Up & Down we go...

Where it PEAKS nobody knows...

ok, that was a little of my PCOS humor. not funny? ok...

So I am staying on top of this charting thing... I am making sure to take and record my temperature every morning when I wake up, between 6:45 and 7 in the morning, and I even sign in straight from my iPhone to the mobile "Fertility Friend" site and enter everything, so I won't forget... Here is what I have so far...

photo credit

I am not sure if this is looking good, bad, ugly, or whatever... but I guess we shall have to wait and see! If you don't recall, this is my first month charting EVER... so I am not too sure about what to expect... But I am going to keep on like "The Little Charter that Could"...

Here's hopin'...

It doesn't get much better than this!

Those of you who know me well, might be having the same thought as I am right now.

How on earth is it possible that I am 30 weeks pregnant?!


Well - i may not know how it's possible - but I know that I am. 30 weeks and 1 day pregnant. And yesterday I had the greatest OB appointment of my pregnancy so far. It was the first time I think I left without any doubts or concerns. And I left with a smile on my face.

So - this is how it went....

First - the typical, pee in a cup, blood pressure check and get on the dreaded scale. Except, as much as I dread getting on the scale, there was no reason to be worried. I had only gained 1 pound since my last appointment, making my pregnancy gain for the past 30 weeks only 14 pounds. I'm so proud of myself. Mr DB is proud of me. Dr Loh is proud of me. I'm well on track to gain no more than the 25 pounds I've resigned myself to, even though I originally wanted to stay under 20. It's really hard to be a fat chick with a huge appetite and control your pregnancy weight. But we're doing all of the right things with my diet - and I guess it's helping.

Then I asked a few questions about weird movement that I've been having. One of them feels like a vibration - and I asked her about it. Apparently babies can have the startle reflex in utero. Who knew? Then I mentioned the weird cervix feelings, where it feels like the baby is trying to dig it's way out.

So, she measured my uterus - all is well, and pulls out the doppler. Not long after she pulls out the doppler, she's pulling over the ultrasound machine. Now, she tells me that she just wants to check position, with what I was telling her. But silly nurse that I am knows that she really did it because she couldn't find the heartbeat. She kept getting mine. And i know the difference. I wasn't worried. Smudge had been moving around all day - and I knew the heart was right by my aorta. But it was awesome to get a surprise peek at Smudge, who is too big to even fit on the whole screen anymore! Smudge is transverse, again, surprise. Head on the right, butt on the left and fist in the mouth. And don't forget all the arms and legs hanging down dangling right on my cervix - explaining what i'm feeling.

Then we talked about some other symptoms I've been having - dizziness, cramps, contractions... we talked about my extreme water intake and she wants me to add more electrolytes and even gave me permission to eat a little bit of extra salt. So, i just downed a bottle of Gatorade Natural (thank you Whole Foods). I also got permission to change my PNV to a natural vitamin recommended by a friend, since my prescription PNV is no longer being made.

Oh - and at the end of my appointment, we discussed my ongoing back/hip and leg issues.... and she decided to pull me from work effective as soon as I want to be out. So, even though I'd rather never ever ever go back (ever)... i decided to do the responsible thing and stop working October 8th - exactly 2 months before my due date.

photo credit

I'm SO out of there.

So meanwhile - Smudge is growing strong - and kicking the crap out of me. Tuesday night, we actually were able to watch my belly move for about 15 minutes. We had never seen such exaggerated movement before. It was so much fun to watch. I've been having a lot of contractions, but I still haven't hit her magic number to require monitoring (4-6 in an hour) - so despite contracting all day long, it's never been more than 3 in 60 minutes. Hopefully the electrolytes help.

Work in progress

We've also been working on the nursery almost non-stop. The floor is in, the walls are painted. This week, we're going to put up and paint the wainscoting. It's going to be white. Now I just have to arrange for furniture delivery, which I'm planning for 36 weeks.

So, that's our update for now... 4 shifts left at work. 10 weeks (or so) left of pregnancy. Starting my biweekly OB visits now and hoping to complete my clinical hours for school before the beginning of November. Our childbirth classes with our doula start on saturday, also!! We're really excited.

Smudge is almost here!

Adoption Series

I was made aware of an awesome blog recently named Flower Patch Farmgirl. She recounts her adoption experience every week...she started at the very beginning of their journey, and each week she posts another tale. With everything that has been going on lately, the other night I was sitting with Mr. JB on the couch and we were watching lil JB play. We reflected on how far we had come, and how mesmerized we were that he was going to be 4 years old in just a few short months. On Halloween of 2007, lil JB was placed with us, and with Halloween coming up it made me very sentimental. Flower Patch Farm Girl has inspired me to do my own adoption series, and to blog about the process starting from the very beginning. It will take awhile, but I hope to show people what our adventure was like, and shed some light on the foster to adoption process. It can be heartwarming, grueling, heart breaking, and completely awesome all at the same time. I think it is important for people to know that. So, here it goes...

On October 31, 2007 my life changed forever. A little 12 pound bundle of 9 month joy was brought into my life. It is important to know that up until this time, Mr. JB and I had fostered four children. The first one entered our lives on March 31, 2007, and the last one had left our home on October 25, 2007. With each child's arrival I felt overwhelming joy, and with each child's departure I felt broken. It is also important to note that the child who left on October 25, 2007, had left me with a huge empty heart, and feeling a lot of despair. He came to our home in May, and from the get go we wanted to adopt him. We were under the impression that we probably would be able to, but by October 23, 2007 I was informed that he was going to be reunited with his father. Great news that his father was on the right track, but devastating for me, because I really felt that he would be our forever child.

As soon as the case manager pulled into the driveway at about 5:00 PM on October 31, 2007, I ran out the door to meet our new little guy. I was faced with an ADORABLE tiny child, with a big heaping hair of curls. I could not get over how cute he was, and in such a short life, this child had been through so much. Lil JB was born at the end of January and spent less than 4 months at home with his mother. The bulk of his time with his mother was spent in his crib, crying for her, and getting no response. She would leave him laying in his crib while she did drugs, and he developed an innate habit to scratch himself til he bled to get her attention. Yep, at exactly 1-3 months old, my child had been forced to do this to himself in order for her to even acknowledge him. He was removed from the home in May 2007, and spent the next 5 months bouncing from home to home. He had a severe case of Eczema, and continued to scratch himself to death, and no one wanted him. They labeled him a "behavior issue," and basically had to beg people to care for him. He also was so underweight that they had labeled him Failure to Thrive. My question is...How is a five month old a behavior problem?! I just wish we had found him sooner.

From the moment I took him out of his car seat, he never once cried, or acted like he didn't want to be around me because I was a stranger. The case manager even commented on how we quickly bonded, and stated that he had never been so calm and serene before around anyone. She told me that she felt like he just knew that this was his home. I giggled in delight and told her that, "of course it was, because he is my Pumpkin Baby." To this day I still call him my Pumpkin Baby, and if you ask lil JB why mommy's favorite holiday is Halloween, he will tell you that it is because he was my pumpkin baby. I also tell him that he was born in our hearts on Halloween. So, Halloween will always be a special holiday for our family.

