Cramps and a Bad Attitude

My temps have plumetted over the past 2 days. Not surprised tho. I knew my lack of symptoms were telling me the truth. I'm not sure why I was even disappointed on Saturday when I tested and got a BFN again. I should be used to the disappointment but it still put me in a crappy mood on Sunday. I spent the entire day cleaning just to try and keep my mind off of it. Lately, I find myself trying to do things to put my mind somewhere else. I'm so consumed with frustration and obsessed during the 2WW it's ALL I can think about. Work is boring so all I do is google this crap all day. (Not literally crap for all you sick minded like myself who are entertained by it) I've started trying to read more which has really seemed to help. Watching too much t.v. doesnt do the trick b/c after the show is over I realize I'm right back in my shitty situation again. I've gotten into baking/decorating cupckaes and of course have tried to stay busy with my other hobbies. Keeping my mind occupied has def started to help.

I have been talking to Mr.BB for those who are wondering. I'm still exceptionally frustrated with him though. I tried to talk to him last night but all he does is shut down when I try to talk about something serious. However, he did tell me that he thinks something is wrong with him and that he has has "pain" on one side of his you know what for the past couple of years. He seems to think they are "twisted." Why he hasn't gone to the doctor about this is beyond me. This could be our answer and he chooses to not care. Then he makes jokes that he has cancer and that he would rather not know if he is going to die from it. This man kills me. So, now I will have to begin a 6 month battle with him to try and talk him into going to the doctor.

I feel as if there is no point in TTC until this thing with his "boys" can be worked out. Maybe I will see what its like to not obsess for a month or two. I'm dealing with the most stubborn man in the Midwest so God only knows how long it will take him to go have this checked out. I'm going on vacation to Florida at the end of May so maybe I will try to enjoy those days by drowning in Bud Light while smoking a pack of Camels on the beach each day. Heck, I might even try Parasailing. Eff trying to protect my little ute for the next couple of months. I'm so sick and tired of being sad. I think if I were to get happy again I would be stuck so far in this depression that I wouldnt even be able to be happy again.

With that being said, you may not be hearing from me as much as you have lately. Of course I will post ANY updates as soon as they come. But I think I need a break. It's going to be difficult trying to not temp each morning. Hopefully I will be able to give myself a break......it's become an addiction.

So long for now.....

-Buckeye Bud

First off...

I'd like send a big, fat and joyous CONTRADULATIONS to Buttercup Bud for her little miracle! Yay! =oD

Secondly, I'm sorry that it's been a few days since I've written. I've checked the blog almost daily but have strangely enough lost track with how long ago my last post was.

There isn't much to report in my neck of the woods. I'm just waiting for Friday so that I can either do a HPT or welcome (NOT) AF. I did a HPT test this morning and, of course, was disappointed with a BFN. I tried not to be too down about since I did it early anyway. Secret? - My attempts to stay chipper didn't really work. =o/ *sigh* I'll let you all know Friday or Saturday when I check again.

I think if I don't/didn't conceive this month, I'm going to get an ovulation kit. Mr. CB didn't really want to do one since we haven't had an issue conceiving in the past, but I'm getting antsy. This month marks 1 year in our TTC journey...

A very belated updated

We found out that FET #1 was a BFN on July 11th. Even though I knew it in my heart, it still hurt more than anything. However after a day of crying and an hour of talking with my therapist, I felt much better. I am still going to continue with treatments even though I am not very confident for some reason. I am going for our WTF this Wednesday. I was going to go alone, because Mr. PlannerBud is starting a new job on Monday and doesn't want to ask for time off so early. However, my therapist convinced me to bring my mother along. I normally go in with a list of questions and ask none of them; this will help me get the answer I want. If our RE doesn't change the protocol at all, we are going to another clinic (about an hour away) for a second opinion. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I want to be prepared.

