February 28, 2011

Test Day Blues with a Twist

So I had the first blood test on Saturday but since the Dr.'s office wasn't open that day I had to wait for the results on Monday. I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning finally at 5:30 am after laying awake since about 2:00 am with anxiety about the whole thing. I was having dreams that it was positive and then dreams it was negative, it was all very stressful even in my sleep!! So I peed on the stick and got this ugly result

As you would assume I wasn't too positive about the blood work after that. Although you always read and my Dr. tells me that they are not as sensitive as a blood test and don't stop taking your meds just because you got a negative on a pee stick. So I did the Saturday morning test early so that I would do the Monday morning test before I knew the results of Saturday's. I just wanted to be extra sure in case Saturday's wasn't good. All Saturday I was intermittently crying and trying to be positive about this cycle because that is what you are supposed to be positive. Everyone makes you think that if you are a negative about it that it will ruin everything so I holed up on the couch and watch Chocolate and It Could Happen To You and ate a lot of candy. You know eating your emotions is very helpful, always!! Mr. Explorer Bud then drug me out of the house to eat dinner and I got some delicious raspberry lemonade to feed my fake happiness.

Sunday I was feeling positive and ready for Monday, so I thought. Sunday night I slept for a few hours and then laid awake agonizing over what the results were going to be and I had to have a shot on my left side as well and was going to be mad if it came back negative and I had to take the shot. Finally I got out of bed and read a book downstairs on the couch and tried not to agonize over what might be in a few hours. Mr. EB woke up and gave me my shot, the best he has done yet, and we packed the dog into the car and off I went to the hospital to have my blood drawn for the second time. Funny thing the girl checking me in said she wanted to be pregnant and that it just sounded like fun. I told her well I hope it is an easy process and good luck with that. Then she was asking about me and I told her we had to do IVF and she wanted to know what that was so I explained it to her. It is strange that people don't know what IVF is but I guess if you aren't immersed in it all the time you wouldn't really know.

At 9:00 am I put in the call to the Dr.'s office which they then take down my info and tell me the nurse will call me back. Yes so more waiting!! She calls back and says that it was negative and she is sorry. Me too, believe me, me too!! I tell her I took the second one this morning and if they would call me or if I needed to call them for the results. She said she didn't think they would be any different but I would need to call them back in a few hours if I wanted to get the results. Luckily I was at work, which luckily happens to be at my parents house, and flopped on their bed and cried for a while. Then sent out the mass text message to everyone who was waiting anxiously for the results as well, so at least I wouldn't have any calls wanting to know. Then I went in and cried on my dad's shoulder and then my mom's. It was a good ole' cry fest but you know you do feel better after a good cry. Then Mr. Explorer Bud got out of class and I went and picked him up and had a little cry fest with him.

So here is the mean weird twist of this whole sad story. Mr. Explorer Bud wanted me to call the Dr.'s office and get the results of the second test so I obliged. The nurse call's me back and says well the test shows that my level went from a 1 to a 4 in 48 hours which are really low numbers but hey I should do a HPT in a week and see what it shows. So of course I can't stop taking my shots, a gazillion pills and patches now because what if it works. Now this whole saga is just going to be drug on for another week. I can't get excited because I don't really believe that it will become anything but I am a little happier in that there might just be a miracle in the works here. So Mr. Explorer Bud is out buying 4 or 5 tests so we can do some testing this week and see what happens. There you have it the so very long story of our test results which are now To Be Continued.....

February 27, 2011

Still no AF!

I am excited and nervous that I still haven't seen AF! I also haven't tested either, a BFN is a huge blow (even though this is only cycle #3). Since I didn't temp this cycle I can only estimate that I am 12DPO. Last cycle was 29 days with a 14 day LP (although some of my TTC message board friends think I O'd later). So if AF doesn't visit by Wednesday I will test then.

As far as symptoms go I haven't had much. I have had some slight cramping, more like twinges in my sides today. I have had some serious gas today too, so painful I had to lie down. Luckily it is waning now. I have been somewhat nauseous yesterday and today but nothing too bad. I am definitely trying not to read into things though, last cycle was a real let down. I was so sure I was pregnant and then AF came.

My doctor told me that I could come see her if we weren't pregnant in 3 months but since then Mr. Buttercup Bud got new insurance and she is out of network. I might call her anyway just to see what she recommends. I am pretty sure Mr. Buttercup Bud will get a referral to a Urologist for a S/A.

I was pretty optimistic from the beginning to the middle of this cycle but the past few days I have become more pessimistic. With every trip to the bathroom I am always scared I am going to see AF. I will be sure to update with a BFP or AF announcement as soon as I know. In the meantime I will try to distract myself.


Buttercup Bud


I know everyone says this, but this pregnancy really is starting to fly by. I feel like just yesterday I was celebrating 6 weeks and then 8 weeks and now I am moving right along in 2nd tri!

I have had a rough week. Last Monday, I had my monthly OB checkup. I told her about some vision issues I had and my blood pressure was very elevated at the beginning of my appointment. I don't have any real doctor anxiety so I can't attribute it to that. My b/p went back down by the end of the appointment but she wants me on weekly appointments until we can get it in check.

On Wednesday, I had to make an emergency appointment with the OB's office because I was showing symptoms of developing mastitis for the 3rd time since my IVF cycle. This is very unusual and almost unheard of for a non-breastfeeding woman to develop. In fact, both this OB and my previous OB had never seen it in many years of practice. I was noticeably upset at my appointment, so the OB offered to have a breast specialist come in to look at me. He just happened to be working out of their office today. He made me feel a little better about things and he thinks the infection is probably related to the amount of hormones I was on during my IVF cycle. I have to go back for a follow up check after the infection is gone.

On a good note, we scheduled our anatomy scan! It s scheduled on the first day they would see me, 18w (March 9th). We cannot wait to find out what we are having. I am very excited that the u/s office is letting Mr. Sassy Bud's parents come to the scan with us. This will be their first grandchild and they are really looking forward to finding out with us. After the u/s, we will be doing some shopping! I have really resisted buying anything up until now (except for the few great deals I posted about previously).

I'll report back once I know if we are pink or blue!