The case manager informed us that lil JB's mother was still in the picture, and that she was supposed to visit him on a regular basis. This usually turned into maybe a visit once a month, and he also saw his 1/2 sister who was just a year older than him at the visits too. His mother was working on a case plan to get him back, but was very unstable and did not have a stable home or job. They also did not know who his biological father was. This was a relief to us, because it just meant that if they could not identify the father, that in the event the mother failed her case plan and her rights were terminated, that we could probably easily adopt lil JB. Little did we know what kind of bumpy road was heading our way! This pic is the first pic we took of him, the day after he came to our home! Sorry it is so grainy...I have carried it around so many place to show him off to so many people that it is rather worn now!

Til next time!

June Bud~

33-34 weeks & lots of updates!

Well I've made it through the busiest time of year at my job & now I'll have much more time to get ready for Baby Worry Bud to arrive, which also means being a little quicker with my updates! So since I have been so crazy busy, I'm going to apologize in advance that this may be a bit lengthy as I fill you in on the last couple of weeks. I hit 34 weeks pregnant this past Saturday & am so thrilled to have made it this far. As usual, I can't believe how quickly time is flying & that my EDD is only 6 (almost 5) weeks away. Today is the last day of September, then it's October & she's due November 6th, so she's literally due like next month!

Our "main" baby shower (being hosted by my sister & close friends) is this Saturday & my work shower is next Tuesday, so I am excited to see all the cute stuff little Baby WB receives! Speaking of showers, Mr. WB's mom threw us a lovely first baby shower on September 18th & we got some really cute stuff off of our registry, like:

This adorable Fisher Price Rainforest Melodies & Lights activity & tummy time mat!

This cute Carter's bouncer & mini Eddie Bauer "man" diaper bag for Mr. WB:

And lots & lots more from clothes to bottle drying racks to bottle warmers to blankets & everything in between! His mom, aunts & cousin did such a wonderful job with our shower - it was much much more than I ever expected, which was just a small family thing! We had a great time & loved all of the cute stuff we got for Baby WB!

In recent baby buying obsession news, I also bought a few more things over the past couple of weeks...so bad, I know, I know - but I can't HELP it! Here's what I got:

I had planned on purchasing a first year frame for the nursery photo wall & finally found one that was reasonably priced that I loved on Amazon. Now we have all the frames we need for her wall, so hopefully I can talk Mr. WB into putting them up this weekend so we can mark it off our to do list.

I hadn't planned on buying any "going home" baby outfits or any special outfits other than the first onesie we got from Target before we even knew that Baby WB was a girl. But then Obsessive Bud showed me pics of of little Olivia at the hospital & I saw that adorable matching gown & beanie outfit on from Etsy seller Addie Kakes Kreations & I just HAD to have one too (sorry for being a copier Mrs. OB, but it was too adorable to pass up)! So I got this one (in white & Baby WB's name of course, but the design/colors are all the same otherwise):

My little sister is going to take pics of us with the baby the day after she's born when she comes to visit us in the hospital & our little girl is gonna look so ADORABLE in her personalized cap & gown! I can hardly wait to get it!

I also had a 20% off Hallmark coupon, so today I bout the babe a cute memory book to record some memories from her first year with us. I feel like I may be going a teeny bit overboard, but hey...it's our first behbeh, so I'm excited! ;oP

According to Baby Center, Baby WB is the size of a cantaloupe this week. She is about 4 3/4 pounds & 18 inches long! She's getting plump in there -  her fat layers are filling out more & her lungs are continuing to mature. When I got my weekly Baby Center email this week about the baby's development, it actually made me breathe a huge sigh of relief because it said that babies born between 34-37 weeks that have no other health problems generally do just fine. Not that I want her born any time before 37 weeks (or before the end of October for that matter), but still, good to know.

I can't believe the miracle of babies growing inside of women - it'll be even more real when she gets here, but sometimes I sit & think about how wonderfully awesome it is that I have another human being growing inside of me! It's also becoming so real that she'll be here soon...like SO real. I'm starting to get a little nervous - excited, but still nervous at all the changes our relationship, family & life in general are about to go through! As far as I go, I'm doing okay - very tired/achy by the end of the day & I can't breathe all that well, so I'm breathing really heavy when I walk short distances or talk too fast. I've also been getting pretty daily, beautiful cankles since last week. My Dr. assures me this is normal & advised that I just rest with my feet up at the end of the day, which normally does the trick, so by the next morning, my ankles are back! I'm also getting up to pee in the middle of the night much more often, which makes me even more exhausted when it's time to get up for work. Speaking of work...I got my final maternity leave schedule okay'ed by both of my bosses this week, woot! So the plan is that my last day in the office is October 29th - exactly a month from yesterday, woo! Then, I'll telework November 1st - 4th & take my normal Friday off on November 5th. I'm due November 6th, which is a Saturday. Then I'm off using a combo of holiday, sick, annual & comp time leave from November 8th until January 29th. I absolutely cannot wait to not have to worry about work for THREE months & am so blessed to have such a flexible job that I am able to take off that long! I figure even if I go past my due date, I'll just go ahead & start my leave anyways because I'll likely get induced the week after my due date. Hopefully I won't need to worry about that, but I'm not against it if I don't go into labor on my own either.

We had our 34 week appointment last Friday, the second to last bi-weekly appointment. We have one more next Friday, then I start seeing my OB once a week! This appointment was a normal one - peed in a cup, they checked my weight & blood pressure & the Dr. listened to the babe's heartbeat with the Doppler - 158 bpm if I remember correctly. I think they said I will get the order to do the Group B Strep test at my next appointment. And finally...here's my 33 & 34 week bump shots, I think she's definitely getting bigger in there:

33 weeks:

34 weeks:

That's all I got for now! Time is quickly winding down & soon I'll be introducing Baby WB to all of you!

Distractions

It's CD 69, and my cross hairs have vanished for the third (fourth?) time this cycle.

But I'm not talking about that today.

This week on a message board I frequent, the question was asked "How do you distract yourself from the TTC madness?" I'm paraphrasing a bit, but that's the general gist.

It's a good question, really, because TTC has a nasty habit of infiltrating every nook and cranny in my brain until its hard to think of anything else. It becomes preoccupying and stressful, which kind of defeats the purpose.

So what does one do?

In my case, a lot of my distraction comes from the written word.

I am currently taking part in a book challenge through Stainless Steel Droppings, and as of tomorrow, I will be taking part in the Nest's Fall Book Challenge. I love reading, and I love checklists. Book challenges combine them both into a cornucopia of fun.

When reading doesn't sound enjoyable (read:almost never), I write. I've been writing a manuscript for about a year now, mostly for my own enjoyment, rather than for publication.

Both avenues allow me to immerse myself in fiction, which is, to me, the ultimate distraction from everything (for serious. When HP and the Deathly Hallows came out, I locked myself in my room for eight hours to read it. Mr. Cherry Bud though I had run away.). I have to stay away from books involving babies, but I don't mind. The literary world has plenty to offer in the way of baby-free materials.

What do you do to distract yourself from the baby-making madness?

Enjoying this time

Every morning I wake up and am so happy and grateful that our little person has stayed with us. Til this day it does not feel real to me, I tell my husband I think it will finally feel real when I have him in my hands.

This week we had our Doctor's appointment and it went AMAZING!! We confirmed it was a boy and we were able to see him in 3d/4d. WOW.. I cried, I felt as if I met him at that moment. He has Mr. Buds nose... adorable.

I have been feeling really good and have no complains... I've been getting my energy back and have had no more nausea.