The reason for this long delayed update is that Mr. PlannerBud and I took off for a week long cruise on Saturday. I was really anxious about going since I knew it was summer and lots of kids would be on the ship. What I didn't know is that it was a Nickelodeon cruise. Every show at night was started by either Patrick and Spongebob or Dora and Diego. Luckily there was a lot of alcohol on the ship and we both partook in plenty of it. Unlike other ships I have been on, there were very few places to escape children. The adults only pool was right next to the family pool and the adults only rule wasn't strictly enforced. The night club was supposed to be 18+ at night, but they allowed children in with their parents. The only true child-free place was a stateroom, which I swear was a broom closet originally. To make matter worse, every couple we sat down next to asked if we left the kids at home. When we said we didn't have kids, they almost always responded with something about how difficult or how horrible kids are. GRRR. That makes one more "last vacation before children" vacation to add to the books. Let's see how many more of these we can list. :::insert eye roll:::

BFFN

That's right, IVF #1 was a BFN. Even though I was preparing for it, I am actually shocked. We had two very strong embryos, I stayed on bed rest for two days (RE recommends 1), I drank my POM, I ate my pineapple core, I didn't drink after first day of stims. I can't believe it.

As hard as it is, I think we are going to try again. DH wants to try another fresh cycle; I would as well. I have my WTF appointment with my RE next Monday. I am hoping to move it up. Last time we talked, the RE said we would do a frozen after the fresh. My problem with this is that while we have three embryos frozen one is very high quality and two are okay. If we couldn't get pregnant with two high quality embryos, what are our chances with only one? During this appointment, I am also going to talk to him about Mr. Plannerbud's low sperm count with all our procedures, especially the IVF. Maybe there is something that we missed.

While I am doubting that I can get pregnant, the back of my mind is telling me that it will happen. A quote a friend on one of my support board gave me the other day keeps ringing in my head. “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” -Anne Radmacher

Juggling Life's Craziness

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My life is a bit crazy right now. For starters I had my doctors visit and I am NOT pregnant..... ugh. On top of finding that out my husband and I also found out we are moving... not a side I will often share on here... but my husband is in the military. So with all of that and trying to get things together to move it's been a mad house in here.

I seriously meant to write last week, but the week got away from me and on top of that it was an emotional crasher for me... so much so my body went in shut down mode. I slept almost a whole day and then some. My body had had enough apparently.

And other news that is not fertility related is that I am going to be in a wedding come next year (my sisters --- I am the maid of honor)... so I really need to loose this weight. So I am hoping this will give me the extra push to keep up with the weight loss. I don't want to look fat in the dress I have to wear... but if I have a baby bump I'll be more than a 100% fine with that.

So I am getting back on track of getting my weight down and getting PCOS under control.... hopefully this will be enough distraction to help keep my mind off of wondering if I am pregnant or not.... I just need to go with the flow to reduce my stress level.

So between packing, moving, making wedding invites, jewelry pieces for wedding and other preps for the wedding... along with loosing weight... I should be more than distracted :)

On with the show... I will keep you posted on how my weight loss is going and hopefully I will get my next cycle... yeah I never got that yet either, but they said it might be due to stress. Nurse is probably right... cause now that things are starting to calm down I feel like I might get it.

Hope you all are doing fabulous. And I am sorry about being so late with posting... my life is doing a 360 on me something fierce. But I am strong :) and I can do this.

Monday Hurry Up and Get here!

Oh, my gosh I am so bad... but I got the results from the test and it was a BFN. I always say don't get your hopes up this time and whatever you do don't cry. But hope is something I have yet to loose and not sure if I'd want to.

However, I have to go back in on Monday to have it redone. One because they said they don't like to do blood tests till day 35 and it was before that and two the count sometimes doesn't go up as fast if you have PCOS. So that just puts the icing on the cake... ugh. Now I have to wait again and wonder if I am going to have to hear BFN again. This was a tad bit harder than I thought it would be.

I still haven't gotten my next cycle and I am just not trying to think about it cause it's getting to me... the wondering that is. Cause the whole thing is if I still ain't by then I may have to undergo other testing to find out why my eye color is changing and why I am getting random freckles and brown spots on me... very strange.

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I don't know what to do and honestly can't wait till this coming Monday so I can just find out what to do next. My fear now is that I ain't, which is okay in the end cause I'll just keep on trying. The scary part for me is what is going on and what tests will I have to do to find out... eek.

