Miscarriage #3 but Walking by FAITH

Walking by FAITH and not by SIGHT...



Mr. Blessed Bud and I have suffered our 3rd consecutive miscarriage since July 2009. I miscarried all of the products of conception on Sunday night and I was pregnant with a singleton. The bleeding totally stopped Monday afternoon which was a good thing. I am not sad at all I am actually at peace. I believe God has placed us on this journey to test our FAITH and at the end of this journey everything we have gone through will truly make me us appreciate the blessings we are given in life.


We are going to do FET #2 in August and my RE is doing the following:



1. Testing us for Balanced Translocations: In a balanced translocation, a person usually has all the genetic material necessary for normal growth -- a piece of a chromosome is merely broken off and attached to another one. However, when that person's cells divide to create egg or sperm cells for reproduction, the egg or sperm cells can end up with extra genetic material or missing genetic material, which could lead to miscarriage depending on which chromosome and genes are affected.

Mr. Blessed Bud and I talked about this a lot tonight and what we would do if we both carry Balanced Translocations and we do have options. There is IVF w/ PGD, Donor Egg and Donor Sperm. We are going to try and schedule this testing for this Saturday.


2. Switching me from Crinone to PIO, so he can monitor my P4 levels better.

Once again I appreciate all of the support the Bloomin' Babies Family has given it really means a lot ((HUGS)) to all of you.

Until Next Time,

Conflicted

I spent last night a total mess. Remember how I said I wasn't going to worry? So much for that.

I go back to the OB tomorrow, and I'm assuming we'll find out the status of the SCH, among other things. Which means either it will still be there, and my restrictions will continue, keeping me out of work, or it will have resolved and I will have to go back.

I don't know which one I want to happen. And either way, I feel like i'm being a bad mother.

If I don't go back, we're going to start having serious financial problems in 2 months (we went over the budget last night - we're fine with what we have right now until the middle of august). Knowing that we'll need $4000 for our deductible in december when the baby is born, that leaves us about 3 months of coverage in our savings account. DH has a lot of debt that he accrued before we met, that (if he stuck to the current plan) will have all been paid off by next year, from a different account that we have. We CAN dip into that, and slow down his progress, but that has been my priority for the time we've been married. It kills me to know that we might have to slow down paying that off. Obviously we'll do what he have to ... and if that means slowing down paying off that credit, then so be it - that just chafes me.

If it IS resolved and i DO go back... what am I going back to? The bleeding started after a miserable 13 hour shift. And they're going to be WATCHING me, waiting for something else to happen so they can put me out again - of this I have no doubt. I'm going to spend most of my shift worrying about the baby - am I being exposed to something I shouldn't be? Am I doing too much? Am I getting enough to drink? Can I find 10 minutes to sit down? And if I do find 10 minutes to sit down, am I going to have something said to me like "maybe you SHOULDN'T have come back".

So, the bottom line is, which is worse? The stress of worrying about the baby at my job, or the stress of money.

My husband says he'd feel better if i didn't have to go back right now, because he thinks I'd be more stressed out if I were working. At least money we can figure out. Maybe not live how we've become accustomed to, but making necessary cut backs and we'd figure it out.

Either way - i feel like i'm being a bad mother. I should want to provide all i can for my child financially, so I should be happy if I can go back to work. But I should also provide a safe environment for my baby, and I don't think I have that at work.

I don't know what I'm accomplishing by writing this. I do feel a little better after reviewing the budget last night - at least i know where all of our payments are coming from now, and I don't have to worry about the mortgage (which is my main concern). And honestly, none of this matters until we see what my OB says tomorrow..

I just wish I knew what I wanted her to say.

After a lot of thinking, I really think I'm better off NOT going back. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty saying that.

And the beat goes on...

