muscular wall and has now popped out into the uterine cavity and is preventing us from getting pregnant. It does need to be surgically removed especially due to the increasing intensity of my periods. He was concerned when he heard my last period was 9 days long and I was going through super tampons paired with pads and soaking through both in less than an hour.
3. He agrees that the right tube is blocked but disagrees that it can't be removed and he wants to remove it. This would mean I would only get to ovulate out of one tube every other month but it decreases our risk of ectopic pregnancy which is sitting around 10% right now.
4. He disagrees with the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve and said that my FSH should never be tested when my ovaries are covered in cysts because they cause increases in your hormone levels. My FSH in September was 7.8 when I had no cysts.
5. Mr. Sunflower Bud has (in the doctor's exact words) amazing and perfect "donor quality" sperm that he doesn't see very often. Naturally, Mr. Sunflower Bud is all puffed up and feeling good about himself right now.

He said that once we get in there and get everything out, we should have no trouble getting pregnant and he would want to do the IUI (artificial insemination) without any fertility drugs until I actually show signs of ovulation problems. He's very conservative about fertility drugs and feels they shouldn't be used if you already ovulate fine on your own.

I feel like we actually have hope now. If we can just get this fibroid out once and for all...

I go back tomorrow for another SHG so he can get a good look at how the fibroid is situated and if there are any others. He also wants a more in depth look for himself at the blockage on the right tube. Dr. M wrote that it was a hydrosalpinx and Dr. P finds it hard to believe that is the case but won't rule it out until he sees it himself.

Afterward, we'll discuss scheduling the surgery. Another surgery... UGH. But at least this time I know it's just a means to an end.

I held a 4 week old baby girl tonight for over an hour. Just the feel of her in my arms and looking at her sweet face gave me restored hope and faith that one day I will be holding one of my own again.