So here's to a few more days of waiting to find out where to go from here.

Losing Hope at 10 DPO

This morning I awoke to pure excitement thinking today would be THE day. Today would be the day my life would change forever. Today would be the day I would get that BFP I have deperately wishing for. I hopped out of bed at 5:00 AM knowing that it was finally an acceptable time to test. I had only been counting down the hours since the morning before. I had woken up at 2 AM but I decided to get a few more hours of sleep and let my HCG hormones build up. I had also fought back the urge to test at 8 PM the night before during a moment of weakness. I quietly slipped in the bathroom, being sure not to wake a sleeping Mr. PB&J and grabbed a HPT. I took a deep breath as I tore open the packaging with a mix of emotions playing through my head. I waited in pure agony as the result window was washed over with urine.

::Nothing. Nothing. Test line. Hmm. Where's the result line? Why is it not showing up? Don't lose hope. Maybe it just hasn't been enough time. You are only 10 DPO, your HCG levels are still week, if at all present::

While I am looming over the bathroom counter starring at test results I have seen all too often, and hoping that when the three minute window has lapsed I will see two glorious lines, I get a glimpse of my bathroom trash. At first I laugh. Holy fuck, I am only 10 DPO. Haha. I'm pathetic.

But then another emotion creeps in. Saddness. Sadness for the $30 of test I have wasted in the last three days. I feel like a junkie. And I feel sadness for the hope I have lost with each negative test. Not just the hope I'd lost over the last three days but the hope I'd lost over the last year. Every month my bathroom trash can shows a similar picture. And a years worth of sadness boils over and I start to tear up.

Today I am having a hard time accepting the failures over the last year. This one year mark is a tough pill to swollow. While I know it would be foolish to say this cycle is a bust I just can't believe I am here. 1 full year of TTC and nothing to show for it. Depression is not something I am accustomed to. But each month, around 10 DPO, my hope turns to despair. I'm an optimist and TTC is beginning to change that.

I just want to get these next few days over with so I can move on. Move on to another cycle (or pregnancy.......not likely) and a new attitude. Like I said I am an optimist at heart and somehow, someway my hope is renewed with each cycle day 1. If I lose hope, then what? But maybe that iswhy I crash so hard come 10 DPO? But I can't lose hope....

**Side Note - I do typically use internet cheapies to support my POAS habit. Just this cycle I ran out and my only option was to buy a box (or two) of HPTs from Wal-Mart. Well, ok, that really that wasn't my only option. My other option would have been NOT to test. But that's not gonna happen. I just don't want any of you to think financially irresponsible as well lacking in self control. I do have limits :P**

PB&J Bud :)

It's Officially Negative!!

Today was the final day for my HCG levels to be detected on a HPT and it came back with a BFN!! I was surprisingly calm about it this morning and today but I just layed in bed all day moping. My parents did swing by to say sorry and give me a hug and then we went to breakfast at IHOP with them and my niece which was surprisingly nice!!

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck and spent most of the day crying, being crabby or just in general having a big pity party while attempting to clean our disaster of a house. I even baked some mini cakes that look like trains and presents that I am going to fill with cream and then eat them, YUM!! Mr. Explorer Bud stayed in the garage pulling an engine where he was safe, for the most part, from my craziness!!

I am glad that we know for sure and there is not a cliff hanger for a week. I am glad I don't have to take shots anymore or all the pills, not that I would've minded if I were pregnant but it is nice to be done. I took the patches off and didn't take anything today so it feels final. I will probably still have spouts of sadness and anger but I am mostly just feeling resigned that we will not be having kids in the next year or two. I think we will just wait to do another IVF cycle after Mr. Explorer Bud is out of school. Maybe that is what we are supposed to be waiting for in the first place so why keep trying. Of course there won't be any prevention going on in the bedroom but like the Dr. said it is less than a 1% chance of occurring naturally and that was before I lost my left fallopian tube!!

Hopefully AF will arrive sooner than later so we can move on with it all!!