February 26, 2011

7 Weeks

I want to extend a warm welcome to our two new buds: Cupcake Bud and Teacher Bud. I'm looking forward to following your journeys.

I also want to apologize in advance if this post is a little disjointed as I've had a helluva sinus headache today. This pretty much sums up how I've felt all day

(Photo credit: http://tinyurl.com/484vr9h )

One of the joys of 1st Tri is that if a medicine might actually work to relieve something that is bothering you, you probably can't take it. I'm not complaining in the least, I'd take this headache any day over another miscarriage, but it has made today a challenging one. This will pass though, I'm just repeating that to myself.

I'm pretty much in shock to have made it to 7 weeks, especially after the spotting I had last week. Thankfully the spotting from last Monday has stayed away save for a few tinges of pink the last few days. I know that is par for the course after a trans vaginal ultrasound though, so that little bit of spotting I didn't worry about. Symptoms have been picking up a little this week. I'm still lucking out in the morning sickness department. No tossing my cookies yet, just mild nausea. Its been a little more regular this past week though, which is a good thing. Since my ER visit I've been feeling more growing pains down there. (Are those round ligament pains? Do they have a name?) Just mild cramping in the ute area, nothing major. I used to mostly get it in the middle of the night, but the last few days its started going on in the day too. The girls have gotten more tender the last couple days too, and I swear my left nip is changing a little. Why just the left is beyond me, but whatever. I haven't really had much issue with fatigue lately. Naps are always welcome, but its not that overwhelming MUST SLEEP NOW feeling. I've noticed my hair is oilier than usual too. Just an observation.

I finally ironed out my insurance situation. The bad news is that I'm out of luck in terms of going to my civilian doctor. The good news is that I have the ball rolling to get things going with the military doctors. I'm bummed I'm having to adjust to another new hospital and system as I've just gotten used to my civilian doctor (we moved here this past fall). Some other disappointing news with that is that the first appointment they can get me in for isn't until March 10th, and that's just a meet & greet to go over paperwork and history. I'll be about 9 weeks at that point. They won't even schedule my first "official" ultrasound until that appointment is done. So, the soonest I'll possibly get to see the heartbeat is 10 weeks, nearly a month after this past bleeding scare. That's best case scenario, it could easily be more like 12 weeks.

I'd really like have the appointment sooner than later both to see the heartbeat (something I've never seen before) and because I'm itching to tell my mother about the pregnancy. I just can't bring myself to do so before I see proof of a heartbeat (the miscarriage broke her heart). Its really hard not blurting it out to her when we talk on the phone and she asks how I'm doing. We're planning on telling all of our immediate family at the end of 1st Tri, so hopefully we'll have had that ultrasound by then.

I guess that's about it. I'm thankful each and every night to have made it through another day still pregnant.

Best of luck to those testing in the coming days!

I have to pee every 5 minutes!

I know what you're thinking.  It's waaaaay too early in the 2ww to be having symptoms.  And yes - I know.  The real reason that I have to pee so much is all the water I'm drinking.

Why am I drinking so much water?  Because my veins suck.  No, seriously, they're terrible.  I have Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (JRA) and as a kid, I had to get blood drawn every 6-8 weeks for years at a time due to the medicines.  I was terrible about going because of my terrible veins.  They're small, they shift away from the needles, they have a hard time clotting after draws, and they had scar tissue over them due to the frequency of the blood draws.  The scar tissue has gotten better over time, since I am no longer on the same meds that required that frequency of blood work.  But, my veins still suck.  Anytime I've had to have an IV, they've had to get the anesthesiologist to do it, because the nurses can never get it. 

So anyway, I am chugging water because I get to have 7DPO blood work tomorrow, and I know the more hydrated I am, the better it is for everyone involved.  I'm also really nervous, because I have to go to a new lab.  Because I'm 7DPO on a Sunday, the only lab open is the hospital lab.  I don't know about anyone else, but I have never had good luck with hospital labs.  They're rushed, and they just jab, and jab, and blow off my initial "hey my veins suck, so please be gentle and use a butterfly needle" warning.

We're testing to see if my progesterone is low, so that we can do supplements if it is.  My last 7DPO blood work, it was, but I've been on Metformin for 4 months, and Femara for 2, so we want to see if that has helped at all.  I would love for it to be better, but I'm not holding my breath. 

This blood work also starts the worst part of the 2ww for me.  The 1st week, you know that there is no way to know.  The second week, however... yeah.  Confession, I often start POAS at 8DPO.  Shameful, right?  This time I'm going to try to hold out a little longer.  (Which I always say!) I'm going to try (try!) to hold out until next Saturday.  We'll see how I do!

February 25, 2011

Fairwell Pizza

Well, I suppose I will do my second post for the week :) How exciting... however, I am at a loss for what to say.

How about that starting next week I am kicking my workout into high gear (cause I so need to get back into routine). I started my weight loss journey a few months back and lost around 12 pounds, and then my husband and I just found out he is being forced to cross train into a new job for the military. So of course that means we have to move... which initially caused a lot of stress in the house for the last two weeks, which caused my pizza cravings to kick into high gear. I have an extreme weakness for pizza.. not just any kind either.. Chicago stuffed. I'm salivating as I write this... no joke ;)

The pizza is like a pie; cheese and toppings inside and sauce on top layer of crust. It's so good if you've never had it before I'd give it a try if there's a place around you that makes it. Anyways...

When I am stressed I don't crave sweets or anything else... just pizza. Let me tell you I have eaten more pizza these last two weeks then I have eaten in a years time. I have really tried to stay away from unhealthy foods and I usually have much more will power. But stress is my kryptonite :( and that is when pizza comes knocking on my taste buds.

I can give myself a pat on the back though cause I still did work out... not as much as I usually do every day, but I did work out. But I can feel the toll it is taking on me of not eating so healthy and not working out as much as I usually do. My body is going into fruit and veggie cravings... if you can believe that. And I so badly want to do zumba and my fitness routine with the kinect. So I've decided to have a fair well party with pizza this weekend and welcoming party for fruits and veggies.