Here are a few belly pics.. This week I'm really starting to show and am loving it!!! I'm loving how to accessorize my bump :)

And this week at 19 weeks...

After our 12 week appointment I was dying to purchase my baby bag. This was something very personal to me, I know what I wanted and did not want anything that screamed out BABY!! Especially since I have to go back to work and will take my breast pump to pump milk through out the day.

I had a 20% off coupon and headed into the outlet and found this beauty on clearance for 50% off!!! It was meant to be.....

I have tons to post... Nursery, pregnancy fashion and tons more!

I Might Be a Science Experiment

I wish I had something more interesting or positive to report, but there is nothing new under the sun. My hubby is still job searching, I am still crazy busy at work, and we are both hoping that something turns around for us soon.

Yesterday someone on a local message board I visit posted about an opportunity to participate in a study for women who are TTC. I requested more information. Who knows, maybe sometime soon I will be......and being compensated to TTC is something I am all about. :)

4 weeks, 6 days

The past six days (since my +HPT) have flown by. Mr. Magnolia Bud and I are thrilled, and we're starting to believe it's real. I wanted to share my observations from the past week with you all.

1. Bloat only gets worse! I had to use the hairband trick last weekend to get into my jeans--but once I had it fastened, boy were they comfy! [A note: I went out and bought two BeBands last night, just in case I need them sooner than I hope to--white and black.]

2. I've read a lot of newly-pregnant women on the Bump say that they're hungry all the time. I'm not. I was a pretty clean eater before, and I've cut out all the junk now (well, except the snickerdoodles Mr. MB made me last week!). I'm finding that it's hard to get all the protein I'm supposed to be eating, along with all the fruits & veggies. I don't have food aversions, unless I can count just not wanting to eat much. I actually made a little chart that I keep with me so I can check off my food groups. I really just want to do everything for this embryo in my power to help it stick around.

3. Every time I use the restroom, I still check the TP for spotting. I never knew it was possible to worry so much about someone so teeny. Seriously. Size of a poppy seed.

4. One of my coworkers asked me flat out yesterday if I were pregnant (he does this from time to time--he was making a joke about doulas). I'm feeling pretty good about my lawyering skills since I was able to turn the question around on him and get him talking about pet parenting instead.

5. Mr. Magnolia Bud has been incredibly excited and supportive this entire journey, and he told me something last weekend that made me even more excited about this pregnancy and going through this journey with him--he had been following my chart, and every day would ask how my temp was that morning. The day I got my BFP, I told him that my temp went down (it did a little), and he was just like "oh, ok." After I got my BFP, he told me that even though he was nonchalant, he was really sad about the temp dropping. He teared up a little when he told me that. I think he's a keeper!

Lots of love and baby dust!

-Magnolia Bud

I really want to know

What I did to deserve all the bad things happening to me lately.

I went in for my baseline appointment today to start my injection cycle. I have a 4cm (40mm) cyst.

CANCELED.

I have no shame. I burst into tears right there in the middle of the ultrasound before she even told me. I knew going in that something was wrong. My period is incredibly heavy and thick and full of very large clots. My fear was that my fibroid was back. Having a cyst was in the back of my mind due to the pain I'd had during ovulation and the very low progesterone number. Even though I had the feeling that something wasn't right, I still wasn't prepared to hear that it was actually true and we would be canceled until the cyst resolves itself. However long that is going to take.

I'm having such a hard time right now. It feels like absolutely nothing is going right and I don't understand what I did to deserve all of this. I just stayed in bed all day today and cried.

The nurse said we could try on our own this month and it took a lot of willpower not to laugh in her face. Really? Try on my own? BWAHAHAHAHAHAH. The whole reason we are doing the injections is because I can't get pregnant on my own.

And then she followed that up with telling us that the risk of miscarriage is higher because of the cyst.

Just another step closer to throwing in the towel and being done with all of this crap.

Birth Center Tour & LEEP Followup

At our birth center, we are required to go on the official tour before we have our first OB appointment. Since they do first prenatal appointments between 10 and 12 weeks, they schedule birth center tours around 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for October 27! I'm so excited, but also still very cautious. The center director was really helpful and warm, which is no different than anyone else who I've had contact with there--I am so happy we're going to be getting all of our prenatal care there.

The only thing that makes me not 100% excited for October 27 is that it's the same day I have my LEEP followup at the Women's Hospital oncology unit. That day marks six months since my LEEP, and they'll be doing my first pap since the LEEP to see if they removed all of the abnormal cells. I'm really nervous, since I've been having abnormal paps (due to high-risk HPV) for over 10 years--this is the first time it's been moderately or severely abnormal, so it was the first time I needed to treat it with anything more serious than a colposcopy.

A New Kind of Wait...

Well, the last time I had to wait, I was waiting for MR. JB's SA results. We all know that the results we got were not good, so we have decided to move onto adoption. I am sitting here typing this, and I am trying so hard to not be irrational. The day after we decided to go ahead with working towards adoption, I contacted the agency that we had fostered through to find out the process of having our home reopened as an adoptive home. I spoke to the woman who had originally licensed our home and worked with us for the two years we fostered, and she led me in the right direction. Little did I know everything would come to a screeching halt. I first emailed the woman who I need to speak with in regards to becoming an adoptive home. This was last Wednesday, and by Friday I still had not heard anything. So, I decided to drop her another quick email. She did write me back, wanting to know what would be a good time to call me that day. I gave her a huge open window (basically from 11 am on), and waited anxiously for her phone call. It never came. So, the weekend went by and I just enjoyed being with my family. We have some great friends who are our neighbors, and we attended a surprise birthday party at their house. I also babysat overnight for my friends one year old, which helped me get my baby fix. Monday rolled around, and I was very busy at work, but I took a moment to call the woman at the agency. Left her a message, gave her two different phone numbers to reach me on, and waited. She never called me back. Patience is not my best virtue, and I understand they are busy. But, in my mind, having a potential adoptive home ready to go that has already had a home study, and just needs to be reopened would have me jumping for joy. Oh well, I know I am not on the top her list, but when you have gone through what we have with trying to get pregnant, not getting pregnant, and then getting the news of not being able to get pregnant, you really, REALLY, REALLY want to move forward and as quickly as possible. I emailed her again yesterday to try to touch base and yet again, got no response. I just feel like it is never going to happen. I told Mr. JB my concerns, and of course he is urging me to be patient. RIGHT. I also brought up domestic infant adoption again, and that is just not in the cards right now, as the money would be an issue. Sigh. Waiting. It SUCKS!

And our donor egg cycle continues...

Lots of good news to report! I had my estrogen check last Friday--it was 168! They were looking for anything over 50. My ovaries might suck but my uterus rules!

The more exciting news is that today is my donor's 5th day of stimulation meds. My donor coordinator called me with an update--our donor had 11 measurable follicles and 45 more growing. Those numbers are so big I can barely add them! Granted they may not all be mature at the time of her retrieval (estimated next Monday or Tuesday) but still, those are great numbers. I am very hopeful!

I go in Friday for another estrogen check and an ultrasound to measure my lining. Friday is our donor's day 8 appointment as well, so I'll have another update on her follicle count. She should be triggering Friday or Saturday. Holy cow!