Test Day Blues with a Twist

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So I had the first blood test on Saturday but since the Dr.'s office wasn't open that day I had to wait for the results on Monday. I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning finally at 5:30 am after laying awake since about 2:00 am with anxiety about the whole thing. I was having dreams that it was positive and then dreams it was negative, it was all very stressful even in my sleep!! So I peed on the stick and got this ugly result



As you would assume I wasn't too positive about the blood work after that. Although you always read and my Dr. tells me that they are not as sensitive as a blood test and don't stop taking your meds just because you got a negative on a pee stick. So I did the Saturday morning test early so that I would do the Monday morning test before I knew the results of Saturday's. I just wanted to be extra sure in case Saturday's wasn't good. All Saturday I was intermittently crying and trying to be positive about this cycle because that is what you are supposed to be positive. Everyone makes you think that if you are a negative about it that it will ruin everything so I holed up on the couch and watch Chocolate and It Could Happen To You and ate a lot of candy. You know eating your emotions is very helpful, always!! Mr. Explorer Bud then drug me out of the house to eat dinner and I got some delicious raspberry lemonade to feed my fake happiness.

Sunday I was feeling positive and ready for Monday, so I thought. Sunday night I slept for a few hours and then laid awake agonizing over what the results were going to be and I had to have a shot on my left side as well and was going to be mad if it came back negative and I had to take the shot. Finally I got out of bed and read a book downstairs on the couch and tried not to agonize over what might be in a few hours. Mr. EB woke up and gave me my shot, the best he has done yet, and we packed the dog into the car and off I went to the hospital to have my blood drawn for the second time. Funny thing the girl checking me in said she wanted to be pregnant and that it just sounded like fun. I told her well I hope it is an easy process and good luck with that. Then she was asking about me and I told her we had to do IVF and she wanted to know what that was so I explained it to her. It is strange that people don't know what IVF is but I guess if you aren't immersed in it all the time you wouldn't really know.

At 9:00 am I put in the call to the Dr.'s office which they then take down my info and tell me the nurse will call me back. Yes so more waiting!! She calls back and says that it was negative and she is sorry. Me too, believe me, me too!! I tell her I took the second one this morning and if they would call me or if I needed to call them for the results. She said she didn't think they would be any different but I would need to call them back in a few hours if I wanted to get the results. Luckily I was at work, which luckily happens to be at my parents house, and flopped on their bed and cried for a while. Then sent out the mass text message to everyone who was waiting anxiously for the results as well, so at least I wouldn't have any calls wanting to know. Then I went in and cried on my dad's shoulder and then my mom's. It was a good ole' cry fest but you know you do feel better after a good cry. Then Mr. Explorer Bud got out of class and I went and picked him up and had a little cry fest with him.

So here is the mean weird twist of this whole sad story. Mr. Explorer Bud wanted me to call the Dr.'s office and get the results of the second test so I obliged. The nurse call's me back and says well the test shows that my level went from a 1 to a 4 in 48 hours which are really low numbers but hey I should do a HPT in a week and see what it shows. So of course I can't stop taking my shots, a gazillion pills and patches now because what if it works. Now this whole saga is just going to be drug on for another week. I can't get excited because I don't really believe that it will become anything but I am a little happier in that there might just be a miracle in the works here. So Mr. Explorer Bud is out buying 4 or 5 tests so we can do some testing this week and see what happens. There you have it the so very long story of our test results which are now To Be Continued.....

This is the point where I start to lose it.

10 DPO. I think this is officially the worst day of TTC. I am on the cusp of being A) pregnant B) not pregnant and/or C) crazy. Right now I am officially C. I will be finding out in the next few days if I am either A or B. According to the test I took this morning I am still classified as B. The test was so white that even if I squinted real hard and cocked my head at a 45* angle I still couldn't envision that imaginary second line. You know, that second line you desperately pretend is there to lessen the blow of a BFN? Or am I the only one who does this?

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10 DPO is the most stressful day of TTC because I start second guessing everything. Every twinge, every gas bubble, every yawn. It's all up for interpretation. And I am at the point where I can't distinguish how I feel. Am I nauseated? I think so. But then again, maybe I just overate at dinner tonight? And I'm kinda tired. But aren't I always tired this time at night? IDK, I can't really remember if I usually am or not. And FFS, I am sick of feeling myself up multiple times a day to see if my boobs hurt. The only thing I can conclude is my right nipple is sore. Weird. Does that classify as sore boobs? Eff, I don't know. If I weren't in my 2WW, I wouldn't be blinded by potential phantom symptoms and I could figure these things out.