On a side note I have been having some massive cramps and my boobs are soar as all gets up... so I am hoping this means my cycle is going to start back up :) Seriously, it needs to.. last time I saw aunt flo was beginning of November. For those who don't know PCOS causes many Cysters to have very irregular to no periods at all. But one of the best things to help with that is weight loss and vitex... so I am doing both. And I am feeling like it's working, which is a plus. Cause I need my cycle to kick back into gear in order to TTC so I can get my BFP. Let's hope it starts in the next couple weeks :)


One Day to Go

I test TOMORROW!!! I am feeling eerily calm so I am not sure that is because I feel like it will be negative and it is the calm before th storm or if I am just feeling peacefully confident! I know you would think I would know what this calm is but I don't!! I feel like I don't have any symptoms except for those twings or cramps almost daily. I know there are not supposed to be symptoms right now anyways except those caused by all the hormones that I am taking but I want there to be so I can be sure that this time it is the time!! Last time I was pregnant just in the wrong place, the fallopian tube, so it's not like I can't get pregnant thru IVF but each time is different and just because it worked last time doesn't mean it will again. I guess I am resigned because this will be our last try for at least another year since we will need to save back up the money again!! Yeah I love saving money, not!!

!4 and 15 week update OR Inception: Pregnancy Edition

Hello, ladies, and welcome, new buds!

Seriously, I have to post more. Life has been hectic, but even I'm starting to go "Wait, Cherry who?"

I am immensely sorry.

Anyway, updates.

- No more morning sickness! YAY! Except when I don't eat. Which happens an alarming amount. Pre-pregnancy, I was one of those people who could completely forget breakfast and not eat until dinner and be fine. You know those people. They're obnoxious and everyone secretly waits for the day when they discover chocolate cake and eat themselves to 400 pounds. Anyway, now that I'm pregnant, the habit is still to wake up fiftenn minutes before I have to be at work, throw on my clothes and jet. Then, at 9:30, right in the middle of morning circle time, my stomach says "CHERRYBUDFEEDMENOW!!" So I've taken to not only actually eating breakfast for the first time since I was in high school (I know. Revolutionary.), but taking these things to work with me:
Photo Credit
They keep my tummy sane. I will say that, when you are the "teacher" in a room full of one year olds, it's hard to sneak bites of cracker without having huge baby eyes in your face saying "So, you gonna finish that?"

- We signed up for childbirth classes today. The goal is to (gulp) get through labor without an epidural. Go ahead. Laugh. Roll your eyes. Pat me on the head and say "That's sweet." But I'm at least going to try, so we've signed up for Bradley Classes, which come highly recommended by several friends who have made it through labor without meds. We were actually incredibly late signing up, and only managed to get a spot because another couple opted out. So woo-hooo!

- My dreams of late have become increasingly disturbing. Seriously, it's like Christopher Nolan has invaded my head. The dreams are so vivid and real. Plus, some of them are a little on the..umm..naughty side and that's just a whole mess of confusing, when I have never felt less sexy in my life.


- And, lastly, this is what I look like right now. Ignore the gaping black hole behind me. Please. It was that or bear witness to my piles of laundry.


Until next time,


February 24, 2011

Pregnancy was not kind to me

Initially when I got pregnant with Little PB&J I swore I would watch what I eat and keep my weight gain to a healthy minimum. I thought I would be that glowing pregnant girl who was all belly. You know, I thought I'd be radiant. Bwhahahah. Aww, I was so cute to think that. Morning sickness set in and the only foods that were appetizing were french fries and sour patch kids. I did eat other foods along the way but these two items were the staples of my diet. Sad, isn't it? Thank God for prenatal vitamins. Anyway, that respectable weight I was trying to stay under was nothing but a joke and I ended up gaining 60 lbs. Whoopsie. I was a fat ass. Pregnant, yes but dude, believe me when I say I was a fat ass. And I had CRAZY swelling. I was notorious for the size of my ankles. Every where I went Mr. PB&J would beg me to show everyone. "C'mon PB&J just show them your ankles." It was like I was a traveling freak show.

I know the look of horror you have in your eyes right now! I saw it all throughout my pregnancy. And yes, it was painful. Please excuse my not so manicured nails. I wasn't about to get a pedicure in that condition. But to prove that I am human and not part elephant, here is a non-pregnant pic of me with smaller ankles. It's not the best pic, but I don't have too many pictures of my ankles lying around.

My ankles weren't the only thing that swelled. So did my boobs. All my life I have been flat chested (see pic above) and I desperately wanted bigger boobs. I never knew what it felt like to have a guy check out my chest. So I was stoked when my A cup boobs became a full D cup! And then began to I notice creepy old men looking at my chest. Pervs. Even when I was 9 months pregnant and 60 lbs over weight. Umm, me no likely. Give me back my small boobs. Kind of an awkward request but check out how big they were......

And why did nobody tell me to put on a sweater??? Because those things were out of control.

But all in all, I love every single minute about being pregnant! I just wish pregnancy loved me back! I can't wait to experience it again, as it was the thing I am most proud of. It was well worth it because in the end I got this......

And she's worth it :)

PB&J Bud

February 23, 2011

Back to the drawing board...

I want to start off by welcoming some new members to our Bud group... Welcome, Teacher Bud and Cupcake Bud!!!!! I can't wait to follow your TTC journey :)

I can hardly believe it has already been a week and two days since my miscarriage. Personally, I think I am doing pretty well. The last time I cried was on Friday afternoon. We had a little trip planned with some friends for the long weekend and were spending time in our hotel on Friday when I just felt really sad all of a sudden. I couldn't help but cry, despite what a good time we were having. Poor Mr. DBud has been so incredibly supportive... Honestly with all this that has occurred, I must say that I do not know what I would've done without him! But I do know that he is worried about me.

Today, I got another one of those pesky e-mails from TheBump.com (pesky since they are currently not welcomed, due to the circumstances) letting me know what week 7 is all about... Only I wouldn't know cause I freakin' miscarried! I changed the due date to NONE but I still get the e-mails :-/ hopefully they go away soon... Anyway, I sent him a text telling him. He got worried and texted my friend about it, telling her how I say I am fine, but I am not. The truth is I am not fine, but it is what it is. I know I will eventually heal, but I need to allow myself some room to grieve, which I have been. Now I just have to wait to carefully plan my next move.