Til Friday - wish us luck!
Golden Bud

Keeping busy with projects

We recently had our master bedroom painted, and with the blinds removed for the project, I realized for the first time how much natural sunlight the room gets if you let it. At our painter's suggestion, I decided not to re-hang the blinds, but rather to hang sheer valances in their place. And since I had 84" valances from the former guest room that I won't be using anymore, out came the sewing machine!

My window is oddly shaped: 84" wide by just 16" high. It runs across the top of our bed, and into the side yard. So I needed two panels, each fairly wide, but only 17" long.

Once I had the old panels cut to size, I ironed the seams to make nice, crisp edges. This was quite the task, being 6 mos. pregnant. Since I got pretty lightheaded after crawling around the rug to measure and cut the panels, I set up a seated ironing table in our office. If I can sit, I can iron. It actually worked out really well:



After ironing a 3" hem, I realized that the sheerness of the curtains would make the jagged edge from my kitchen scissors show. Can't have that! So I folded the top edge in, so that there was about an inch of a hem, with smooth edges on both sides. And then I ironed like crazy, with a little spray starch.

Once I got the seam sewn across the hem, I realized that the stitching still showed. It looked alright, but when you have a spool of 1/4" ivory grosgrain ribbon in your arsenal, who's good with just alright? Not me, that's for sure. So I added a neat row of ivory edging, about 3/4" above the bottom edge of the curtain, smack on top of the original hem seam.



I'll be back with in-room success shots once our new furniture gets delivered and the room gets put together!

Acupuncture & IVF

Zen (zĕn). noun. Complete and absolute peace.

Photography Credit

My new clinic, which I love by the way, has an on-site acupuncturist and he offers a free consultation to all patients under Dr. T's practice. I have done acupuncture twice in the past and I really love how relaxed I felt after those two appointments. Here is what my future acupuncturist believes are the benefits of acupuncture for IVF and infertility:

1) Acupuncture and Chinese medicinals help to improve ovarian function by increasing blood flow to that region of the body. This may allow for the development of better quality eggs and strong, healthy embryos.

2) Acupuncture increases blood flow to the uterus. Studies indicate that increased blood flow to the uterus can help to promote follicular development and encourage implantation of the embryo.

3) Acupuncture and Chinese medicinals can help support the ovaries to respond more efficiently to the hyper-stimulating drugs thereby allowing for the production of more follicles.

4) Acupuncture and Chinese medicine can regulate estrogen and progesterone levels which can augment the lining of the uterus for proper implantation.

5) Acupuncture strengthens the immune system. Since approximately half of chemical pregnancies miscarry, one of the treatment goals is to boost the patient’s immune system using acupuncture and herbs.

6) There are high levels of physical and emotional stress associated with trying to get pregnant. Acupuncture and herbs are very effective in reducing stress and alleviating the side-effects of the hyper-stimulating medications, which help the patient to be calm and relaxed.

7) Acupuncture treats the root cause of female infertility and many other gynecological conditions that contribute to infertility such as irregular menses, endometriosis, blocked fallopian tubes and PCOS.

Photography Credit

A recent study in the Journal of Fertility & Sterility in February 2002. In this study, 160 women underwent routine IVF. Half of them were randomized to have acupuncture both before and after the embryo transfer and half were not. The results were also blinded to those who had acupuncture and those who didn't. Randomization and blinding made this a very good and unbiased study. The acupuncture group had a pregnancy rate about 40% higher than the group that did not have acupuncture.

I will be calling tomorrow for my initial consult and I am excited to get the acupuncture ball rolling again in preparation for my fresh cycle in November...

Clomid Cycle #3

I've debated writing this post. I am usually not an emotional person, and do not wish to be portrayed as such. I view emotion as weakness, and for the most part, try to keep it at bay - especially in front of strangers.



However, I think it is time to come clean. I could just sit here and type to you matter of fact postings describing how crazy fertility drugs make me, but that is not the reason why I joined this blog. In my short 4 month here, I have come to see you all not as strangers, but as a supportive community. You have all shared your ups and downs with me, and I think it is time to share mine with you.



After AF decided to announce her presence (on her own this time, which is very out of character), I began Clomid cycle #3 on 100mgs of pure insanity.



This time? Was kind of anti-climatic. I was a little weepy the first night, and I continue to have a few hot flashes, but so far I have not been an emotional basket case nor have I spit my gum on the side of someones car because they cut me off in traffic (Wait, did I forget to tell you guys that story? Its probably for the best.). Basically, I have just been hanging out and FREAKING THE EFF OUT over becoming pregnant again.



I'm scared to death that if I become pregnant and lose a fourth pregnancy, it will be the one that breaks me. On the other hand, I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I get past this hurdle. I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp, and when I think that we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Not to mention how much I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down with my infertility. My poor husband - what did he do to deserve this?

Speaking of my poor husband, I think he knows more about the female reproductive system than any man ever wants to know. No man should know what EWCM is, let alone what it looks like.

So here I am, wallowing in my own pity, and moving forward without knowing if I should. However, if I always feared the unknown, I would be sitting alone, in my house, with approximately 10-15 cats (all of which I would be knitting socks for).

I think right now its best to take a chance. Because without chances, I think we all would become Crazy Cat Ladies.....and I'm not that great of a kniter anyways.

Answers!

On Friday, after 8 days of negative tests, (on 15DPO), Mr. Magnolia Bud and I found out what was up! I tested (again) after work, and the first test was clearly positive. So were the second, third, fourth, and fifth...all different brands.

Baby Magnolia Bud is on the way!!! S/he will be here on/about June 2, 2011, and we are both over the moon with excitement and anticipation!

I learned my lesson about early testing--I think I used 13 internet cheapies in those 8 days, plus at least six early response tests. With Baby #2, I really need to learn what patience is!

I'm really looking forward to sharing the pregnancy part of this journey with you. Thanks to all of you for your support over the last month that I've been sharing our story with you.

Lots of love and baby dust,

Magnolia Bud and Baby Magnolia Bud

So Glad It's Friday!

I'm so happy it's Friday! This week has been a complete rollercoaster, and today is another dip in the ride.

After another highest-ever temp yesterday, my temp dropped (0.4, but enough to make me think my triphasic pattern will come to an end tomorrow morning). I've only been at this a month, and am already feeling discouraged. I think I mostly feel this way because after four cycles of having 8 and 9 day luteal phases, I made it to DAY 15 today!!! That's a SIX-day increase in LP in one cycle. I can't wrap my brain around what hormonal changes have had to occur in my body this month to make that happen all.at.once. I'm still having crampy twinges and backaches, and crazy fatigue, but the crampiness today feels a little more like my usual AF cramps--just occasionally, and not nearly as intense. I've been doing a lot of reading on Dr. Google (I know, he's not my friend!), and I've only seen reports of greater than 1-2 day LP increases from B6 a handful of times. That doesn't help how I'm feeling--it just adds to my confusion.

On top of my TTC struggles this week, I was traveling for a few days earlier this week for work. It always takes me a couple of days to get back into a routine at home after leaving town, and this week has been no different. Today I realized that we're low on groceries, the laundry has started to pile up, and the house is starting to get messy again. So tonight, Mr. Magnolia Bud and I are going to be a terribly un-fun married couple and get things in order. He always loves nights like this, since he gets stuck with dishes and cleaning up the kitchen :::guilty wife look:::

At least I've defrosted a tasty dinner for us tonight. We're having a beef stir-fry with peppers, broccoli, and some bamboo shoots. If I get another - test tonight, we'll be having wine with dinner too. I think it's needed after this week!