I am slowly trudging my way through the beginning of cycle 6, and as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I wasn't really expecting this. Let me take you back to last Wednesday and Thursday. I was 11dpo on Wednesday and had no cramping, but I did have sore boobs, which in the last two months have popped up as a pms sign. I also had two new symptoms: a backache in my lower back and itchy boobs (I know I don't get it either). I was sure these were signs of something good. However the lovely HPT quickly told me I was wrong with a BFN. Obviously my body is just coming up with new ways each month to torture me. Then comes Thursday, 12 DPO. I had yet to make it through 12 DPO without spotting and sometimes spotting heavily. I kept waiting for it to show, but it never did. I had to chaperone a trip to PawSox to watch our school band play, and I was very excited that by 10:30 when we were getting ready to leave, nothing had shown up. I even made a comment to one of my closest friends who was with me. That had to be my mistake. I was so confident that this was the cycle, even though I kept trying to tell myself that it couldn't be. I woke up Friday morning, expecting a good day. I had a personal day from work and was going to a 5th year college reunion pub crawl with some of my closest friends. My mood quickly plummeted when I looked at my BBT; my temp had dropped an entire degree. Not one to give up hope, I tested. BFN! Not even 1 hour later AF showed up. I called DH to let him know and he spent most of his break talking to me. I was just feeling broke and I still do feel as though something is wrong.

Anyways, I went to the pub crawl with my friends, and we drank like champs. At least I didn't have to try cover the reason why I couldn't drink on a pub crawl. At some point in time during the night I was talking to another friend who is quietly TTC. I found out that one their first month trying she had gotten pregnant, but had an early miscarriage. As much as my heart went out to her, I continued to feel bad for myself. I don't know why. I don't want a miscarriage. I want a safe and healthy baby, but I couldn't help but feel a little more down after hearing this news.

For the remainder of the weekend I tried to stay away from all things baby. MTV had a 16 and Pregnant marathon on and since trash tv is my addiction, I simply rewatched season 2 of True Blood (coming back June 13th!). I had totally forgotten about the baby shower scheduled at work on Monday for a co-worker. I was blind sided with this news when I came in at 7:30. Not only did I forget (suppressed maybe?), but I didn't have gift. Luckily a friend let me go in with her. Let me tell you try to smile and seem upbeat a work baby shower when only 1 person knows you are TTC and failing is torture. Luckily the mother-to-be was quick and I could excuse myself to get some more work finished. I know more showers are coming up since our school has a baby due in September and December; at least I will probably have the summer to prepare.

So where do I go from here? I decided this cycle to begin using CBEFM and I am hoping I get better results with this then with OPKS, since I never got a real strong positive. I went back to the gym last night with my SIL to try to loose the eight pounds I put on after my wedding. DH and I talked and decided if I am not pregnant by October we will talk to my doctor. Technically we have only been actively trying since January, but I have been off BCP since October '09 and we didn't really try to avoid all that hard. Being the goal oriented person I am, I have set a new goal to be pregnant by the time I start school again in the fall. Hopefully it won't just fly past me tauntingly like my current goal (to be pregnant by the time I get out of school). I hate that this is the one thing in my life I can't control. I guess that is just the way it is.

update

After our anniversary cycle I broke down... I think it was the first due date of our m/c that really got to me. March 8th. It fly by and we had no baby nor was I pregnant. So I decided I needed a break on anything pregnancy or baby related. Fyi, Ikea is a pregnancy magnet... I went therapy shopping with my mother in law and there were so many beautiful pregnant women... so jealous.
Then a close family member of ours (who have a 3 year old) are TTC and were one of the lucky ones that got a BFP on their first cycle. However she was upset with her husband about some argument so she went through with an abortion. Now, two months later they are TTC again. Nice.

This break was kind of good... no temping every morning, no more waiting at work in the bathroom stalls with an OPK hoping for the double line to look darker than the control line, substituting my caffeine with green tea and treating sex as if it was a chore. Right now I am in my 2ww and boooooyy were we some crazy sex making teenagers Memorial Day weekend! and that was my O time, so lets see what happens... I'm praying. Since I haven't been taking my temp I did use opks so that I would know where I was in my cycle.

Did you know...
that the perfect time for sex is the day just prior to the OPK FIRST turning positive.
&
And this may sound like a surprise, but making love only after first getting a positive OPK may not get you pregnant at all. Found Here

That's it for me... I think I'm going to test Friday... Keep you posted.