On a side note, I did stop bleeding on Sunday, and haven't bled at all since. And today, when I used the restroom and wiped, the paper was a bit shiny... Looked a bit like EWCM. I don't know if this is a good sign, but we aren't going to even officially continue TTC until after my next AF. We are even going to do something we haven't done in 5 years... Use CONDOMS!!! Until after AF at least... Weird... o.O

So, here's a question... For those who have miscarried in the past... How long did you wait before you BDed again?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Introducing Cupcake Bud

Once upon a time in the cold land of dairy and cheese (aka Wisconsin) a girl and boy met at McDonald’s orientation. It was love at first sight for the boy, but the girl was a little unsure. Well, after a few shifts together the girl asked the boy to prom and from that day forward she knew they were destined to be together.

After 3 proms, graduations and everything in between the boy (now a young man) proposed to the girl (now a young lady) at their church... in front of all their church family during testimony time. The young man never gave a testimony and the young lady was confused and then became shocked when it was about her. The young man even made sure her mom and dad were there to see it.

Of course she said yes they had the date picked out and things reserved well in advance (almost 2 years in advance), but then September 11 happened and everything changed. The date he had to leave was before their original date they picked, but he wanted nothing more than to marry his high school sweetheart before leaving... and hearing this melted her heart... so they pushed the date up and were married on Valentine’s Day becoming Mr and Mrs Cupcake Bud. Then in less then two weeks later he left basic training.

After basic training and tech school (which added up to 11 months of waiting) they were able to start their life together at their first duty station; and they lived happily ever after....

If only it were that easy... despite that we are still happily married (even after 9 years of marriage people think we are newlyweds) our dreams of having a Baby Cupcake Bud were crushed in mid 2003. A random doctors appointment turned into us being told that the doctor thought I had uterine cancer (all this assumption off of some hair patterning on my stomach). She told me I had to have and emergency ultrasound and tests and then in a week I’d probably be having a hysterectomy. My world turned upside down and in 2.9 seconds at that.

After waiting for the test results and walking in a haze that felt drug induced I finally got the call that I did not have cancer, but that I needed to see an endo specialist. The day we met with the endo doctor our life changed forever. I was told I had PCOS. At that time they hardly knew anything and what they did know wasn’t completely true. For years we went on thinking we could NEVER have a baby and the only possibility of having a baby would mean fertility treatments and drugs and a whole lot a stress.

Of course we decided we’d go ahead and meet with an infertility specialist and start the process. Well, after lots of paper work, testing, charting days and months and then couple years went by and all that came of it was me feeling like a lab rat and our personal life invaded.... and I decided my body and spirit just could not take it any more. My light was about to be extinguished and I wanted to find me again.

This is when Mr. Cupcake Bud and I decided that we wanted to take a break and put it in God’s hands. We fully believe He can make the impossible possible. So, I did some researching on PCOS on my own. It was then that I wanted to try the natural route because I was reading a lot of ladies with PCOS had success getting pregnant. So I cleared out the fridge headed to the store and bought vitamins, supplements and new food. I also bought myself a gym membership and started working out. Four months later and 50+ pounds lighter my husband came home for mid tour and of course any military wife probably knows what happens then ;)

Well, the day before Christmas we found out we were pregnant. It was our little miracle and I can’t explain how excited I was and how thankful to God I was. Mr. Cupcake Bud had to go back overseas to finish his time. Leaving Cupcake Bud all alone... again. Which made what happened a few weeks later even harder to deal with. Cupcake Bud lost the little miracle cupcake and was crushed.

It was very hard to bounce back from and I subconsciously sabotaged myself because I was fearful that if I stepped foot on the treadmill or kept at my current weight or went down I would have to go through it all over again. And I just couldn’t do it. On the outside I was smiling and I was living my life, but inside fear was gripping me. Well, now two some years later I woke up and realized I put the weight back on and that who I saw was not me at all.

So Mr Cupcake Bud and I are jumping back on the TTC bandwagon. I am facing PCOS head on and going to get back control of what it took from me again. So here’s to my journey of going the natural route coupled with faith. I hope you all will join us on our journey and see another side to TTC that I know is not for everyone, but it’s what worked for us before and it will work for us again.

Many hugs, Cupcake Bud

Introducing Teacher Bud!

Once upon a time two awkward, 14 year old nerds met at a choir festival.  They had a lot of mutual friends, and fell into hanging out together in their awkward, nerdy choir group.  Eventually, they became closer, swapping fantasy novels and spending hours on the phone discussing the characters.  This led to a few double dates with other choir nerds, but alas, they just stayed friends though graduation and separate colleges.  Until one summer the choir group returned home, and both nerds (now 19 and 20) were single.  Amidst many crude jokes from friends, they began dating, and 4 years later were married.  

Hi, I’m teacher bud.  Mr. Teacher Bud and I have now been married for 2 1/2 years.  Last spring, my part-time teaching job went full time, and we happily hopped on the TTC train.  It seemed perfect.  Our ideal timing involved a spring baby to minimize my time off work and the need for infant care.  Mr. Teacher bud had a conference in Japan in July 2010, so we made it into a vacation – the perfect time and place to start trying for a baby.  

Four months later, we were out of luck on the spring/summer time line, and my charts weren’t very pretty.  With my history of menstrual issues in the back of our heads, we headed off to the obgyn for some back-up.  

We’re now in the 2ww of our 8th cycle TTC, and I feel like I’ve tried everything.  Foods?  Check. (Pom juice, green tea and pineapple core)  Supplements?  Check.  (B-6 and Maca Root)  Drugs?  Check.  (Metformin and Femara)  And don’t forget the tests.  I’ve had 7-DPO blood work, I’ve had thyroid tests, I’ve had glucose tests, Mr. TB has had 2 S/As each more confusing then the last.  

I know we’ve barely scratched the surface in terms of TTC tests and interventions, but let me tell you, this is more than I ever thought I’d need to know about fertility.  

Now?  After all of those tests, Mr. TB is making an appointment to see the urologist to talk about those confusing S/As (I’ll save that for another post.)  I’m waiting on my appointment with the endocrinologist to discuss my thyroid issues, and we’re both waiting on our appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist who can hopefully get us all figured out.  

