Motherhood

Let me be completely honest here. Being pregnant and the mother of a toddler is hard. I've been lucky enough so far to have a relatively easy pregnancy so far. Yes, I had morning sickness for the first half, but I rarely actually threw up. Once I hit the 18-20 week mark I've felt pretty good. The most negative aspect of pregnancy until recently had been that I failed my one hour glucose test two weeks ago. (I did manage to pass my 3 hour test, but man was I crabby to have to take that!) Now that I've hit the third trimester the real fun has begun. (If you don't to hear me whine, feel free to skip to the next paragraph.) Since I've finally started to put on the baby weight, I've started to have back pain. It has become increasingly worse this week since I've been sitting in the most uncomfortable folder chairs ever in training all day, everyday this week. Tomorrow is the last day of training, so I'm hoping the lack of extreme sitting will help my poor body. To make life even more fun, I've also been waking up with leg cramps. Two nights ago, it was so bad that they woke me up at 4am. I've increased the amount of calcium and potassium, so hopefully these should lessen. I get heartburn from everything (or even nothing). And since I'm sleeping less, I have very little patience for naughty toddler behavior. But, after one of the moms in our preschool class lost her baby at around 34weeks, I try to remind myself whenever I get crabby about being pregnant about how lucky I truly am to be pregnant. In less than 12 weeks, I'll (hopefully) have a beautiful baby boy to snuggle.

Where do we go from here?

Extremely emotional appointment with the RE today. He did a SHG to follow up on the HSG that I had on Monday.

He found a very large polyp almost immediately. Even my untrained eye saw it instantly. It was very clear on the screen. He said it was approximately 3cm and needs to be surgically removed.

The cysts are still there and haven't shrunk at all so he wants to have those removed as well.

My right tube is definitely blocked on the outside. Because of this, he said my risk of ectopic pregnancy rises and he recommends going straight to IVF.

Unfortunately, I don't know how we'll afford IVF.

I feel like we've reached a wall that I can't break down or go around. I left the doctor's office and sat in the car and just sobbed and sobbed. Big, loud, heaving sobs. Somehow I made it through the day at work with breaks to go in the bathroom and cry.

And as if that bad news wasn't bad enough.... I got a big box of Enfamil samples in the mail today. Grrrrr.

I've done such a horrible job..

At updating each week. So here are some photos so you can see the progression of my belly from


15 Weeks

16 Weeks

17 Weeks





18 Weeks

18.5 Weeks


Look at my belly grow! So exciting. I can't believe to this day I have a baby growing in there. Its simply amazing. I ask him/her everyday to give me a sign what him/her is. Yeah I get nothing.

Things have finally been easing up. I haven't thrown up in about 4 days. Yay! That's so awesome. Saturday night I threw up some french fries. I think my baby really enjoys eating healthy food. I have been having this vegetable kick. I love corn on the cob and green beans. Really I could eat them every day. And I guess thats a good thing right?

I also know love bananas. Yum! Most fruit I love. I still can't eat chicken. YUCK! But do love breakfast sausage and pork. I have never wanted more breakfast sausage in my life. This poor kid is going to come out wanting a McDonald's Sasuage McMuffin. At least they are only a dollar? But geez the fat is ridiculous. You have to eat what your cravings want right?

I do also love a Pepsi every now and then. I can't believe this. Its not like I didn't like Pepsi before but I can't tell you the last time I drank a real Pepsi before I got pregnant. It had to be years ago.

Sno cones are also on the top of my favorite things. So yummy and so nice and cold and refreshing. I haven't really had any in the middle of the night cravings. I do every now and then have a want for something like candy at night but I just go to bed instead of telling Mr. OB to go to the store to get me some. I can usually fight it with water.

Sleep is beginning to be interesting. I tend to wake up every time I turn to the side. I don't know if its me making sure I don't roll over on my stomach or what.

We did a 5K this weekend. Yep this little old pregnant woman ran/walked a 5K. Who says a pregnant woman can't run? Seriously I loved it. I think my little baby did also. After working out he/she is always moving.

Oh I forgot to tell you about the flutters. I guess about at 16 weeks I felt the first one. It felt like the little one was tickling me on the inside. Its a very interesting feeling that makes me smile every time I feel it. I can't wait until I get to feel the first kick or punch.

On the nursery front we have been busy. We bought this set yesterday:



We bought the crib, the hutch and the 6 drawer dresser. We are also going to get a night stand, a glider (Any ideas on a good one) and some bookshelves.

Looks like one of the big purchases (of the many) are done. We still need to get the stroller, carseat, glider, and a video monitor. So much fun stuff to do!

My next update should be telling you whether its a boy or a girl. What do you think? Leave me a comment! I can't wait to find out

34 weeks and counting down!