Today is my due date and no baby!

In my head I know all the statistics that say half of all pregnancies go over, but in my heart and my aching body, I'm ready for Baby Hopeful Bud to be here already. For weeks I've been anxious and nervous about her arrival, so I would say to myself that she can "bake" as long as she wants. But now I'm at complete peace and want her here now so that I can hold her and start our the new adventure as a family of three, Mr. Hopeful Bud, Baby HB and me!

Last night I timed contractions for over an hour and they were between 8-10 minutes apart. I drank my Raspberry Leaf tea, Mr. HB and I had some sexy time, I sat on the yoga ball and the contractions went away. I woke up a couple times during the night feeling contractions, but most of the time I just got up to use the bathroom because now that she has "dropped" I pee a lot more!

At my last appointment on Wednesday, Dr. O (my favorite doc of the practice) said that we could schedule an induction this week. He mentioned that he was on call this afternoon (Monday) so we could schedule it for today and he would deliver Baby HB. As tempting as that sounded, I didn't want to rush the decision to have an induction. I've been dilated to a 1cm for the last three weeks, only this last week had there been a change of 75% effacement, so obviously my body isn't ready. If my body isn't ready and we force an induction, I believe the rate of c-section increases and I really want to avoid a c-section if at all possible.

So if Baby HB doesn't come out to play on her own in the next couple of days, our next appointment is Wednesday afternoon and we will decide on a game plan.

Come on Baby HB, you have so many people that love you and can't wait to see you. Your adorable room is all ready. You have so many cute little clothes all washed and ready for you to wear. All we are missing is you. Your daddy and I are so excited to see you and love you.

If you don't hear from me for a bit, I hope it means that I'm crazy busy and tired with a newborn. Otherwise, I'll post something after our appointment on Wednesday about next steps.

Take care and stay hopeful!
:) Hopeful Bud

Hi, my name is Chef Bud and I am BACK!

Hello to all the Bloomin' Babies readers...I know it's been a while and I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long but I am back and boy has my story taken a different turn!

In my last post way back in March I told you all that our doctor had suggested we move to IVF, and I was looking into the split donor cycle that my RE offered. Shortly after that post, I heard back from the split donor coordinator, and she basically told me that because of my family medical history, I would only be accepted with reservations (and this would be after extensive tests and interviews) and that most likely I would never have a couple choose me to be their donor. It was so hard to hear this...I am a healthy young woman and my RE seemed so sure of this being the perfect fit for us. But I also understand that when a couple makes the hard decision to use donor eggs, they want everything to be as perfect as it can be with those eggs.

So once that option was out, Mr. CB and I were back to square one. The OOP cost at my clinic for IVF is $9300 (ICSI is an additional $1100) plus the medication which could be anywhere from $3000-4000. I was prepared to do anything to make this happen, but I also wanted to be financially responsible. We have worked so hard over the past few years to get out of debt and neither one of us wanted this to put us right back where we were.

While posting on my favorite message board I had seen a post that talked about going out of the country to do IVF. I thought it sounded interesting, so I started doing some research. I found a company called Passport Medical that assists people with medical tourism. I began emailing with Mark, the company's president, and discovered that IVF in Costa Rica/Panama costs $2800 (including super-ICSI) and the medications are half the price of what they cost here. Right away I got on the internet and started pricing out flights, accommodations, rental car and other costs that we would incur over a 19 trip to two countries. I was amazed to find that we could travel to two beautiful places, stay in nice hotels and apartments, see some amazing sights...oh yeah, AND do an IVF cycle...for under $10,000. I was immediately ready to sign up! Photo of Arenal Volcano

It did take some time for Mr. CB to warm up to the idea, and even longer for our families. Once I showed them the statistics for the clinic, and Dr. Perez's credentials and training (he even trained and worked at a top US hospital), everyone was on board. What made me even more comfortable with doing this was that Mark and his wife were going to do their cycle in Costa Rica/Panama in May. He was able to share his experiences and why they felt good about traveling thousands of miles for IVF.