Ladies, do any of you have B6 stories to share? (Especially if B6 caused your LP to lengthen by more than 1-2 days?)

Have a great Friday, everyone!

Love and lots of baby dust--

--Magnolia Bud

Into the Double Digits

Well it looks like my best birthday present this year will be what ever Mr. PB gets me (I am hoping for something sparkly). AF reared her ugly head yesterday during my third period class initializing cycle #10, definitely never thought I would be here. My cramps were the worst they have been in a few months. I am oddly okay with it. I only a few small crying session, but nothing major. I definitely think it is the IF consultation that I have made for the end of October. At least I know there is hope of a plan being put in place. Mr. PB and I have one more month before the appointment. Who knows maybe I will get to cancel it?
I am not a highly religious person, but can't help thinking that there has to be a good reason why we can't get pregnant. Maybe it is just not the right time, maybe something else big is planned for us. All I know is we are definitely ready and I just hope answers come quick and easy.

And we have a chart... well, sort of :)

I am so proud of my little chart! Sure it's only CD2 for me, but I can't help but be excited! I should add that the day when I announced that AF had come to town, in this post was really just spotting, and officially my cycle started the next day when she really came in full force... My body is weird :-/

So, here it is...

photo credit

Sure, it's not much... but we've only just started! We shall see how it goes from now on...

The only bad thing is that I've gotten a bit sick, and am not sure how my chart will behave this month... I have barely started and I am already wondering... but I guess there's nothing else to do but just hope for the best, and try!

Yeah, I'm excited :)

Pepper's Here! I mean Olivia Clare!

Olivia Clare made her debut into this world on September 15, 2010 at 5:32 PM. She weighed 7lbs 8.5 oz 19 1/4th inches long. She has the cutest dimple and lots of hair! I can’t begin to tell you how lucky and blessed we are to have such a beautiful little girl. She is gorgeous. My birth story is very interesting and eye opening. I’m so lucky to have such a great doctor and little Miss Liv is also.

Last Maternity Photo 38 Weeks 3 Days

It all started on Tuesday, September 14, 2010. I had my 38 week doctor appointment with my awesome doctor. I had been on bedrest for the last couple of weeks and was dying to get off of bedrest. Let me tell you, what I would do to have that back =) Anyways, when we go in I get checked and he said I was 25-50% effaced and 1-1.5 cm dilated. I was actually excited about that progress. For the longest time I was no where and I was REALLY worried I wouldn’t dilate at all on my own because of previous cryotherapy. I wanted nothing more than to have a vaginal birth. My doctor let me know we were on the schedule for that night to have an induction and if I wanted it to go in at 10pm. I didn’t really know what to do to be honest. I went back and forth on it in the room with Mr. OB. Thinking how a failed induction = csection but I really wanted to meet our little girl and she was measuring on the bigger size and who knows if I could push out a 9lb baby. While we were talking it over my doctor let me know he was going to strip my membranes. Ouch. I swear I was going to pee on the guy. It wasn’t so bad painful just I swear he was stripping my bladder! He then told me how he didn’t do mine that much and sometimes he does it and breaks women’s waters and that he could have done more for me. We then decide to see what happens with this membrane stripping. I figured I would be having contractions frequently and by the end of the day ready to have her out and I would have made my decision. We told the receptionist I would call back with our decision.

We go home and we talk it over and I’m about 75% leaning towards the induction 25% leaning towards waiting on more week. Well little did I know my decision would be made for me. Mr. OB decides to go to the office and I realized I’m soaking up panty liners with blood. I knew I was suppose to bleed but there was alot of bleeding. I call into the doctors office and my doctor said why don’t you just go into labor and delivery and we can see what is going on. We then decide might as well start this induction early.

I call Mr. OB he comes home and I tell him we need to go get new phones. Yes before I went to the hospital I made sure I checked one more thing off my list. We went to Verizon to get new phones. See I have had a crappy go phone for the last 5 years. I have never upgraded. My phone can’t take pictures, get on the internet, etc and I felt like this was important. My bleeding had subsided so I felt like it was okay for the time being. And how long could that REALLY take?

We get 2 new phones.. YAY! And we are off to the hospital. Let me tell you though, that phone saved me during labor. I was talking to people constantly keeping my mind off of the contractions etc. It was VERY worth it. We get Wendy’s before we get to the hospital because I know if I dont eat I won’t get food for a while. I get a chicken sandwich and try to eat as much as I can. I’m a little nervous and eating was difficult.

Well we get to the hospital and I go into labor and delivery and the nurses there ask me why I am there. They have a full house and I’m not on the list to be induced tonight. But I do have my paper work told them about my bleeding and they got me into a triage room. I was admitted at 6 and finished eating my dinner and we started Cyotec to help ripen my cervix. I was having some pretty constant contractions but nothing too painful and I was getting a repeat dosage every 3 hours.I was also pretty upset I didnt eat more at dinner time. I was already starving and it was only 10! I lost my mucus plug at about 10 pm. I’m not going to lie I told myself pretty soon I would be in pain and my hunger pains would be nothing compared to the contractions! My doctor came in and chatted a bit with us and I told him how he started all of this by stripping my membranes. On a side note I can’t believe how much those guys work. He was there at all hours of the day.

I went from a 1-2 at about midnight. It was going slowly but that was okay for me. At 3 am I woke up and told Mr. OB I think my water broke. He said, are you sure you didn’t pee on yourself. Well when your water breaks like it did for me you know your water broke. There was no holding it in. I got up to walk to the bathroom and I was just leaking everywhere. Because my water broke spontaneously I couldn’t get anymore medication vaginally so off to Pictoin it was. We had to have this baby within the next 24 hours. EXCITING!So at 4 AM we started the Pictocin. I knew that these contractions are contractions from hell but I was also determined to get the epidural when I was at least 4 cm dilated. I didn’t want to get it too early because I knew it would slow down the process which was already slow in my opinion. The nurse also told me to be aware when you ask for the epidural you don’t get it then and there. You have to get tons of fluids in you before you get it and it takes about an hour to an hour and a half for that. I definitely kept that in mind. At about 7 I decided the pains were pretty bad. They asked me what my pain level was 1-10 and I said 6-7. Mr. OB says, umm you take the epi when you are at a 10. Well buddy in about an hour or two I will be at a 10 and it will be too late. I couldn’t have asked for it at a perfect time! I labored for about 3-4 hours without the epidural and it was rough there at the end. I was dilated to at about a 3 or 4 at this time. When I was checked at 11AM I was at a 5. I was finally getting SOMEWHERE! At 1:30 I was at a 6 and at 2:30 I was at an 8! I think alot of my progress was due to my awesome nurse Jenifer I had. Every time she checked me she stretched and massaged my cervix because she knew I had cryotherapy. She was such an awesome nurse. At 3 I was at a 9.5 and it was about time to push. Go figure the epidural would wear off by now and I could feel alot of pressure in my groin and back. Major Back Labor! I couldn’t get more medicine because then I couldn’t feel my contractions and know when to push. I figured I could handle it.

We started pushing at 3:30ish right after I threw up. I guess thats the sign its time to push? This is the photo Mr. OB took RIGHT before I started pushing. Notice my phone. See it was VERY important I get that phone.