With all of that waiting for appointments, it’s only fitting that we’re doing another waiting game as well – the 2ww.  I’m 2DPO on my second cycle of Femara.  That’s right, get ready for a boob-squeezing, chart staring, hopeful and pessimistic ride though hell.  And if this wait ends well, hopefully we can cancel some of those other waits.  Except for the endocrinologist – this thyroid thing should get figured out either way.  

Looking forward to sharing this journey with all of you,
Teacher Bud

February 22, 2011

New Cycle. New Plan.

So I guess by the title of my post you figured out last cycle was a failure?! It took six BFNs before it was drilled through my thick skull that I wasn't KU. I finally accepted defeat last Friday (11 DPO) and called my OB to set up a WTF appointment since I wasn't pregnant. He wanted me to wait two cycles after my Chemical Pregnancy before meeting with him to discuss my next steps. Thankfully my OB's office doesn't have a crazy wait and they were able to squeeze me in for a Saturday appointment. Nice. I always feel like the nerdy OB patient showing up eagerly with my charts in hand. My doc always gives me a little laugh and the side eye, kinda like whoa, you're serious about this stuff. Guessing from his reaction I assume that not many of his OB patients take this active of a role in the fertility process. LOL. But nonetheless, he is always impressed with my energy and does study my charts (or at least pretends to). It's nice to know that my efforts don't go to waste.

He looked over my chart, made a few notes, asked a few questions before he concluded that I have a mild case of PCOS. He had always suspected I had PCOS but this time he officially diagnosed me. Awesome. But hey, at least we have a starting point to figure out why the hell I can't get pregnant. We discussed testing and medication and decided that for my particular set of circumstances Clomid would be the best option.

"Wait, what about the HSG or the SA? Shouldn't we start with those steps first?" I was kind of shocked that Clomid was his first suggestion. His reasoning for bypassing those other options is because a) I have a 1 year old daughter b) got KU in December and c) have the same husband. But I was still scratching my head. "Why would you prescribe Clomid if I am ovulating? Isn't Clomid prescribed to people who don't ovulate?" Well, Clomid will help regulate my cycles to a more acceptable length, meaning I will ovulate sooner in my cycle. Apparently the quality of the eggs could be compromised due to late ovulation. Which might have had something to do with my Chemical Pregnancy in December. Gulp. You mean there's a real possibility I could have another chemical pregnancy? He said it's possible there was a correlation between the two but obviously we don't know that for sure. Yikes, that wasn't an angle I hadn't considered. That kind of put things in perspective for me, Clomid could help me get pregnant and possibly lessen my chances of another miscarriage.

::side note:: among my cycles in the last year, I have had two 60+ day cycles that had to be ended with a round of Provera. I also had one 19 day cycle in which I have no clue if I ovulated since I was on a charting break. And just recently, my last two cycles were 40 days with ovulation somewhere around CD 27.

My doc wants me to wait until I have had three cycles from my chemical pregnancy before starting a medicated cycle. According to my calculations, the earliest that would be is the beginning of April. Surprisingly, I am ok with the thought of waiting until then which is probably baffling to some of you. Patience is not my strong suit, hence my POAS weakness. Ha. But before you go thinking I have turned over a new leaf, I should disclose that I will be out of town and away from Mr. PB&J during my fertile window. So this cycle was a bust anyway.

So that's the plan stan. I am not pregnant, won't be next month either, and if I am lucky I will have a baby by January. And if you made it this far, thanks for reading my long winded update :)

PB&J Bud :)

Home At Last

I am home and man have I missed my comfy bed, my husband and dog!! I am sleeping way better and have enjoyed getting back to work. I am feeling super tired which is just the Progesterone but that means I am ready for bed at 9:00 pm! I feel like an old woman!! I still have been feeling twinges or crampy feeling every day so not sure what it is but I am going to go with that it is a good sign. I am on day 12 of the 2 WW and will be testing this Saturday. The bummer is the Dr.'s office won't be able to give me the results till Monday when they are open so I am sure I will do a HPT on Saturday so I will know otherwise I might just go crazy! I will start back doing taxes next week so either way I will be busy enough to keep my mind off of the results.

Halfway through the 2WW

Today is 7DPO so I am half way through the 2WW. The only thing I have been feeling, aside from a head cold and tiredness are light twinges in my belly between my pelvis area.

One of my good friends sent me a St. Gerard statue. For those of you who are not familiar, St. Gerard is the Patron Saint of Expectant Mothers and Unborn Children. My friend bought the statue at a Catholic Bookstore. It came with a medal, which Mr. Buttercup Bud is carrying in his wallet and a charm which I will place on a necklace. The statue has a prominent place on a shelf in our bedroom next to the unity candle from our wedding. Here is a picture of everything:

Image Credit

The prayer that came with the statue is for a woman who is already pregnant so I printed out the prayer for getting pregnant. Here it is:

O Good St. Gerard,
powerful intercessor before God
and Wonder-worker of our day,
I call on you and seek your help.
You who on earth did always fulfill God's design,
help me to do the Holy Will of God.
Beseech the Master of Life,
from who all paternity proceeded,
to make me fruitful in offspring,
that I may raise up children to God in this life
and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory
in the world to come. Amen.

Mr. Buttercup Bud and I said the prayer together last night. Hopefully between St. Gerard, the pineapple core, the POM, green tea and everything else, this is our cycle.

I am not planning on testing until the 1st which is 14DPO. Hopefully I can hold out that long and AF doesn't rear her ugly head. I would really love to bring home a little turkey around Thanksgiving.

-Buttercup Bud

February 21, 2011

Spotting Again (Updated with u/s pic)

Pretty much the same exact story as when it happened exactly two weeks ago, reddish brown spotting when I wipe. Thankfully, it seems to be winding down a bit...but its still freaking me out.

I've already spoken to the on-call doctor at my OBs office and the doc recommended taking it easy this evening (feet up, drink lots of water, no lifting or exercise) and give their office a call in the morning. Apparently they can see me if there is bleeding as its considered emergency care.