I will say this option isn't for everyone. There are some drawbacks that I will talk about later...let's just say you have to be really laid-back and able to just trust in the system without a lot of questioning. I will say for me, so far so good...I am excited, nervous, hopeful, scared, optimistic. A lot of emotions all rolled into one.

I have so much to tell you about the process but I don't want to bombard you all at once! So over the next few weeks I'll explain how it all works and give details about what went in to planning the trip. Right now I'm on week three of devil pills, which I will take until June 26th. We fly out July 1st and will have our first appointment that afternoon.

In Costa Rica, they use the term "pura vida" as a greeting or farewell. When I looked it up, I found that they use the phrase to express perseverance, resilience in overcoming obstacles, enjoying life and celebrating good fortune. This is definitely our theme for the trip, and our new mantra!

Photo Credit

FET #1 = Success

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. ~Mark 11:24

FET#1 was on May 17 and went smoothly. Two of our 4 snow babies were thawed and transferred. At 10p5dt, which was the day before my beta I got a positive on a Clearblue Digital Pregnancy Test! I feel very blessed and I give all honor and glory to God!

My first beta 11dp5dt was 367. My second beta 15dp5dt was 1490. Our first ultrasound is June 11 with Dr. B and I can't wait to get a peak at Baby Blessed Bud! Thank you so very much for all of your thoughts, prayers and well wishes throughout this journey, they are greatly appreciated. Please continue to pray for us as the next phase of our journey has only just begun...

Survived surgery!

There hasn't been much to update until now. I was on birth control pills to prevent possible hemorrhage from my heavy periods.

Went in for surgery at 8am on Wednesday. The nurses and doctors at the surgery center are VERY nice! One girl was a student and they asked permission for her to watch the procedure and I had no problem letting her watch. Everyone has to learn! And the doctor told her it was going to be a very interesting procedure with all that I had going on. Possible removal of right tube, left ovary and left tube. Definite removal of cysts and fibroid.

The IV hurt really badly going in and I barely remember being knocked out. I remember them putting a mask on my face and telling me to take deep breaths (they did anesthesia via mask AND IV) and next thing I remember is being told to calm down and that everything was okay. I, apparently, was having a hard time coming out of anesthesia. I didn't do well last time I was put under either.

Wheeled into recovery where I was given a shot of Fentanyl which helped the pain (which was pretty severe) for a brief moment and made me very woozy. The pain came back pretty quickly and they gave me another shot of Fentanyl. Again, woozy and brief respite from the pain. After a bit, they had me get up and get dressed. This made me start vomiting and very nauseous so they gave me some Zofran. Another shot of Fentanyl until they could be sure I'd be able to keep down the Percocet pill they had for me.

Finally, my doctor came over to talk to us about the surgery. He found that my uterus had attached to the abdominal wall. He showed us a ton of pictures and that was by far the coolest picture he had. So he separated the uterus from my abdomen and said that was a fairly easy procedure. Drained and removed all the cysts (there were 4 on my left ovary and 1 on my right). Removed the fibroid which was HUGE. The pictures were insane. Dr. P was pretty impressed with the size of the thing as well. That took him most of the time in surgery, which actually ran longer than the 2 hours allotted for it. But he got it ALL. All that is left of it is a black scab which he said endometrial tissue will grow over it.

And on to the tube/ovary news....

My tubes and ovaries were perfectly healthy and fine!!! There was no blockage on my right tube. Just a little flap of tissue that he easily removed. There is no damage to either tube at all. My left ovary was only 1.5 times the size of a normal one so it definitely shrunk a great deal (thank you devil pills!). But he said he had no reason to remove any of them and that they are in great condition and looking very healthy!!!

I literally burst into tears with relief. I was shocked by this news because he had prepared me going into surgery that I could wake up with ONLY my right ovary. Every time, he opened his mouth, I swear it was like heaven and goodness flowed out!