And just to be sure that my pregnancy hopes are kept alive, my chart took a rather large temp jump this morning. If I am not pregnant this cycle I am going to be super pissed! And I vow to stop charting after O is verified. Eff that. No more being lead on by pretty charts.

So please send me all your sanity vibes/dust/whatever you want to call it so I don't lose my mind over the next few days :)

PB&J Bud

Call me Debbie Downer Bud

I just noticed that my last post was wedged between a joyous birth and 3 optimistic & excited Buds.

Ugh. Really sorry to be the Debbie Downer of the bunch. Infertility is no fun and I'm sorry I'm never the bearer of good news.

Well for what it's worth, I went in for my beta test this morning, which seems pointless considering I already stopped all my meds (so sue me!) but I suppose we need to make the BFN official. The good news is that I had a chat with their very sweet receptionist and she gave me a thick stack of all my records so that I can get a second opinion at a competing clinic. And when I got home, I made an appointment with their top doctor for January 5th, a week from today.

It's such a relief to get some fresh eyes and ideas involved with minimal wait. I will probably go to the appointment alone--Mr. GB gets all kinds of confused and stressed out at these things, and to make matters worse, the clinic is right next door to the MFM clinic where we had our terrible ultrasound. Being married to Mr. Sensitive definitely has its downsides. Better to fly solo on this one.

And in case you were wondering, I busted into that big envelope and looked through all the records. Did you know they keep notes on every call and every appointment? There were records of all my surgeries, all my ultrasounds, and all the embryo reports. I found nothing surprising or disturbing (fortunately I already knew the karyotyping results of our baby otherwise that would've been a surprise). I can't make any sense out of the embryology reports, which is the only thing I am remotely curious about. But anyway, I'm content to hand off those papers and never look at them again. Good riddance.

I also made an appointment today to get my overdue physical. I love my primary care physician--she's young and hip and not at all the lecturing type. I'm kind of excited to see her because I have a laundry list of items to ask her about: I need a tetanus shot, and I'm going to ask her about going back on Lipitor for awhile--I've been off of it for 3 years while TTC and I'm sure my cholesterol is sky high. I'm also going to get some more acne medication and maybe some fancy folic acid/B12 vitamins. It'll be nice to talk to a doctor about health issues that aren't aren't about pregnancy (or lack thereof). And it'll be nice to go to a doctor and have the appointment paid for. I forget what that's like.

So it's not all gloom and doom here. I'm actually feeling pretty good, all things considered. I see us approaching the end of TTC road in 2011, and we are going to have to pick a new path. I think Mr. GB is a little bit in denial and has put off a conversation about next steps, but ultimately he wants a baby, too. Puppies and rainbows and miracles don't seem to be working. Maybe adoption is our only choice. Maybe surrogacy. Maybe a new clinic & some vaginal Viagra will help my lining. Who knows.

Golden Bud

I'm calling BFN

Still getting stark white sticks. And every morning before my PIO shot I can feel AF knocking on my door. Contrary to what the inexperienced IVFers all say (aka the "puppies and rainbows" assurances), it's pretty much impossible for me to get a positive beta at this point. I'd have some hope if I had even half a pregnancy symptom, but I don't. I'm super tempted to just stop all my meds and enjoy the holidays. I'm super tempted to enjoy the holidays anyway (and by "enjoy," I mean "drink heavily").

I've also had some time to reflect on my bitter infertile's New Year's resolutions:

• Switch RE's at my clinic
• Get a second opinion at another clinic
• Find out WTF is wrong with my lining
• Take a few cycles off
• Possibly kill more embies by putting them in my uterus
• Turn 40
• Suggest to Mr. GB that he start looking into adoption (I did all the IF work; it's his turn now)

The truth is we are running out of money. We won't be bankruptcy broke, but we won't have any savings left if we do another fresh cycle. And I refuse to put any more embies back until my lining gets above 8. These two things could severely limit our options to the point where adoption could be our only solution. It's not what I want, but what can you do? If your eggs are fvcked and your uterus is fvcked then there isn't much point in trying to have a baby.

