Two lines.

I never, in my life, thought I would see two lines on a pregnancy test.  I thought it wasn't in the cards for me.  We never took a HPT when we did our fresh IVF cycle last fall.  I knew there was a risk of getting a false positive, so we waited for my beta.

This time, though.  I couldn't wait.  I took my first HPT on Friday, April 27th as soon as I woke up.  I didn't even tell Mr. Bossy I was going to do it.  Like I said-  I'm a chicken.  This is what I saw.

I couldn't believe my eyes.  I began shaking and before I knew it, I was sobbing. I scared Mr. Bossy half to death when I stood next to the shower holding out my positive pregnancy test.  He thought something was wrong.  Boy, was he ever wrong.

We spent the weekend doing fun activities; all the while knowing that my beta was on Monday. We kept our secret under wraps.  We didn't want to spill the beans before family knew, and we had also decided that we would not share our good news with as many people this time.  Just to be on the safe side.

I bought picture frames and typed up this little poem to put inside:

Next January-
In this place
You can a picture
of your
grandchild's face!

We presented my mother with hers on Saturday night (my dad was already in bed due to working early the next morning).  She knew my beta was on Monday, but I wanted to surprise her in a fun way.  She didn't even have the wrapping paper completely off before a smile spread across her face.  She was totally shocked!  I put the frame next to my dad's sink so that he would see it first thing in the morning when he woke to shower and brush his teeth.

We gave Mr. Bossy's mom her frame on Sunday when she stopped by to visit.  Her reaction was-  What does this mean?  I politely told her to infer (she can act really stupid at times), and she was able to figure it out.

I decided to take my second HPT this morning before I left for my RE's office.  Even after Friday's positive result, I was still scared to death.  I kept telling myself over the weekend that maybe that stick was telling a lie!

This is what I saw:

The vertical positive line had gotten darker!!! 

My nurse notified me earlier today that my beta is 319.  I return on Wednesday for my second one.  We're being cautiously optimistic.  We sure hope this little one sticks around for the next 9 months!

Please pray for a good, strong number on Wednesday. :)

Bossy Bud

The itch.

Today is 7dp5dt, and I'm itching to take a HPT.  I know, I know.  It's still too early.  I've done ALL of the reading online.  Most sites say 9dpt is long enough to detect HCG, but I frequent the infertility board on thebump and a woman got a BFP on 6dp5dt.  I'm losing my mind.

I have two tests waiting for me underneath the bathroom sink.  They are literally calling my name.  We didn't do a HPT with our fresh cycle last fall because my trigger (lupron) contained HCG and could give me a false positive.  Also, I was too chicken.  This time, though, it was a FET, so my RE said I could test before my beta.  I just don't know.  I keep preparing myself for a negative, but I'm still praying for a positive.

I've also been comparing this cycle to the last one.  I did have cramping during our fresh cycle.  In fact, I remember crying in our bed while Mr. Bossy held me.  I was convinced it hadn't worked and the cramps were AF.  I was obviously wrong.

I have had some mild cramping here and there, but nothing like last time.  I have to continuously reassure myself that it doesn't mean it didn't work.

Do I hold out until Monday for my beta, or do I take a HPT beforehand?

Hi-  My name is Bossy Bud and I'm scared sh*tless.

 

                Bossy Bud

BFP?!

As per FF, I am 11DPO. I went and bought some HPTs to use tomorrow. Couldn't resist, and had to go real bad, so used one at 9pm when I got home...

2nd line or my imagination?! PLEASE discuss!!!!!

Thank god I have 4 more tests (FRER and E.P.T.)!!!!!







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Getting Excited

Well the time is ticking away until I can do a HPT. I'm excited, but not to the point of being antsy that I was last time - I found myself calculating the upcoming milestones and really just getting ahead of myself. This time, I've promised myself to take it one day at a time. Oddly enough, I feel a strange sense of calm and confidence; I hope it's not for nothing. Next weekend will be 28days from my last cycle, so I'll be checking in the early part of next week.

Ladies, I hope this 10th anniversary of 9/11 finds you all well and I hope we have a good week!

Thankful I Was Wrong

Its been a roller coaster few days.

On Thursday I had some cramping. Figured for sure it was AF about to come. She usually shows up within 24 hours or so of cramps like that. I've been keeping an eye on the length of my luteal phase as its its right in the gray area of being too short and requiring treatment. Thursday was 9 DPO, meaning AF would be holding true to form by arriving at 10 DPO.

