I've debated writing this post. I am usually not an emotional person, and do not wish to be portrayed as such. I view emotion as weakness, and for the most part, try to keep it at bay - especially in front of strangers.
However, I think it is time to come clean. I could just sit here and type to you matter of fact postings describing how crazy fertility drugs make me, but that is not the reason why I joined this blog. In my short 4 month here, I have come to see you all not as strangers, but as a supportive community. You have all shared your ups and downs with me, and I think it is time to share mine with you.
After AF decided to announce her presence (on her own this time, which is very out of character), I began Clomid cycle #3 on 100mgs of pure insanity.
This time? Was kind of anti-climatic. I was a little weepy the first night, and I continue to have a few hot flashes, but so far I have not been an emotional basket case nor have I spit my gum on the side of someones car because they cut me off in traffic (Wait, did I forget to tell you guys that story? Its probably for the best.). Basically, I have just been hanging out and FREAKING THE EFF OUT over becoming pregnant again.
I'm scared to death that if I become pregnant and lose a fourth pregnancy, it will be the one that breaks me. On the other hand, I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I get past this hurdle. I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp, and when I think that we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Not to mention how much I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down with my infertility. My poor husband - what did he do to deserve this?
Speaking of my poor husband, I think he knows more about the female reproductive system than any man ever wants to know. No man should know what EWCM is, let alone what it looks like.
So here I am, wallowing in my own pity, and moving forward without knowing if I should. However, if I always feared the unknown, I would be sitting alone, in my house, with approximately 10-15 cats (all of which I would be knitting socks for).
I think right now its best to take a chance. Because without chances, I think we all would become Crazy Cat Ladies.....and I'm not that great of a kniter anyways.
Sometimes I think we really are the same person. :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, go into each month wondering if it will be the one to push me over the edge. I'm getting dangerously close.
I did laugh at the RE's office last week when my husband was able to understand the entire discussion and know what all the acronyms stand for. I was quite proud of him.
I was terrified of the next step (injects) but once I sat down and heard all the details straight from my RE (and not Dr. Google) and saw the costs in black & white, the fear was greatly lessened.
I hope this is the cycle for you. *hugs*
I am thinking about you and praying this is the cycle for you!!!! I giggled about your hubby knowing what EWCM is and what it looks like...mine does too. we are in this together!!!! Never forget that!
ReplyDeleteGL SB. I know what you mean about your hubby knowing waaay more than a man should ever know. When we first started seeing an RE & met with our Dr. my poor hubby was so lost as my RE & I went over the details of the female reproductive cycle & what not. Sending prayers that this cycle brings you your sticky baby! GL sweetie. :)
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