Never in a million years did I think I'd be childless at 40. Most days I can deal with it, but I do have bouts of sadness. I was reminded once again of our childless status yesterday when I found out that our friends (who don't have kids--she's in law school) hosted their annual "cookie party" for all of their friends who have kids. So what that means is that 3 sets of our good friends got invited, but we did not. My best friend was among the invitees and we had lunch yesterday and she told me all about it. I told her it was too bad that my baby didn't have a skull, otherwise we wouldn't be childless and thus we'd qualify for attendance. This of course is my bitterness talking, and I'm sure my friend would have invited me if I'd asked. But then I'd be at a party with a bunch of OPKs (other peoples' kids) and that's no fun, either.

All this whining aside, I still love my life. I have a million things to be happy for and just one that makes me sad. That's pretty good in my book.

If you don't hear from me until after the holidays, you can safely assume that I've gotten my BFN and am too tipsy on champagne to post an update.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Golden Bud

I am officially insane

4dp5dt=BFN

I haven't seen sticks this white in a long time. I've been lucky getting BFPs right away for my last two cycles (even if they are the kind you pull from the trash). And even after my losses, I still had plenty of BFPs waiting for my hcg to go down. It seemed I could never get a white stick when I wanted one. And now it's all I've got.

Yes, it's early. Very early. But for my last cycle, my chemical, I got a faint BFP on the evening of 9dpo.

My promising symptoms are now gone, other than the sore boobs that I had before the transfer (thanks PIO).

I'm not hopeful. Not crushed, just resigned.

Golden Bud

Starting Over

I think it is safe to welcome AF back for another visit... as she has just arrived (not totally, but I am spotting pretty heavily, so I can pretty much bet that she is here to stay). I kind of had a feeling, because my temp dropped slightly this morning... not below the line, but it did somewhat drop from where it had been hanging out...

I was staying positive after my BFN on Friday, when I POAS on 13dpo (I wanted to post about that today, but AF beat me too it)... I knew it was to early to test, but I just had to! Even Fertility Friend told me to wait until 18dpo, which would've been this Wednesday (I was 16dpo today), but now I have a couple of sticks, waiting to get peed on, that will just have to wait! The good thing is I got an OPK with my sticks, so I will give it a whirl this month, and see how it goes...

We will probably be welcoming a new cycle soon, TTC Cycle#2, for Mr. DBud and I. I am feeling ok about it. I felt really good about the progress we made this month, and thought that maybe, just maybe, it would've been the month... but I am sure you may recall my post where I mentioned not getting my hopes up about TTC Cycle#1 (actually, there might be multiple, because I have mentioned this a few times). We will just try again, and try to stay positive, even if it takes longer than we would like... the least we can do is try, and keep our chins us. Nothing wrong with practicing the BD in the meantime ;)

I wanted to take a moment to tell my fellow Buds, dealing with their own Fertility Issues that I am thinking of you, and praying for you. We are all in this together... we are all in different places in our TTC Journey, but we are all here for the same reason, and we all understand each other. I am sending positive vibes and baby dust to all of you! Sooner or later, it will be y(our) turn :)

You Want Me To Put What, Where?

I just finished my progesterone supplements. And as much as I am an oversharer, I'm quite shy about my, ummm, Chucky.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I did not take these by mouth. When the pharmacist described them as suppositories, I did a side-eyed double take. Ya, these were not to be taken by mouth, but put closer to where the baby would be (God bless the woman's heart who explained this to me).

You guys? I dont even use tampons unless absolutely necessary. I don't like My Chucky to be invaded.

Despite my apprehension, after the first night, I was fine with them...except for what transpired the next morning.

I'm going to do everyone a favor and not describe what happened the next morning - I'm sure you can use your imagination.

So, at 15 DPO I am not pregnant, and I stopped taking my progesterone. Ya, it is kind of a bummer not to be knocked up, but it is sweet relief to be rid of theose demon pill for just a little while - if only for the phatom symptoms they caused me (fatigue, sore BBs and mild cramping).