Friday morning I woke up to more cramps. Pretty notable ones at that. I also woke up to a temp that made my chart look like this:

Talk about a temperature drop before AF showed up! The whole day I was just waiting for her to make an appearance. Telling myself that it was alright, November is a fine month (My Birthday!), and that although this was the last chance for me to deliver a child full term before I turned 35...that it would be fine. It would work out. I was honestly more concerned about the luteal phase issue.

AF never did show.

This morning, my chart looked like this (below). I also woke up to a feeling of deja vu as there were little twinges in my uterus. These are really common in early pregnancy, and I remembered them from the pregnancy I lost at about 5 weeks back in November. Needless to say a test was taken.
Positive.

Apparently those cramps were implantation cramps and the drop in temperature an implantation dip.

I've never been so happy to be completely wrong about something in my life. Mr. CB and I are surprised as we thought for sure this month was out, but are thrilled. According to my LMP, the EDD should be October 15th. I didn't ovulate on CD14 though, and when I plugged in my ovulation date it said the EDD would be October 18th. Since the two are so close and I'm pretty sure my OB will go with the LMP one until a dating ultrasound, that's what I'm sticking to for now. It being 3 months to the day from the EDD I had for my loss (July 15th) is a little freaky, but honestly, as long as the baby comes home healthy and happy I don't care what the due date is.

I'm such a mixture of emotions right now that I don't even know how to begin to describe the thoughts in my head. I'm excited, scared, anxious & hopeful all at once. I kind of feel like I'm running the gauntlet. Just trying to get past one obstacle at a time. There are so many things that have to go perfectly to result in a take home baby in the end, I'm just praying that things are going right in there.

Signs

My 2WW is turning into an M. Night Shyamalamadingdong movie, I swear.

Yesterday was 2dp5dt. I think I might've felt faint cramps. I think my stomach might've been like .1% queasy after dinner. Coincidence? If I didn't have two embies in me, I probably wouldn't have noticed a thing.

But then I went to brush my teeth before bed and gagged when using my tongue scraper.

That never happens...

Oh wait, it used to happen all the time when I had my "for reals" pregnancy. I never had morning sickness, but my gag reflect was super sharp and I had to be careful when brushing my teeth.

I'd completely forgotten about that symptom until it happened last night.

Hmmm.

And then I woke up around 4am this morning and never did go back to sleep. In fact, I was wide awake. That hasn't happened since...

...since I was really pregnant.

And so this morning I POAS'd. And I swear I saw the faintest outline of a line. Maybe it was an evap. But I didn't see that shadow on my pee sticks from yesterday (yes, I peed on three sticks yesterday--so sue me!)

All these symptoms are strangely coincidental, no?

Swing away...

Golden Bud

Time to toss the cup!

After my loss in May, I bought a 50-pack of HPTs for $10 from Amazon. I used more than half while waiting for my HCG to go to 0 (which required another D&C, unfortunately), and I've been using the remainder for this cycle.

Tonight I'm officially out of pee sticks. And I'm pretty sure I'm officially pregnant! Here's my final pee-stick gallery, complete with tonight's test. Besides realizing I'm insane, I also discovered that I get far better results in the late afternoon than with FMU. The morning tests just stressed me out. Boo. 

I go in for my blood test tomorrow morning, which I'll repeat in 2 days to make sure my HCG is doubling. Assuming all goes well, I'll have my first ultrasound at 7 weeks.

I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself, just in case (a prior loss will do that, I'm afraid). I'll let you know my HCG numbers later this week.

Yippee!
Golden Bud

faint line limbo

I now have in my hands 4 hpts with lines so faint that I need my glasses to see the line. On the one hand, a line is a line. On the other hand, by this time in my last cycle (8d3dt or 11dpo) I had a faint but unmistakable positive. This time I need magnification and a bright light to see the line. Granted, I'm using a different brand of test than last time (similar cheapie internet strip), so perhaps these aren't as sensitive. I'm also worried that I may be seeing evap lines. But then again, I have another 5-6 hpts that don't have the line. I also used one to test Mr. GB's urine and his has no line.

Here you can see what I'm talking about. I had to tweak the contrast to make the line stand out. Sorry about the bizarre colors.