I'd really like to get in and get checked out tomorrow, no matter which hospital I have to go to. Preferably an ultrasound so they can find the source of the bleeding and (please, please, please) maybe see a little heartbeat.

Please keep Baby Cactus Bud in your thoughts tonight.

Update: I spoke with my doctor this morning and she said I needed to be checked to rule out an ectopic. Soooo, I got to spend the WHOLE day today in the ER. Awesome.

Results were mostly good news. Namely that Baby CB is where its supposed to be AND that its measuring correctly. I'm 6 weeks even going by my ovulation date (6w3d by LMP), and the little bugger was measuring 6 weeks.

There wasn't a heartbeat yet, but I'm trying to convince myself that is because its just a smidgen early. I know its roughly 50/50 odds to see it that early. I'm trying to take the measurements as a good sign and hope the future holds a heartbeat.

Here is a blurry first picture of Baby CB. The black blob is the amniotic sac and the white line in the blob is Baby CB.

(Yes, I'm a dork and took a pic of the screen because I knew they wouldn't give me a print out)

February 20, 2011

Waiting for the Big O

I finished my 3rd cycle of Clomid yesterday. I am so thankful to be done with those pills. I honestly felt like a crazy woman. Mr. Determined Bud left on Friday for a friend’s bachelor party weekend and partly because of all the extra hormones I bawled that he was leaving me. All Friday and Saturday I was in a huge funk because he wasn’t here. I am going to blame the hormones because I was truly excited for the guys and their weekend of fun. Last night after my final pills I went out for Mr. DB’s friend’s wife’s bachelorette party. We went out to a few local clubs and I was lost in a world I didn’t fit in. Don’t get me wrong I had fun celebrating her last week of being single but it made me realize how much I have changed in just a little under 3 years. I am so thankful for all the changes I have been through. I am so thankful to not have to be in the world of hook ups and dating. I am truly content lying in bed with Mr. DB dreaming and planning our family and future!

As for me, I am in the waiting to see if I ovulate. I get to start peeing on the sticks in 3 days. I always feel like I am peeing on some kind of stick either hoping I am ovulating or hoping I am pregnant. Hopefully this is my cycle; hopefully this cycle gives Mr. DB and me what we have been dreaming for!

IUI #3 part two

We went for our second IUI of this cycle this morning. The numbers were decent this time as well. 29 million total; I couldn't help but do a happy dance. DH's numbers have never been that high. However the motility was only 36%; I guess you can't have everything. Progression was 3 again and the total mobile was 5.51. Once again the technician said that I had tons of CM. Hopefully all of this is a good sign.
I have to call our Dr. tomorrow to schedule a pregnancy test on the 5th and even though I am trying to optimistic, I am going to ask what our next step is.
Fingers crossed!

5 Days Post Transfer

It is day five of the 2WW. Today is the last day that the embryo's should be hatching and starting to implant. By Tuesday they are supposed to be completely implanted and growing so hopefully at least one of those four are doing what they are supposed to!! I have felt some pinching feelings the past few days but I am not sure if it is the upset stomach from Metformin or implantation twinges. Hard to say unless I can look inside and see what is going on in there!! This is what a six day old embryo implanting looks like, weird huh?!

Photo Credit

Today was the Progesterone shot in the left cheek which is the most sensitive and I did a lot of walking, squatting, leg swings and this time there is not a big knot and hopefully no bruise either!! Tomorrow we fly back to the States!! YEAH!!

February 19, 2011

6 Weeks!

I can't believe my ticker for this pregnancy is now on Sweet Pea. Never made it past Appleseed last time. I can't even tell you how good it looked to see an image I'd never seen before AND see it say 6 weeks. Awesome.

Not a whole lot has happened in the last couple days. Only real news it that I might have experienced my first real bought with morning sickness all day yesterday. I'm still not convinced thats what it was though. I felt warm (to myself, thermometer was fine) and was pretty nauseous all.day.long. No puking, but that doesn't say much as I have a really strong stomach. Is it bad that I'm hoping its the pregnancy both to have a 'sign' things are progressing and because I don't want to deal with my husband being sick? Woke up feeling 100% today. So strange how things come and go.

Hoping all is going well in there. This is such a weird stage. I'm past the initial excitement of the BFP, but it feels like I'm years away from getting to see Baby CB on an u/s.

Speaking of seeing Baby CB on u/s, I got news yesterday (after an HOUR on hold) about the status of my referral. Rejected. I'm going to contest it next week, we'll see how that goes. As a back up plan though right after I contest it I'm going to go set up my appointments(hopefully including the first u/s) at the military clinic. I'm pretty much figuring the contesting will fall through, and that way I'll have the ball rolling for getting things going with the new hospital. If there's one thing I've learned as a military spouse its to roll with the punches...the only constant is change. Why should healthcare be any different? *sigh* Right now I'm just trying to be thankful that regardless of where I go for treatment, I have healthcare.

Infertility Checklist

Crazy, sobbing caused by watching commercials: CHECK
Talking to your follicles to make them grow (hey, it works for plants): CHECK
Looking at IF sites during work: CHECK
Scheduling weekend plans around medication times: CHECK
Have IF related argument with husband: CHECK
Having make-up sex via a catheter and technician: CHECK
Being very excited about fertile CM: CHECK

Even though I have technically been dealing with infertility for a few months, it is really starting to hit me that this is not how normal people have children. How nice would it be to go out and drink a bit too much and BAM you're pregnant! Or how about have a few nights of romantically planned passion? I can't even imagine what it would be like to not constantly think about IF, follicle size, CM. What did I think about prior to TTTC?

Mr. Plannerbud and I are coming to the end of our IUI journey. We has first of back to back IUIs this morning for cycle three. My doctor finally appeased me and upped my clomid to 100 mg. It did help. I ended up with two giant follicles, 20.9 mm and 30 mm. Hopefully size does matter! The numbers for the IUI weren't quite as good. 16 million, 63% motility, progression of 3, 5.04 total mobile. Everything is average or above average except for the count. Since Mr. PB's SA numbers are usually higher, the technician thinks stress and pressure have a lot to do with it. Our RE on the other hand says he isn't concerned. One good thing is that I had a plethora of fertile CM. The technician had to clean my cervix off three or four times before she could see enough to put the catheter in. Hopefully this is a good sign. We have one more shot tomorrow.