Once we started pushing I thought she was NEVER going to come out. I pushed for 2 hours straight. It was rough. I could feel everything with every push I had pain in my right groin and nerve pain because she was hanging out on my nerve and there was nothing anyone could do for it. We decided to have me push on my side. It was a VERY awkward laboring position but it was the only way I felt some sort of relief. After about 2 hours of pushing my doctor came in and it was go time.

There is a funny part in this story… I had a labor music. I had a song I wanted to be played while I was pushing and I told Mr. OB about it. It was more a joke but we played it from our phones and all the nurses came in wondering what the hell I was doing. Yes I was pushing to the song by Salt N Pepper … Push It. With every push I laughed. Nurses were coming in wondering why rap music was blaring. All the nurses were saying when they have their babies they are totally going to push to that song.I told Mr. OB and the nurses how my doctor was going to come in and think WTH is this chick doing. The nurses said nah he will like it. He comes in and and I’m pretty sure he was singing or dancing away. I’m sure now he thinks Im a nut. Pure awesome. It definitely lighten the mood.

After a couple of pushes everyone says they can see her head and she is almost out. Then I hear the nurse say, “She didn’t show any signs of this. If she had we wouldn’t have had her labor”. Yep the cord was wrapped around my daughters neck and tight. Little Olivia didn’t ONCE show any signs of distress. At all. Her heartrate was perfect throughout the entire laboring process. Amazing.

As I’m waiting for her to cry, I hear my doctor say, “There is something you want to do right” to Mr. OB and Mr. OB cuts the cord. Then I heard the most awesome sound ever. Her crying. It was amazing. Then this is where things went downhill FAST!

Mr. OB walked over to look at Miss Olivia because I couldn’t see her or hold her because the doctor was working on me. I knew I needed to deliver the placenta but had no idea there were complications. Pretty much the cord ruptured and I was hemorrhaging. My doctor is elbow deep into my uterus trying to get out residual placenta and I hear him say, we need to get her to the OR ASAP and she needs a blood transfusion. She has lost ALOT of blood. I’m like huh? I just want to see my daughter. Mr. OB comes over with her before they rush me out and I see her and she is perfect. I’m in alot of pain because 1. the epidural as worn off and 2. my doctor is trying to find the rest of the placenta since the cord ruptured and ouch it was WORSE than labor pains.

The nurse gave me a shot of demerol and I was out. I was fainting and told everyone and off to the OR I went. I meant to tell Mr. OB I loved him before they wheeled me out but I was gone. I remember getting to the OR and saying oh I feel alot better. It was super cold in there and helped me come to it.

My doctor began working on me and I had a d and c to get the remaining placenta. I lost alot of blood so I was very out of it. I do remember telling the doctor I was sorry Push It wasn’t on in the OR room. I also remember shaking SO bad from the epidural and tell my doctor I was sorry it might be hard to work down there with all my shaking. The nurses were also telling my Mr. OB was worried about me and if I wanted to tell him anything. Oh yeah I did. This is what I wanted to tell him. My nipples hurt. Yes I said, tell him my nipples hurt its so cold in here. He will know I’m fine. After I guess what about was an hour I’m all finished and my doctor finished me up and I was sent to recovery. I see Mr. OB waiting for me outside and he said so I guess you’re okay but your nipples aren’t? HAHA

I was sent to a room and was able to see my daughter and bond for the first time. The nurses in the nursery were so wonderful. They didn’t bath her give her a bottle or anything. I said I wanted to breastfeed as soon as possible and I didn’t get that hour to bond with her but they realized what I went through and made it happen. I was so happy. Here is our first family photo!

After an hour it was time for mommy to rest. And rest I did. I was so dizzy and just out of it from losing so much blood. I needed a blood transfusion. I got two units of blood the next morning and felt AMAZING. I can’t believe how much blood I had lost. Pretty much half of my blood. I’m so lucky and fortunate to have such a wonderful and talented doctor. It could have been worse better yet I could have died on that table. I can’t begin to tell you how blessed we are. I kept on telling my doctor thanks for saving my life and he was like Nah, it wasn’t a big deal.

Here are some photos my awesome friend took of us the day after! They are amazing!

Little Miss Olivia had to stay an extra night in the hospital without her mommy because of some jaundice issues. Theses are all taken care of but let me tell you leaving the hospital with an empty carseat was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can’t believe the love I have for my daughter already. Its so amazing.

More on how our first night home was etc later. For now Mommy needs some much needed rest!

Steps in a new direction

We met with Dr. P this morning to discuss my latest blood test results. My slightly elevated FSH coupled with my low progesterone this month leads him to believe there is ovulatory dysfunction going on. My mother went through menopause early at 38 and he said that this may be the case for me as well. So in his words, "We can't drag feet here."

I'm to call as soon as I start my period (in the next few days) and then they will have me come in for my baseline appointment. At that point, they will call in to the pharmacy of my choice (they gave me a list of 4 they recommend) to order my meds. I'll be on a low dose of Follistim to start out conservatively and see how I respond, ramping up if necessary. Then I'll be going in daily for ultrasounds and bloodwork after a few days on that to see how I'm responding. Once ovulation is imminent, I will be triggering with 10,000 miu of Novarel HCG. And then taking vaginal progesterone suppositories until either I'm not pregnant or until 12 weeks of pregnancy.

He said that there is a 22% chance of conceiving with this protocol with my history.

He also said he doesn't feel IUI is necessary but would do it if we wanted. He feels we would be wasting our money though so I agreed to give it a shot with TI this month and see what happens, maybe move on to IUI next cycle.

He didn't even feel the need to really discuss IVF at this point, saying he doesn't feel I'm a candidate for it yet and we'd worry about it after a few cycles of this.

So... that's where I stand. A little nauseous about the cost but knowing it will be worth it.

My thoughts thus far

Well, it is Thursday and has been three days since the news of Mr. JB's SA came back. We have told many of our friends and family the situation we face, and everyone has been very supportive. They of course, remind us of the fact that God can work in mysterious ways, and that I may turn up pregnant soon. Right. Well, if that does indeed happen, I would be ecstatic, but I am not holding my breath. Anyways, it feels good to have a plan in action. I have gotten in touch with the counselor at the child welfare agency that would need to help get things in gear for us to be re licensed as an adoptive home. This SHOULD be a pretty painless process, with little red tape to go through, since we only gave up our foster care license about 8 months ago. I am waiting to hear back from her in regards to what our next step will be. I am such an impatient person, that it is KILLING me waiting to hear from her. But, I know that I need to sit back and relax. This is one time that you CAN give me the advice to relax, and I will not bite your head off.

I do still feel sad at times about the way all of this has played out. Mr. JB and I used to always talk about what would happen if we weren't able to have kids, but it is a whole different ballgame when they actually TELL you that you can't. I get sentimental when I think about not being pregnant, or not feeling my baby kick, or not get to go into labor, or breastfeed etc. But, then I look into Lil JB's eyes, and I remember how good God can be, because he did bless us with him through foster care and adoption. We fought very hard for him, and it was a tough 2 year battle. If Mr. JB and I can get through that, and come out on top and strong, then we can do anything. I truly believe this. There were times I cried myself to sleep when we were sure lil JB was going to leave to go live with some relative who was a STRANGER to him. I pictured him waking up in the middle of the night crying for me, and me not being able to be there to help him. I pictured him wondering why we left him, and nobody being able to give him any answers. My heart would be torn out and broken into pieces while I imagined the worst, only for a few weeks to go by and for things to look up and seem to be going in our favor. Then we would be on a blissful high that no one could take us down from. We dealt with a lot over those two years, and we always leaned on each other and held each others hand along the way. Many couples may have been broken apart dealing with the stress we dealt with, but for us, it was a huge learning experience and made us appreciate what we had even more and learn to lean on one another in serious times of need.