Here's another view with a series of tests. Mr. GB's test from this morning is on top. I have a few other clear negatives that I didn't include because their surfaces were kind of scratched and they were hard to read.

I have too much time on my hands!

So here I wait for the evening to test again, which is when I seem to get better results.

Ugh.

Praying for a line,
Golden Bud

Answers!

On Friday, after 8 days of negative tests, (on 15DPO), Mr. Magnolia Bud and I found out what was up! I tested (again) after work, and the first test was clearly positive. So were the second, third, fourth, and fifth...all different brands.

Baby Magnolia Bud is on the way!!! S/he will be here on/about June 2, 2011, and we are both over the moon with excitement and anticipation!

I learned my lesson about early testing--I think I used 13 internet cheapies in those 8 days, plus at least six early response tests. With Baby #2, I really need to learn what patience is!

I'm really looking forward to sharing the pregnancy part of this journey with you. Thanks to all of you for your support over the last month that I've been sharing our story with you.

Lots of love and baby dust,

Magnolia Bud and Baby Magnolia Bud

Excitement about TTC "supplies"

Let me preface this by saying that because we have been waiting for what seems like EVER to TTC after getting bitten by the baby bug, I am very serious about my efforts to TTC once it's time. Although I'm a very impatient person. So all of this may relate to that too.

I got the most exciting packages yesterday! One containing 25 HPT's and two books, and one that had my CBEFM and 60 test strips inside!

I'll start with the CBEFM. This was a purchase from an online "friend" who got pregnant before she started using it. Lucky for her, lucky for me! I'm super excited to start peeing on sticks next cycle! After reading the manual, it looks like you program it on CD1, and then it tells you when to start testing--the first cycle will start testing on CD6. Can't wait!

I've actually never taken a home pregnancy test in my life. I'm SO EXCITED to even own them, let alone be almost to the month where I get to use them. I ordered the cheap strips that you dip into a cup (seriously--they were cheap, under $6 for 25 at Amazon). Once I read the instructions, I had the urge to use one. I can't imagine how difficult each 2WW will be! After I finished obsessing, I hid them under the bathroom sink so I wouldn't think about them until next month.

I also received "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy." Now, some of you may think I'm jumping the gun a little. But I'm a) a big fan of preparedness, and b) a big fan of super saver shipping from Amazon (which I got, thanks to the books :) ).

I sat down with each and read the pre-conception chapters, along with the chapters about the first month and nutrition. Overall, I'm putting more stock into the Mayo book as I go along. I think they both contained great advice, but What to Expect was definitely geared toward the woman who has not been charting, and who may not have done her homework in figuring out how one's body works. What to Expect was the easier read of the two, and did have some good nutrition pointers and tips (although different guidelines than the Mayo book, and anything that recommends switching your nachos and cheese sauce for anything else with cheese sauce gets the side-eye from me to start).

The Mayo book (the parts I've read, at least) has been easy enough to read (more meaty than WTE), and I think it presents an educated, well-rounded overview of what to expect. It also includes a handy nutritional chart that I hope will be helpful once we do get that +HPT.

Lots of Love and baby dust...

Magnolia Bud

Filled with Emotions

I wanted to wait until AF was due to test again, but after the second BFP today, I feel that I can share with this blog..... I'M PREGNANT!!!

On Thursday (10 DPO) we tested with a Dollar Store test that didn't seem clear, so we waited until lunchtime and tested with a digital Clear Blue Easy HPT and there it was "Pregnant."

I am filled with emotions from being scared to happy to depressed to elated. I hope the meeting with our pastor will help me renew my faith today. He will be the only person that will know until, hopefully, Christmas. Today, I am 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant with a due date around Mr. Brainy Bud's 28th birthday in June. He is so happy about the baby. He will be a great father. He is already the best husband!

I still can't believe it happened on cycle #1.

Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

A note about Dollar Store HPTs

Image Source

We all know this test, the one from Dollar Store? Well, it seems to me that the instructions are a little off. (or maybe I'm the one that is off...) Anyways, the box says that once the 'C' line appears, it confirms that the test is done. No problem right? WRONG. You have to give it the 1-3 minutes total, even after that 'C' line appears, to see if one shows up in the 'T' area that confirms if you are pregnant or not. Yes, Brainy Bud FAIL!

Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

I think it has finally sunk in

It has been three days since I got my BFP and I think it is finally starting to become reality. I am thrilled and terrified at the same time. I was certain that this cycle was a bust when my temp dropped dramatically on Tuesday morning. I allowed myself to have a pity party all day and come to terms with the fact that Cycle #10 was right around the corner. Then on Wednesday morning my temp spiked back up and when I told Mr. Hopeful Bud this he said I should go POAS. I knew I had a couple digital tests but didn't want to waste them on a BFN so I dug through a drawer and found one regular HPT. Ran down stairs because we have only one bathroom right now due to home remodeling. The second line showed up almost immediately and I barely made it safely up the stairs because I was running and shaking so badly. When I found Mr. Hopeful Bud and said "We're pregnant!" His initial response was "Oh good!" Then we hugged and he told me how ecstatic he was and "I knew your boobs were getting bigger." And they have, I already need new bras. That is scary! I have since taken two digital tests to confirm and BFPs on both! I can't wait to meet Little Hopeful Bud. I have not stopped thanking God for this amazing blessing. We have told parents, grandparents and a few close friends and family. I know that a lot of people wait until they are out of the first trimester but neither I nor Mr. Hopeful Bud are good at keeping a secret, especially when we are so excited and want to shout it from the roof. We also decided to share the news because God forbid "if" something was to happen we would definitely need the support and love of our family to get through it.

I called my doc to make an appointment and she doesn't want me to come in until I'm 8 weeks, so October 26th is our Early Pregnancy appointment. It can't come soon enough. I can't wait to hear Little Hopeful Bud's heart beat. I can only imagine that it is going to be the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

So as of today, I am 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Little Hopeful Bud will be joining us around June 10, 2010. As of right now the only pregnancy symptom I have is swollen breasts. Morning sickness stay away . . . at least until we get our upstairs bathroom completed, which should be this weekend.

I pray that those of you that are still hoping and praying for a BFP that it comes soon.

So . . . now we wait

I am VERY pleased to announce that I got my BFP! With that . . . I shall tell you the story of how incredibly stupid I am.

Tuesday, I had plans to go to a Pampered Chef party at a friend's house. The person selling is PG and she knows we've been TTC. I decided I wanted a drink that night because I didn't want to answer any questions. I decided Tuesday morning - even though it was really early - I would take a test. That morning I woke up early, and, peed on my stick. I then decided to wait less than 2 minutes, see the negative I was expecting, then toss it out. In hindsight - not the best plan - but I was sleepy and clearly not thinking straight. Later, when I woke up again, I was again not thinking clearly when I decided to take it OUT OF THE GARBAGE and look at it. Of course, there was a line, but of course, I couldn't trust that considering!!

Now, after 4 tests, I have two distinct lines on my test!!!!

Now I remain cautiously optimistic. I'm having the early signs of morning sickness. I've literally been sick to my stomach for three days - constantly - though no throwing up. I'm hoping my early BFP and the early nauseated feelings are good signs that the hormones are plentiful (and doing their job). I've been having some cramping but I'm told that is normal. It makes me nervous - but - I'm keeping it all together.

Because I had a chemical pregnancy last time, it's hard to forget that and just be excited. I'm a little scared in the back of my brain even though this time feels differently. As a friend told me, every day I'm still pregnant is a good day, so I'm going to keep that in mind for the next 8 or so months!

I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled - because they were following up on my cyst - so I even get an ultrasound then. I will be about 6 weeks then, so, I'm hoping we get to see a heartbeat so I can relax a little.

That's about all I'm feeling today . . . or at least all I can get out right now.

--Book Bud--

Did they call it the Three Month Wait (or, 3mw)?

The Two Week Wait (or, 2ww) is something that we've all faced on this (sometimes) difficult journey of trying to conceive. This period I refer to is, of course, the time we have to wait after ovulating to find out if this cycle was successful. Some, myself included, will start using those wonderful home pregnancy tests as soon as 8 days after ovulation. OK, so, I personally don't ever know when I ovulate, because I don't track it, so all I know is I start using the HPTs well before I should. I waste a LOT of money peeing on sticks.

Because this is all we've ever known in our generation, it got me thinking how they did things way back when - you know - before HPTs even existed. My mom began having her kids (there are 6 of us) back in the 60s. I asked her how it worked back then. I was shocked to hear that these poor, poor women had to wait to miss three periods before they could go to the doctor and confirm pregnancy. THREE! Sometimes I think I'm going to die waiting 3 or 4 weeks to get an answer. I can't even begin to imagine the agony of waiting three months.