February 18, 2011

I never thought I'd say this...

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!

We had our elective gender scan last weekend and I knew immediately when she got there before she said it. You couldn't really deny the shot at all!!!

I was disappointed at first because I wanted Little Sunflower Bud to have a sister and do all those great sister things and I really wanted to be able to get all of her adorable clothes back out and use them again.

Mr. Sunflower Bud, on the other hand, was over the moon happy. There have been no boys on his side of the family. There are 4 granddaughters! His brother and sister are done having children so we were the last chance. Seeing his joy was contagious. It only took me about 2 days to get over my disappointment and embrace the fact that I'm going to have a SON. I get to mother both sexes and that is amazing to me.

My best friend and I went out shopping at Carter's the same day as my ultrasound and Baby Boy Sunflower Bud has the beginnings of a nice wardrobe!

My sister went shopping the next day and bought baby boy a bunch of things already!

My next door neighbor, who is also having a boy, and I are going out shopping Saturday night and having dinner. I'm so excited for this!

Here's a couple more shots of Baby Boy Sunflower Bud from the ultrasound.

Sucking his thumb:

And a beautiful profile picture of my perfect boy:

~~ Sunflower Bud ~~

February 17, 2011

This is the point where I start to lose it.

10 DPO. I think this is officially the worst day of TTC. I am on the cusp of being A) pregnant B) not pregnant and/or C) crazy. Right now I am officially C. I will be finding out in the next few days if I am either A or B. According to the test I took this morning I am still classified as B. The test was so white that even if I squinted real hard and cocked my head at a 45* angle I still couldn't envision that imaginary second line. You know, that second line you desperately pretend is there to lessen the blow of a BFN? Or am I the only one who does this?

10 DPO is the most stressful day of TTC because I start second guessing everything. Every twinge, every gas bubble, every yawn. It's all up for interpretation. And I am at the point where I can't distinguish how I feel. Am I nauseated? I think so. But then again, maybe I just overate at dinner tonight? And I'm kinda tired. But aren't I always tired this time at night? IDK, I can't really remember if I usually am or not. And FFS, I am sick of feeling myself up multiple times a day to see if my boobs hurt. The only thing I can conclude is my right nipple is sore. Weird. Does that classify as sore boobs? Eff, I don't know. If I weren't in my 2WW, I wouldn't be blinded by potential phantom symptoms and I could figure these things out.

And just to be sure that my pregnancy hopes are kept alive, my chart took a rather large temp jump this morning. If I am not pregnant this cycle I am going to be super pissed! And I vow to stop charting after O is verified. Eff that. No more being lead on by pretty charts.

So please send me all your sanity vibes/dust/whatever you want to call it so I don't lose my mind over the next few days :)

PB&J Bud

Scary Day Yesterday

Yesterday was the scariest day of this pregnancy. Started out normally (sick as usual). Before lunch, I went to the bathroom and just like I do every time I wipe, I looked at the TP. This time, unlike every other time, there was red blood. I didn't even know what to think. I was terrified, but told myself I had to hold it together and see what happened. So I gave myself an hour--ate lunch, drank some water, surfed the web, and promptly at the hour mark went back to the bathroom. I saw lots more red blood, went back to my office, and called the midwife. I don't know if it's a good thing that the nurse who answered remembered me from my last miscarriage, but she did, and she was able to schedule me for an appointment an hour later with one of the midwives. She also was able to send an asap ultrasound referral to the hospital, with the hope I'd get the call to schedule it while on the way to their office for my appointment.

Then I called Mr. Magnolia Bud, and just started sobbing on the phone. I think he only heard "blood" "appointment" "coming to get you." Looking back, I'm sure he was terrified getting that call from me. But he was great about everything. After I picked him up, we went to the birth center. On the way, we got a call from ultrasound scheduling, and we scheduled one for 8am today.

At the birth center, I had a couple vials of blood drawn, gave a urine sample, and then got called back to meet with the midwife. We talked for a little while about my history, and then she pulled out the doppler. We were a little surprised, since we're still considered borderline early for doppler, but went with it...and she surprised us again when she immediately was able to find a strong heartbeat at 160. We listened for a little while, and Mr. Magnolia Bud started to tear up. I was still in shock that there was an audible heartbeat! She did a quick pelvic, during which she didn't see the cause of the bleeding, and then we talked for a while longer. We talked about some homeopathic remedies for nausea and insomnia, including nux vomica (nausea), calms forte, coffea cruda, calcarea, passiflora, pulsatilla, and aconite (all for sleep). She gave me a sample of nux vomica and calms forte--I tried the nux yesterday, and it kept me nausea-free for a couple of hours, it was great!

Anyway, back to yesterday's tale. After she finished checking me out, she said she didn't see any reason to worry. She said it was up to us whether to keep the ultrasound appointment, and she told me that oftentimes, stress can cause obscure reactions in women--including bleeding. I told her what had been going on with my job (promotion, awkward work situation with the former director now working for me, etc), and she said to minimize my stress and delegate wherever I could.

We ended up keeping the ultrasound appointment for another fistful of reassurance. Bright and early this morning, we headed in to the hospital for our appointment. The tech was one of the ones I had had during my miscarriage, though she didn't remember us. She too was able to find a strong heartbeat right away at 174, and the baby was measuring 10w1d. The doctor said at this point, they'll keep my EDD the same, and my risk of miscarriage has dropped to minuscule percentages since we've seen the heartbeat twice and are able to hear it on the doppler. He didn't see anything that could explain the bleeding, so to be safe, put me on pelvic rest and gym restriction for a week after the bleeding stops. Since it's tapered off to brownish-red spotting, I'm hoping the restriction will be lifted at my appointment next Friday. So today, I remain at 9w3d, with an EDD of September 19.

I also got the bloodwork back--all normal, except I'm Vitamin D deficient. So as soon as I get home from my work trip tomorrow night, I'll be kicking back and relaxing at home for the weekend...with my new friends, Vitamin D supplements.