I think in my last post, Baby Hopeful Bud and I had been referred to a specialist because a sonogram had detected some fluid on her kidneys. Well we went to the specialist and the first thing he says after walking into the room is "looks like you are here because of fluid on the kidney and fluid on the right ventricle (brain)." WHAT?!!! Nothing was ever mentioned to me about fluid on the brain so of course I start crying. Mr. Hopeful Bud was so good and immediately grabbed my hand and told me everything would be okay. I laid down on the table and he started the sonogram. Luckily he went straight to the brain and we quickly ruled out any fluid build-up on the brain. I was over the moon! I don't know how I would have handled finding out that there was fluid there. I was all prepared for fluid on the kidneys, what that meant, what we could do after she was born, etc. Because I knew nothing of this new possibility, I was not prepared at all. Then he looked at the kidneys. The right one measured 5 mm - PERFECT. The left one measured 7 mm -- ABNORMAL. 7mm and above is considered abnormal, so she still has a little bit of fluid build-up in one kidney. The good news is, that her amniotic fluid level is great, so we know that her right kidney is functioning properly. The doctor said that fluid on the kidney is a slight indicator of Downs Syndrome, which I knew because I was prepared. However, he did all the measurements and checked all the markers such as an enlarged heart and unproportional shoulders and Baby HB had not markers for Downs. The doctor said the only 100% way of knowing would be to have an amniocentesis, which I very quickly denied. Now we just have to wait until week 36 for a follow-up Phase 2 sonogram. If her kidney is still enlarged then we will contact her pediatrician so that he can be made aware of her condition at birth. My hope and prayer is that the issue works it's self out, either between now and the next sonogram or while she is squeezing through the birth canal. Worst case scenario, and since it's only slightly abnormal I don't think this is the case, is that she has one functioning kidney. People live with one kidney every day.

Other happenings in the life of Baby HB -- we have had all of our showers, so I think we might be getting closer to being ready for her arrival. Tonight we have a BabyCare Basics class. Not sure what it all entails, but I'm sure Mr. HB and I will learn a lot. She is moving so much now that I am starting to get very uncomfortable. At one point last week I was like "get this baby out of me I'm in so much pain", but I quickly took that back since she needs to "bake" a few more weeks. My EDD is in 6 weeks, but I have a feeling she will not be waiting that long. My Braxton Hicks contractions are getting more frequent and uncomfortable. Baby HB has to be running out of room as every time she moves even slightly it hurts me. She has started either punching with her fist or head my cervix, which let me tell you doesn't feel so wonderfully. Oh and she gets the hiccups at least five times a day.

As much as I complain, I love being pregnant and I know I will miss her being in my belly after she is born. Plus after she is born, I won't be able to use getting an ice cream cone from DQ as an excuse to cure my terrible heartburn.

I hope this post finds you all well and happy.
Stay hopeful!

The Red Witch

AF showed, again.

TTC has defeated me. It seems like no matter what we do, I am not going to be able to get pregnant without medical assistance. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Mr. Sassy Bud still has not gotten his S/A. I know the available appointment times are very inconvenient for him and his work schedule, but if he really wanted to get it done, he would make time. I am not going to force this on him. He was the original proponent of us beginning to TTC so I know it is not because he doesn't want children. I really feel that I have gone through enough so far between the charting, bloodwork, u/s, and HSG. It's his turn now.

So, I guess that leaves us at a standstill. I have stopped charting for now, there really is no point. I know that I'm ovulating, I know approximately when I O and how long my LP is if I need to give that information to a RE at some point. I've done all that I can.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24-May 1 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). NIAW is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility, which affects more then 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States. I am one of them. Please take time to learn more about the struggle those of us have to endure to have families. (Taken from the Resolve website)

photo credit

Thank you for all the support you have given to me. I really do appreciate it.

I'm not out to more than a handful of people in real life. I would be, but my husband would definitely not go for it. I respect his wishes.

But if anyone who is on facebook wants to follow suit, some of the stronger girls I know on the infertility forum on The Bump are putting the following statements in their status updates for the coming week.

If you have infertility, or know someone who does, spread the word.

1) Infertility is not limited to women. Infertility is not all in your head. Infertility is not limited to unhealthy people. Infertility is not limited to older couples. Infertility is not going to go away if you just “relax & go on vacation.” Adopting will also not take infertility away like Charlotte on Sex and the City.

2) Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. resolve.org/takecharge

3) More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility.

Or you can make up your own!

This is an awesome blog about infertility etiquette and awareness from the bump. I hope you'll take the time to read it.

1 in 8 IS someone you know. Spread the word.

Scariest day of my life...

It's amazing how attached you can become to something about the size of a large lime. Today, I am 12w1d pregnant & so thankful. But, Friday morning, during our routine 12 week appointment (I was actually 11w6d), Baby Worry Bud scared the bejesus out of me & Mr. WB. Let me start where my last post left off...