I fantasize about what our child will look like, and if it will be a boy or a girl. I know that our darling child is out there, and pretty soon we will get to meet them.

No news is good news

Photo credit: Golden Bud

On Monday our donor had her suppression check. My coordinator didn't call me with the results, which I assumed to be a good sign (this time anyways). A quick email confirmed that our donor had no cysts and would be starting her stims this Friday.

I've been on Lupron and estrogen patches (the square patches weirdly known as "Dots") and am popping Tylenol daily to deal with the annoying Lupron headaches. I go in for an estrogen test this Friday. That'll be our next hurdle -- we need a good number to show that my lining is increasing. I've never had lining problems in the past, so I expect smooth sailing.

As our donor's egg retrieval draws near, I've been shopping on Etsy for donor gifts. It's common to deliver a gift for her to receive after her surgery. I'm collecting a few goodies in her favorite color (teal) and ordered a necklace that I hope she likes.

Things are pretty boring right now, but that's ok. No news is good news.


Til next time,
Golden Bud

Next up- more appointments.

I feel like my TTC journey moves in slow motion sometimes. It's frustrating having to make appointment after appointment for Mr. Sassy Bud and I, but it's a necessary evil, so we do it.

Mr. SB is going in for his repeat S/A tomorrow.

I also went to my gyno and got our referral to the RE so we can officially start going to their office even though we have had all our procedures done there already.

The consultation appointment is on my birthday. I'm hoping that it wasn't a bad idea to schedule it that day. I'm pretty much already prepared for IVF as a treatment course based on our S/A results, so I don't know that I will really get any bad news at the appointment. Hopefully it is moreso exciting than upsetting, even though just making the appointment yesterday turned me into an emotional mess. I just have to be strong, and keep moving forward. February will mark 2 years of TTC. I desperately hope to be pregnant by then.

Because my chart isn't confusing enough

I had a plan.

It was a good plan.

I had given up on this cycle, I made my peace with it, and I was excited to start fresh.

And now what do I have?

Cross hairs.

At CD61.

On the bright side, if I O'd, even though we had bad BD timing, it would mean I did it on my own, and that I'll start AF in a week or so.

On the downside, I had a plan, darn it!

Made Some Serious Decisions...

The last time I posted, we were still waiting for Mr. JB's SA results. Those results came yesterday, and they were not good. I think in the back of our minds, we knew this might happen. Mr. JB underwent Chemotherapy and Radiation as a child, and that can greatly affect fertility, especially when it is done during those developmental years. We had a long conversation last night about all of our options, and we have decided as a couple, that IUI or IVF is not an option right now. We would like to let nature take its course, as the money spent on the IVF or IUI does not give us any guarantees. We have decided at this point to head in the direction of adoption again...I got into contact with our re-licensing counselor from when we were Foster Parents, and we would like to look into becoming re-licensed as an Adoptive Home, and see if there is a baby out their that needs us...just like lil JB needed us. It has been a very trying and emotionally draining 24 hours. I am handling this well, and I think Mr. JB is too, but I feel bitter. I think it is a normal response to everything, but I have dealt with many ignorant people who don't understand adoption and why people choose to adopt children; especially those from the foster care system. I feel like our decision is right for our family, but I know I will be faced with naive ways of thinking, and I am tired of hearing people's comments. A baby is a baby, whether it is from your belly or from your heart. I just wish others at times saw it that way. People can say things they have no intentions of saying...and it come across as truly asinine. I know that our decision is good for us, and maybe someday we WILL try IUI...or even conceive a miracle baby. I just wish I could push other people's opinions out of my mind, because THAT is what makes me cry the tears I cry.

Helping out your Fertility

I was just going around, surfing the net, looking up information on naturally aiding your fertility and I came across this web site. It discusses little things we can do, such as adding vitamins to our diets, staying away from alcohol and caffeine and staying active to give our fertility a little boost. Check it out! I know I'll be using some of this advice this month ;)

Rollercoaster of a Weekend

Between Sunday and today, my emotions have been on a wicked rollercoaster ride. Of course, all related to TTC.

Let me preface this with: I've been on a work trip since Sunday. I'm going home in just a little while, which I'm happy about. I don't sleep very well when I'm away from home and Mr. Magnolia Bud, and though my hotel is nice, I'm stressed out about work while I'm away. Now, for the story...

I'm currently 12DPO, on CD27. My longest LP to date (previous longest was 9, yes 9!). As you know, I started testing at 8DPO, with negatives on 8 and 9DPO. At 10DPO, I got a faint line on an internet cheapie, and was thrilled! But I tested again at 11DPO with a FRER, and there was no second line (although still a faint line on another internet cheapie). Tested again this morning, no second line on an Equate test and an EPT test, and I'm out of internet cheapies until I get home later today. My temps are still ridiculously high and possibly triphasic (highest they've ever been in my five cycles charting, and increased again this morning), I'm still having crampy twinges on my left side, I'm bloated more than ever before (seriously, I wore an empire-waisted dress yesterday because I didn't fit into the suit pants I brought on my trip). I also have a backache intermittently, and have been insanely tired. Add creamy CM to the mix (normally a mix of sticky & creamy after O), and I may have the world's most ridiculous phantom symptoms if I'm not pg this cycle.

So...I'm trying to be patient. I went to the beach this morning for a few hours to read and walk on the beach. That helped with the patience a lot, actually.

Here's a story that might give you a laugh: This morning, on my way to the beach, I was out of pg tests. So, what did I do? What any *questionably sane* traveler would do. I PIAC from my hotel room, put a lid on the cup, drove to the Walmart that was on the way to the beach, and bought three boxes of pregnancy tests...and then tested with two brands in the parking lot. Never EVER thought I'd do that!

On that note, I need to get packed up and head for home...the land of plentiful cheap tests. Talk to you all soon!

Well, Welcome AF... so nice to see you!

Well, not completely... AF does kind of suck... but it's good to know that this was a good month, as far as "regularity" is concerned. I mean, my last cycle began on the 18th of August, and here I am on September 21st, starting anew. It's a little funky to start - a little brown and very light -but still good news for a PCOS stricken individual, such as myself. This puts me at about a 34 day cycle, and means I can officially start temping and checking my fertility signs as of tomorrow morning. This also means ::drum roll, please:: that this will officially be the first month we actively try to TTC!!!!! Yippeeeeee!!!!! I am going to talk to Mr. DBud about it some more tonight, and I have a feeling he'll be happy to hear the news :) Let's keep our fingers crossed that this doesn't turn into too much of a drawn out process, and we can conceive soon... hopefully there'll be lots of BD this month ;)

photo credit

In the meantime, I am trying to be better about what I am eating and drinking... I have noticed that it has helped a lot! Less caffeine = (more) on-time cycles. This time last year, I had no AF from August thru December. I POAS several times (about 12) and kept getting BFNs... so needless to say, I was very concerned. We were TTA but I was not on the pill because I've been trying to cleanse my body of all that BCP madness to begin the TTC prep...