As a prize for reading the saga, here's a pretty picture of our little baby from today! (Head to the right, arm sticking up, legs toward the left):

I hate waiting

So I am unofficially in the 2ww. I had my peak day on the monitor along with O pains and EWCM I am pretty sure I O'd on CD14. That makes me 2dpo today, only 12 more days until testing!

I started eating pineapple core yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised. The texture definitely isn't my favorite, think hard, stringy celery, but the flavor is still pineappley. Hopefully this works. Mr. Buttercup Bud thinks it is weird, oh well.

I have also been staying in bed on my back after we BD and not getting up until morning. Hopefully that helps as well. DH has been really into making sure we BD a lot this cycle. I think my impatience has worn off on him a little.

Since I wasn't temping I cannot be sure that I O'd but I would really like a break from BDing. That might sound bad but it does get tiring doing it every single day.

I have been reading a ton of books on birth, the history of birth, midwives etc and Mr. Buttercup Bud and I are really hoping to use a midwife when I get KU'd. Luckily, one of my best friends mom is a midwife who works at a really wonderful birth center. When we get KU she will give us a private tour! I am super excited about that. I have been to the birth center many times but never really got the tour.

Random funny Buttercup Boy story: Me and Buttercup Boy & Girl went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up my prenatal vitamins. Buttercup Boy asked why I needed vitamins. I told him it was incase I had a baby in my belly to make sure it is healthy. So the little guy walks up to the pharmacist and says, "We need vitamins for our baby!". Out of the mouths of babes. It was super cute. Hopefully he has some sort of intuition!

Hope all my fellow buds are doing well!

-Buttercup Bud

Mind Games

Sometimes its a challenge to stay optimistic about this pregnancy. Its gotten easier since passing the 5 week 1 day milestone last weekend, but its still challenging at times. Today has been one of those times.

I have had almost no symptoms at all today. I'm trying to convince myself its normal, I'm only 5 weeks 5 days afterall. I've heard that this early its pretty common for symptoms to come and go. Still doesn't stop my mind from going THERE. I think its pretty common for newly pregnant women to worry when the symptoms aren't there. Its taken to a whole new level though when you've had complete lack of symptoms be a pretty notable indicator of a previous loss. Its almost like a flashback that plays in my mind on days like today.

I had a good wave of queasiness come over me just before dinner, so I'm doing a lot better now. Thankfully.

Today aside, I've overall been doing better than before meeting our milestone. I've actually caught myself looking forward to things months down the road. Things like figuring out how we're going to tell our families (just my BFF knows so far). Every day that passes, I'm getting a little more optimistic. I'm trying my best to enjoy every day that I'm pregnant. I know how lucky I am that this little bugger seems to be sticking, and I'm thankful for that each and every day.

Still no word from our insurance. I called the doctors office to check if they'd heard anything on Weds and they hadn't heard yet. I'd just like to hear the verdict so I can move forward one way or another. I'd really like to get the first ultrasound scheduled. In theory the heartbeat is supposed to be starting in the little embreyo anytime now. I'd just like some confirmation that it is, in fact, beating. I'm worried that if I don't get something scheduled soon, particularly at the military hospital if I have to go there (its HUGE), that I might have trouble getting in.

Symptom Update:
Aside from todays non-symptoms, I've pretty much had bloat. The Girls have gotten a little more under control...which is odd...didn't really think they'd go back down. I've had bits of what I guess is supposed to be morning sickness. Thing is that I seem to get it in the evenings or middle of the night. I've been noticing the growth pains a little more frequently this week. I'm thinking its because I'm now beyond where my uterus has every grown before for gestation. Oh and a random observation from early this week is that I think I felt my corpus luteum doing its job. It was this dull ache right about where my left ovary would be.

My sleeping has been a DISASTER lately. Tossing and turning All.Night.Long. Overnight is when I seem to have most of the growing pains (do those have a name?), which keeps me awake. Its when the 'morning sickness' is at its worst (still nothing more than mild nausea). Its also when my mind races about things I'm worried about (finances, my job situation, the insurance stuff, us being 3000 miles away from our support system). Then when I do fall asleep I have screwy dreams. The one that woke me up from a dead sleep the other night was a dream that my husband abandoned me and the baby. I know he would never do that, I think its just my mind going into overdrive worrying about EVERYTHING.

My Butt Is Bruised and Other Ramblings

I only have to do the Progesterone shots every other day but man is my butt sore!! The first two weren't bad going in but yesterday's was painful going in and I had a big knot for a few hours!! I was checking out my buns this mnorning in the mirror and I have several bruises sprouting up, hopefully this will end in a pregnancy so that I can feel like this was all worth it!!

Being on bed rest is soo boring!! The days drag and I am waking up about 5:30 each morning and not going to bed till 11:00 pm. Sleeping on my back is for the birds but so is laying around the apartment. My mom and I did go and get a snow cone today which was delicious. It had lots of sugary goodness that made my day!! The good thing about staying in Panama till Monday is that I will only have to wait 5 days for the blood test. Being here still doesn't feel like I am done with the IVF yet but just waiting for another appointment.

So far on this trip we have run into 4 people that are from Utah as well and we have had a wonderful time chatting in English with them. It is really nice being able to talk to someone in your own language when you are in a foreign country!! They of course ask why we are here and most of the time when people ask I will tell them why I am here but other times I just say for vacation. I am not sure why I just don't tell everyone but sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything or I figure they won't be all that interested. I guess I am still a bit self-conscious about people's opinions on what we are doing and don't want their pity either. I am fairly private with my problems and don't deal with with people's sympathies but I have been trying to work on that since I think it helps me deal with the process and my emotions. Mr. Explorer Bud likes to joke that he shows emotion like a girl and I like a guy! It is true but since being married to him I have slowly been opening up and learning how to handle the expression of emotion. Don't get me wrong I still will rarely cry in front of someone or express my emotions with people unless pried to do so but I am way better!! The one thing that makes me want to share my experience is that I have heard lots of positive stories from people of someone they know who was successful and it makes me feel positive about our cycle or when I am able to help someone else out with more information about the IVF process or where to get information. It is always amazing how many people who are in the same or similar situations as we are and it makes me feel less broken and frustrated. At least I am not the only one in this lovely boat!!


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