I have been doing well, not worrying so much about Baby WB. Just having faith that all is going well in there. We haven't had a real appointment since the final one with my RE at 7w6d. At that point, the Drs. were saying everything with the baby looked perfect & they were comfortable releasing me to my regular OB. By then, Baby WB looked like this:


As directed, I stopped my Endometrin (progesterone) & Estradiol (estrogen) supplements at 10 weeks. I was so scared that my baby would still need them, but my RE assured me that it would be fine. So, I stopped them...and all seemed well. No unusual cramping, no bleeding. Mr. WB & I went along with our lives as normal, started some spring cleaning around the house, did some yard work, and even went to Lowes to pick up some paint samples for Baby WB's nursery. I'll likely paint the room the same color regardless of the baby's sex. I even found out that one of my co-workers is also pregnant - only about a week & a half ahead of me! My symptoms continued to be pretty minimal - extreme fatigue, slight twisting/stretching/occasional quick stabbing pain in my ute area, shooting pain starting in my left butt cheek & going down to my leg, slightly sore breasts, larger breasts, seemingly swollen ute area, sore hips. I did experience nausea, but never actually threw up & that worried me only a little, since I have read that not all pregnant women experience that symptom. Since I have never been pregnant, I was just trying to go with the flow & not worry too much unless something alarming happened.

So, along comes our 2nd OB appointment this past Friday, April 23, 2010. I was just a little nervous, we were supposed to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time on that day! We had seen it on our previous ultrasounds, but had never heard it. I have read so many mama's accounts of the first time hearing that beautiful whooshing sound & had been looking forward to hearing it too. So, I was finally called back...Mr. Worry Bud was directed to go back to the exam room. The nurse took my blood pressure, got a urine sample & took my weight (which I think was about 3 lbs. off from my scale at home that I know is pretty accurate - I think she was just in a rush). Then she took me back to the exam room. The nurse practitioner (NP) - who I normally see for my annual pap smears - was handling my appointment that morning; she came & grabbed us & we went to her office to talk for a bit. After that, she did my annual pap, felt my uterus & agreed that it was enlarged normally for being almost 12 weeks. Well, then the "fun part" - listening with the Doppler for the baby's h/b!!! She put the gel on the prob, then put the probe on my ute area & started moving it around. She tried for about 5-8 min in all different areas & couldn't find it. Nothing. Panic mode set in. She said sometimes it happens, but that at this point in my pregnancy, we should be able to hear the h/b. She said she didn't want me worrying all weekend, so she would send me downstairs (to a imaging/radiology office my OB uses) to get a u/s. As soon as she left the room, I started weeping & Mr. WB tried to tell me that everything would be fine, that the baby was doing great & was just hiding. Although he seemed so sure, I knew he was freaking out a little in his own mind.

So, we went downstairs & the very nice front desk guy told us that since we didn't have an appointment, we could be waiting up to 2 hours to get in, but that he'd try & get us in ASAP. We decided we'd wait (versus coming back later that afternoon)...I don't think I could really function doing anything else until we knew what was going on with our LO anyway. So, I sat in the waiting room, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed - prayed that our baby was okay & was just hiding somehow from the Doppler, prayed that we'd get in to see him/her ASAP. About 40 min later, both of my prayers were answered. We got called in! The u/s tech said that she'd do both a tummy & trans-vag u/s, but that she'd start with the tummy. I grabbed Mr. WB's hand. As soon as she put the probe on, I recognized the gestational sac & our baby. It wasn't moving & I knew that it should be by this point, but after about 3 seconds, s/he started wiggling around & dancing for us!! I was so relieved, I started "ugly" crying. I told the tech everything that we had gone thru to get to this point & we were just so happy Baby WB was doing good. I even saw Mr. WB let out a sigh of relief! I asked why she thought the NP at my OB wasn't able to find the h/b with the Doppler, and she told me she couldn't say for sure, but it may have been because the baby was towards the back of my uterus. The Dr. at that office came in to follow up with us & told me that the baby was measuring normally; he told me, "Don't worry, be happy," that our baby looked "perfect." And without further adieu, here is a bonus peek at Baby WB at 11w6d:

Little bugger - I think he knew mommy wanted another peek at him, but I had a talk with him after the u/s was done & told him never ever to scare me like that again!