On the other hand, one could argue that waiting so long - and not using HPTs - is a blessing in disguise. For those of us who have had the unfortunate experience of a chemical pregnancy, you might know what I mean. I won't say knowing I had nearly succeeded (I mean the sperm FERTILIZED my egg!) is something I wish I hadn't known. It was just weird to think that had I been taking this journey 40 years ago instead of now - things would have happened quite differently. My period would have just been a little late and that would have been that.

So, ladies, I leave you with these thoughts. Sometimes technology is a blessing - we get to be really impatient and pee on sticks at home as often as we want (or can afford to!). But also, it can cause us some pain and heartache because we actually get to see what we're losing. In some cases, like mine, I got to watch it fade away . . . while knowing I couldn't do anything to bring it back. I guess each of our generations have downsides.

Good luck to all my girls in the 2ww right now. I hope it goes by quickly and painlessly for all - and with at least a few babies to show for it!

I'd like to get off the ride please...

This weekend was quite the roller coaster. On Friday, I thought I'd bring up the conversation... the possibility, of maybe waiting for one more year, when the baby would be due after Mr. Brainy Bud graduates and I'm not having to take a furlough day every month. He COMPLETELY shifted into low gear and gave me the most disappointed face I think I've ever seen! Worse than a puppy dog looking sad after doing something bad. It was like ripping a new hole in my heart! Of course, I have the greatest husband ever because he said he'd wait forever if that is what it took, but he is ready now.

So Saturday came and went with much contemplation in my own heart and then came SUNDAY. Good ol' Sunday church that always makes me want to run out of the choir loft, down stairs and crawl into a ball and cry like a baby. Again, God decided to let me know that this is HIS plan and not mine and I need to quit worrying about everything else.

So today, before my $1.00 coupon run out, we took a trip to the store and purchased these.

Image Source

It was kindof exhilarating knowing that we are T minus 20 days before TTC. Scary too! Until next time...

Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

Well I made it to Friday . . .

before I POAS. But now I wish I had waited even longer because of what I saw on the stick, a BFN. So sad! For over a week I have been having sensitive nipples and lower back pain. Symptoms that I never have, before or after O, or even before or during AF. So I got my hopes up. I got even more excited when my alarm went off at 5:30am to take my temperature and it had not gone down (13 DPO). I was so excited to see 98.4 degrees that I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to POAS. You know the outcome. So with tears in my eyes I climbed back in bed and curled up next to Mr. Hopeful Bud. He said "what's wrong?" I said "We're not pregnant." He just hugged me closer and said "We will get our baby soon, and I'll call and make an appointment for next week."

So what is next for The Hopeful Buds? Well, I reconfigured my ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor, so hopefully that will work for us this cycle, whenever it starts. Mr. Hopeful is going to call a urologist for a Sperm Analysis. As soon as AF arrives, I will call my doctor to get an HSG scheduled at the radiologist. I also think I may start looking for a new doctor. Fun times ahead for the Hopeful Buds.

On the bright side, this means that I get to partake in some alcoholic beverages at the lake over Labor Day weekend. :)

Upon entering the testing zone.....

Four days and counting until my FF designated test date: 13DPO.

For most women TTC, the 2ww is full of suspense and mystery symptoms until you’re close enough to your missed period to POAS.

For me it’s just the prelude to the next cycle… in this case, cycle #10.

Once we got our diagnosis, I thought the 2ww would have less significance for me… less symptom hunting, less “what if?” and yet this morning, there I was. Only 9DPO for goodness sake – and I was peeing in a cup, ready to dip that test strip…. I wasn’t thinking logically. I was thinking about weird cramps and transient nausea… nipple discharge, vivid dreams and sensitive smells… at 9DPO.

With almost zero chance of getting pregnant, and almost zero chance of seeing a positive even if I were, I was taking a home pregnancy test.

I was so disgusted with myself that I didn’t even wait to read the strip. I threw it out.

And 10 minutes later, when Mr. DandyBud asked about my early morning plans, I dug it out of the garbage to read it.

You see, the problem with getting an infertility diagnosis is that even though you know it’s not going to happen, you still sit there and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and

It just really really hurts my heart.

There won’t be any surprise BFP for me in 4 days. The pain of knowing that is almost unbearable.

And idiot that I am… I’m still hoping.