I know it's a lot to ask that we get a nice BFP this cycle... and even though I know my chances are slim, I am trying to stay positive. Sometimes, when dealing with all this TTC and Fertility stuff, that's all we have... our positive attitudes!

Good luck and Baby Dust to all of you out there, and to my fellow Buds... maybe this month will be the month for many :)

Black hole? Check. Ladder? Missing.

I officially hit rock bottom. After the nurse called me yesterday, I had to pull over to the side of the road because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see and I couldn't stop. I stayed there for almost 40 minutes. It wasn't so much the news as the impact. The final straw, if you will. I finally got home where I went up to my bedroom and cried for another 2 hours while Mr. SB had little SB out running errands. When they got home, I sucked myself together and read her books, get her ready for bed and cuddled with her for a very long time. When I left her room, I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do more than going back to bed and crying more. So that's what I did. And finally fell asleep at some point. Woke up this morning to more despair and more crying and finding no joy in anything except little SB. Once she was dropped off at school, back came the black cloud.

Let's rewind a little bit. I was very psyched up this month. I was going to show infertility that it was wrong and that I was going to get pregnant before needing any further prescription treatment. Then came 2 whole days, morning noon and night, of very positive OPK's (smiley faces so there was no confusion)! Wooohooo, I rarely get that many. THIS was going to be a great month, I could tell!! Had some pretty major cramping during that time and just knew I had released a doozy of an egg. Heck, maybe two!! Because I was going to beat infertility this month. I was really going to show it who was boss here. I was going to have the last laugh.

I've had no phantom symptoms or any of my normal symptoms for the past week so naturally I took that as a sign. Oh yeah... different is good!!! No symptoms = a really good symptom!!

No. No symptoms = no ovulation.

My progesterone level was 7. The nurse said that indicated no ovulation, or at the very least, a weak ovulation and that the level would not support a pregnancy. She was happy with my estradiol level of 135... a lot of good that does me if I didn't ovulate.

I see the RE on Friday to discuss everything. I don't even know if I want to go. Let's face it, it's not going to happen. I've had two surgeries, three Clomid attempts, two RE's, a partridge, a pear tree and a broken heart.

If it wasn't for my daughter, I honestly wouldn't even get out of bed. I don't want to. I drag myself out and I make the motions of living my life but it's not me anymore. I don't think I'm ever going to be the person I was two years ago, happy, optimistic, full of joy and life. All that's left is bitter, jaded, angry and broken.

I'm just completely broken. My spirit is broken. My body is broken. My heart is broken.

And the worst part... I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like NO ONE knows how this feels. I'm tired of being told to just have faith, don't give up hope. There is no more hope. It's completely drained. Faith? Why bother... I can't have faith in something that has caused me so much pain and heartache. Perhaps I've done something to deserve all of this. *shrug* I haven't been the most perfect person. I've made mistakes.

Normally I can rebound pretty quickly and regain some optimism and trudge forward with the next cycle. Not this time. I seem to have misplaced the ladder and I can't climb out.

And I still have 9 whole days before the end of this cycle. As if the 2WW wasn't bad enough, it's even worse when you know there's no chance of being pregnant and having to wait 9 more days to get it over with.

WOW - OUCH - REALLY?

Before I dive in to the emotional rollercoaster that has been this weekend, I want to start with the good news, and that is the fact that Mr.FB's birthday party went extremely well! Close to 40 people came to celebrate with us, and it was a really good time. Mr.FB was so happy, and I was so glad to see him enjoying time with his friends and not having to worry about the job situation for one evening. It ended up being the perfect way to ring in the big 3-0.

On the other hand, aside from the party, my weekend was chaotic. I started getting sick at the end of last week, and spent the last 5 days doped up on cold medicine, with pockets full of Kleenex and cough drops. :( Being sick isn't fun no matter what, but ESPECIALLY when you work 75 hours per week, like me. Luckily I have a casual office and we are pretty much self-governed, so I was able to sneak in a short nap in lieu of a lunch break which helped a bit. I am sure that the stress isn't helping health-wise. I am always exhausted, and my stress level is high. I keep telling myself that I only need to maintain this pace for another 5 weeks, and then there will be some reprieve........although hopefully not too much reprieve, because I need to find another job after this!

Anyways, the Wow, the Ouch, and the Really, are all of course related to TTC....or lack thereof. It has been such a mix of emotions going through this waiting period. Mr.FB and I have always known that we wanted children. We have talked about it a lot. I knew that I was ready before Mr. FB, but I never wanted him to feel pressured, so I let him come to terms with when to start TTC on his own. And now, we are both SO ready, and can't do anything about it. :( I love my husband so much, and while I am so glad that he is emotionally ready for this, it makes my heart ache each time he tells me that he can't wait to see me with a pregnant belly, or that he is so excited to be a dad, or that he can't wait to see me as a mother. I want all of those things too....SO badly, but we can't have them because even after over 400 applications, my husband still does not have a job, and we are just not at a place where this is a good idea practically speaking.

This week my sister got to hear her baby's heartbeat, and she hit the 15 week mark. My friend made it to 10 weeks and got to break out the bella band. My other friend also just announced on Facebook that she is pregnant.

Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends. She was my maid of honor in my wedding. I was in her wedding. We have been friends for 10 years and have been through so much together. In fact, we even decided that we wanted to try to have our kids close together because we wanted to share that experience. And while I realize that it is silly to try to plan those things, it was fun to think about and hope for the shared experience. She asked me today whether we were going to start TTC as planned (this was going to be our month), and I told her that, no, we still had to wait, that there wasn't a job and that we were hoping for the best. Then she got choked up a bit and couldn't even look me in the eye as she told me that she is pregnant. I am SO SO happy for her, and I am so sad that she felt sad telling me her news. I love her dearly, and while it is bittersweet, I am thrilled for her.

I am hoping that someday soon I can share news of my very own. And I told my friend that it wasn't too late to still go through part of this pregnancy together.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

WTFlip Fertility Signs?!

UGH!!! I don't get any of this... I subscribed to Fertility Friend, have been reading all the charting lessons on Charting your Way to Conception, that's all great (and for those of you who are learning how to chart, and all that, I highly recommend them!). While the lessons are very clear, and easy to understand, my fertility symptoms are NOT! ::insert "PSYCHO" music now:: As someone diagnosed with PCOS, and MESSED UP cycles, I have no idea what I am feeling or going through. I had some thicker than normal CM early last week/weekend, I guess even kind of egg-white, then it got white and creamy... then dry as the dessert over the weekend, with sore boobs. I haven't entered anything in my chart yet, because I am waiting on AF so I can start a nice, fresh, chart. This way, I may be able to actually see what the HECK is going on here... ::crosses fingers::

I am waiting for my new health insurance card to come in, and as soon as it does, I am setting up an appointment with the Endocrinologist... I need to know what the FLIP is going on with my body. This is so frustrating! And the worse part about it is, I have had PCOS since I was 15 years old... No one (Doctors) ever told me to do anything else about it, except take birth control pills so that I get my period regular... now I realize that there is stuff that needs to be done! NEWS FLASH TO ME! Ugh, my moods have been so funky lately... Maybe AF will be making an appearance soon? Will keep you posted...