I've had a pretty rough recovery so far. MUCH worse than surgery in February. I've been beyond blessed by Mr. Sunflower Bud. He's being incredible and taking such awesome care of me. He has to help me up and down out of bed and to the bathroom. He's been shooing the cats out of the bedroom (they want to cuddle up ON my stomach for some reason) and keeping Little Sunflower Bud out of the house as much as possible (she's in major Mommy phase and wants to climb all over me).

From the time I got home, I was literally asleep for 2 hours, awake for 20 minutes, asleep for 2 hours, awake for 20 minutes, etc. Woke up a lot during the night Wednesday night because I was itching so badly. Could not get with it at all all day Thursday. I made it down to the couch for about 40 minutes before I was asking to go back to bed. I couldn't look at my laptop because it made me ill for some reason. When I worked up the courage to get in the shower yesterday afternoon, I discovered that I was covered in hives!!! No wonder I was so itchy!

Turns out, I'm allergic to Percocet. What a sad sad allergy that is. Who wants to be allergic to such a wonderful narcotic? :( Called the doctor and he called in Darvocet and told us to flush the rest of the Percocet and that I'd have to note that on all allergies from now on (boooo). Started taking the Darvocet last night around 6pm and holy cow, what a difference!!! Knocked me out at first but when I woke up, I actually felt human. No more itching (thank you Benadryl!) and I was actually lucid and able to sit on the couch long enough to watch a movie and get on the laptop for a little while. I even slept 7 hours straight last night without waking up to itch! And I was able to eat a whole entire meal last night. I could barely nibble on toast throughout the day on the Percocet.

I go back to see Dr. P in 6 weeks to discuss what's next. It's funny... having been faced with IVF being our only option, doing IUI's just seems like pennies and dimes! I'm fairly certain that IUI is on our plate but the only question will be if it's medicated or unmedicated. Either way, the costs are certainly not as daunting now as it was when we were focused on affording IVF.

I'm on a hormone therapy schedule to build up my lining:
25 days on Premarin, 5 days off, 25 more days of Premarin
Days 13-25 of both months, take Provera

Just 2 months of healing and hormone therapy before we can get back to TTC! I am PSYCHED. I'm so getting pregnant this year. Spring 2011 looks like a lovely time to have a baby, don't you think?

The Sweetest Sound in the World

I really considered getting a doppler once I graduated from Dr Z, to sustain me during the long waits between OB appointments. (How anyone expects an infertility patient to be able to act like a "normal" pregnant woman is beyond me.) I did my research, found the best ones that could hear an early heartbeat that wouldn't completely break the bank, and started stalking ebay and craigslist (nationwide) so I didn't have to pay full price.

Then I started bleeding. Stupid subchorionic hematoma.

What a nightmare that was. Thankfully my doctor's office is wonderful (we love Dr Loh and nurse Maggie) and we were able to see that Smudge was okay right away... but now the anxiety level was even higher. How on earth was I supposed to handle the long wait between appointments now?! Bleeding, scared to death? That's conducive to relaxation. Sure.

So I made a plea to a group of women who know I how feel. Fellow infertiles, both pregnant and those who already have their take home baby/ies. And someone came through.

Thanks to the kindness of strangers, I now have a doppler I can call my own. I tried to pay for shipping, and I promised I would return it in 6 months, but she says no. She's 41 and she's done. It's mine.

And last night, for the first time, we heard Smudge's heartbeat. Not a ultrasound simulation in m-mode. Smudge's actual heartbeat.

Want to hear? It's music to my ears.

TTC on repeat

AF has come and gone again. Of course, she came the day before vacation, just like I figured.

I can't believe it's June already. That means I'm entering my 17th month of TTC.

Mr. Sassy Bud still has not gotten his S/A. It really doesn't matter much now anyway since I am not going to take any medical steps to get pregnant while I am in the process of interviewing for the new job. I got my results back from my test and I passed! Now I wait to hear from them for the next step.

We had a lovely vacation. I would definitely consider it one of the best I have been on, ever.

I think I will start temping again tomorrow so that I at least know when to expect AF. Besides, it's always fun to obsess over post-O temps, right?

That's all the randomness I have for today!

~Sassy Bud