This cycle, because my progesterone was only at a 7, my doctor will be upping my Clomid dose to 150 mgs. I'm scared for Mr. SB.

I hate to say it, but I have a REALLY good feeling about this cycle. Even though My Chucky still isnt too keen on the progesterone supplements, I'm hoping that it will help us have our long awaited for take home babe.

Rollercoaster of a Weekend

Between Sunday and today, my emotions have been on a wicked rollercoaster ride. Of course, all related to TTC.

Let me preface this with: I've been on a work trip since Sunday. I'm going home in just a little while, which I'm happy about. I don't sleep very well when I'm away from home and Mr. Magnolia Bud, and though my hotel is nice, I'm stressed out about work while I'm away. Now, for the story...

I'm currently 12DPO, on CD27. My longest LP to date (previous longest was 9, yes 9!). As you know, I started testing at 8DPO, with negatives on 8 and 9DPO. At 10DPO, I got a faint line on an internet cheapie, and was thrilled! But I tested again at 11DPO with a FRER, and there was no second line (although still a faint line on another internet cheapie). Tested again this morning, no second line on an Equate test and an EPT test, and I'm out of internet cheapies until I get home later today. My temps are still ridiculously high and possibly triphasic (highest they've ever been in my five cycles charting, and increased again this morning), I'm still having crampy twinges on my left side, I'm bloated more than ever before (seriously, I wore an empire-waisted dress yesterday because I didn't fit into the suit pants I brought on my trip). I also have a backache intermittently, and have been insanely tired. Add creamy CM to the mix (normally a mix of sticky & creamy after O), and I may have the world's most ridiculous phantom symptoms if I'm not pg this cycle.

So...I'm trying to be patient. I went to the beach this morning for a few hours to read and walk on the beach. That helped with the patience a lot, actually.

Here's a story that might give you a laugh: This morning, on my way to the beach, I was out of pg tests. So, what did I do? What any *questionably sane* traveler would do. I PIAC from my hotel room, put a lid on the cup, drove to the Walmart that was on the way to the beach, and bought three boxes of pregnancy tests...and then tested with two brands in the parking lot. Never EVER thought I'd do that!

On that note, I need to get packed up and head for home...the land of plentiful cheap tests. Talk to you all soon!

Good numbers!

The nurse finally called me back this afternoon with my 7dpo results.

Estradiol - 114
Progesterone - 16

She said both of those are great numbers! I wish there was some indication of pregnancy in there though!

*crosses fingers*

One more week to wait...

And yes, I POAS this morning. BFN. :)

No Regrets

IVF #1 is officially a BFN. I already had my freak out, hyperventilating, can't speak, heartbreaking moment last week when I started spotting heavily at 5dp3dt. It was so familiar and so much like every other negative cycle that I really felt we weren't successful. I did switch my progesterone support from injections to endometrin and that stopped the spotting, but I had a negative HPT on Saturday and AF arrived today.

At this point I'm surprisingly calm and collected. I've had some sad moments this weekend as Mr. CB and I discussed our next steps. I would like to get right back in the game and cycle as soon as possible, but our finances don't support that move. We made a decision yesterday to work towards paying off all of our credit card debt by the end of the year, and plan to cycle again in January. In the meantime, I'm going to get a second opinion from another RE and talk to them about some other tests such as a hysteroscopy or laparoscopy to see if we can't get a better idea why we're not getting pregnant. When we do cycle again we will go with a clinic that offers the Attain IVF Refund Program. Even though it's more money initially, after having one failed IVF completely OOP we need to know that we will have the option for multiple cycles if we need them.

We have no regrets about our decision to go to Costa Rica and Panama for IVF #1. It would have been sweeter if we had brought back a little souvenir, but for us it was a good decision. I am planning on posting a full overview soon that details the entire experience and what went well and the difficulties we experienced. I will say that if you have a chance to visit Costa Rica, GO! It was the most amazing place I've ever visited.

This little guy says come visit him in Costa Rica!

Mr. CB and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your thoughts and prayers throughout our travels and procedures. It means the world to us! We may have lost this battle, but we are still fighting and I know that we will have a baby Chef Bud one day soon.

I got a feeling!

This is the phrase that Mr. PB has been standing behind for about a week. From the time we stopped having plenty of BDing, I have been told that this is the cycle and that he hasn't felt this way before about any of my other cycles. He has been on me to test since I think CD 4 or 5. We are heading to a friend's wedding today and will be on home Saturday. For this reason, he woke me up this morning during my first real week of vacation (hence the post at 6:45) so that I could test. No amount of explaining that testing at 8 dpo rarely gives positives and the chances are high I would get a negative even if things did work out for this cycle. Like the good wifey I am, I woke up and tested before he went to work and ........ it was negative. I was okay until I told him and had this incredibly crushed look on his face and just asked when my next cycle begins. I tried to explain to him again that I could still be pregnant, but it could be too early and I would test again on Sunday. This didn't seem to help. Now he is off to work and I sitting at home depressed, which is exactly the reason why I stopped testing early. At least I have a busy weekend to keep me busy. Tonight is my friends' rehearsal for their wedding, and then I will spend Friday with the bride and Mr. PB will be with the groom and Friday night is the wedding, and Saturday we are a little post wedding breakfast if we can get up. At least I won't feel horrible about having a few drinks. I don't mean to go over board, but I enjoy a few glasses of wine.

On a much different note, can I tell you how much I absolutely love the CBE digital opks? They are like this little magical stick that you pee on. I was so excited to see my smiley face (though it did happen on a day Mr. PB had to work about 16 hours, so no BDing occurred even though the doctor order it). It took all the guess work out of wondering whether I was having LH surge or not. They are wonderful and would probably continue to use them even if they cost $75 a box! Why didn't I find them sooner?

If you remember a few posts back, I said that my doctor had order cd3 and cd20 bw. Well the cd 3 came back "normal for a woman your age" whatever that means and I went for the cd20 bw on Monday and will call the results today. I will keep you updated.

Hopefully Mr. PB's "feelings" are as correct as they usually are and I will have something good to update you ladies on next week. :)

What a week.

As you may recall, I am not charting this cycle.

I tested on Tuesday, assuming I could be anywhere from 9-11DPO. Early, yes, but I figured.. why not?! Wouldn't you know it- I saw a hint of a second line. Kind of like a now you see it, now you don't type of line. I showed Mr. Sassy Bud, and he said he saw it too. I was in total disbelief. Of course I brought 2 HPT's with me to work, held my pee for a few hours, and tested again. Nothing. Later that afternoon- still nothing. I hoped that I just needed FMU so I decided to wait until the next morning.

Wednesday morning's test- no trace of a second line. Of course! I can't be the person to stop charting, test early, and actually get a surprise BFP.
I've concluded that what I saw was an evaporation line. They are not common on pink dye tests (I used an internet cheapie) but they do happen. Lucky me, I got to experience one.

The week was not all bad, though. Wednesday I went for the first step of the interview process for my dream job. It was basically a rundown of the position, along with some intense written testing. I found out that if I do get the job, I am required to relocate outside of my state due to the nature of the position. After a mild panic attack about leaving my home and friends, I am actually excited. How often do you get the chance to basically take a map of the US and pick the place that you want to live?! I am really hoping I can make it through the rest of the process. It will be difficult but I want it badly and I am going to do my best to get there. I should get the test results in 7-10 days.
I also got my final grade of the term on Wednesday. I got an A!! Not only that, but it was in the most difficult, time-consuming, challenging, and overall HORRIBLE class that I have taken so far. It also happens to be my first A of my law school career. Typically, I strive for mediocrity (aka a passing grade). So, the BFN was definitely overshadowed by great things.

Today is CD 28. Of the cycles that I have O'd while charting, they have been 26, 27, and 27 days. So- not really sure what is happening to my body, except maybe another annovulatory cycle. I suppose I need to test again at some point, but I'm not sure I can handle another BFN after the disappointment of this week.

Next week is our big trip so I will update after we get back unless there is other news to share!

~Sassy Bud