Isn't s/he so beautiful & perfect?! We feel so blessed that everything turned out okay. I know all too well in speaking with other women who battled IF that it was not a for sure thing that the baby would be okay. But s/he was, and we thank God for that. After those traumatic few hours, I even got Mr. WB to agree to let me buy a rocker I want for the baby's nursery! We are going to go look at a few options today. :)

Oh & I mentioned this in my previous post, but I started taking "bump" pics starting at 4 weeks & that I'd post them start posting them here at 12 weeks. My Dr. agrees that my uterus has grown above my pelvic cavity as it should by this point, so technically, I think I am showing a little bit. I started wearing maternity jeans last week & they are glorious. I got my normal jean size & bought this pair in two different washes from Old Navy. I also bought these real waist pants for work from ON in all 3 colors - and I highly recommend both! I'm a long way from needing shirts, but I am so happy I moved on to the pants - so comfy! So anywho, here is a comparison of my "bump" at 5 weeks vs. 12 weeks:


Thanks for reading if you got this far! I promise to get better on updating more often. Work has been crazy & I have actually been in training for the last week or so. Hopefully everything will calm down soon, but I doubt it since we are about to enter the busiest time of year in my field - third & fourth quarters. My NT Scan is this Friday, April 30, 2010 & we are praying that everything looks good at that u/s with Baby WB. Thank you so much for all the continued T&P that our little WB continues to grow big & strong & healthy!

Started Lupron... Loved Date Night

So I met with Dr. B on Wednesday and I got my official FET calender. I started Lupron yesterday and I am so thankful Freedom Fertility Pharmacy covered all of my meds including my Lovenox! I will take Lupron for a week and then start my Delestrogen injections to prepare my lining for the transfer.

Photography Credit

On a funny note, I recently saw Date Night with Tina Fey & Steve Carell and it was hilarious. With all of the stress TTC can bring it was good to just go out and get a good laugh.

Photography Credit

My next appointment with Dr. B is on Friday where Nurse S will show me how to give myself the Delestrogen shots since they are intramuscular ouch!

Until Next Time,

7w1d.... another chance to see smudge....

...and, smudge looks good.

She's 7w1d today. Her heartbeat was 158. She measured 7.9mm, which is almost double last week (4mm), and is measuring at 6w5d. The RE says that's perfectly normal.

My RE said that much like when the baby is born, and gets measured against a growth percentile chart, there's a "growth chart" for in utero as well and the baby has to measure within a week of the actual dates. So we're right on track. He said her heartbeat is perfect.

All told... things look good. He tried to kick me out today - but I suckered one more u/s out of him next week. I told him that he can't tell me the miscarriage risk drops to 5% at 8 weeks and not see me at 8 weeks.

In other news, I also talked to my RE about how an RN would break into the field of IF (i'm miserable at my job, and have been job hunting for quite awhile. Mr. DB and I have been talking about this possibility for about 6 months). He said that he might be looking for a new nurse soon (i know one of his LPNs left suddenly, and they're not thrilled with her replacement) ... i'm not going to hold my breath... but at least I opened a door.

Other news from the u/s: no obvious cysts, so we'll chalk up the weird left sided cramping to growing pains for now. No changes in the fibroid and the second sac is still resolving.

Pregnancy symptoms: I'm still peeing every 5 minutes, which is REALLY cutting into sleeping, but that's okay. At least I know I'm pregnant, right? Occasional nausea, and some dizziness... but I think between the Vitamin B6 that I'm taking and the acu are keeping the worst of the morning sickness at bay.

Diminshed Ovarian Reserve

Yikes. That's what we are possibly facing. It sounds so ominous.

My FSH came back at 10.2 which the nurse said indicates possible diminished ovarian reserve.

I didn't even cry this time when I got the news. I think I'm just numb to bad news now.

So.... we meet with the RE again in 2 weeks. Two days after my ultrasound to see if my cysts are gone. By then, he'll have all my other bloodwork back, including my AMH to see where we go from here.

The nurse was fairly certain a Clomid/IUI cycle was out. She's not certain about an injectable/IUI cycle but feels strongly that he's going to steer us towards IVF.

We can only afford ONE shot at IVF so we'll really need to sit down and discuss what are best chances are... with my shoddy eggs or with donor eggs.

Little Sunflower Bud was pretty clued in to how upset I was feeling and asked if she could cuddle with me. I jumped all over that because she rarely wants to cuddle now! Of course she then patted my tummy and told me it was getting bigger. Oh how I wish, baby girl.

Waiting to O -- CM confusion

Nothing too big to report; I am currently waiting to O, which is probably 7 days away. At times, I think waiting to O is worse than the 2ww. Everything is out of your control. If your body decides to surprise you and O early, you can easily miss what you are so desperately waiting for. The lack of control is what I hate. No matter how well I eat or drink my green tea, I cannot make my body O when it is convenient for Mr. PB and myself. Well it looks like we may be busy this weekend and early next week, just in time for my masters' thesis defense, great!

As I am waiting to O, I am looking closely at my CM and am realizing just how much my body loves to play with me. A few days ago, my CM was clearly sticky except for one little strand of stretchy white mucus. Come on, what is that supposed to mean? One little sliver of my body is fertile? Yesterday is very wet with a small bit of tacky mucus thrown in. Is this some kind of funny joke? How confused can I make Planner Bud? After 6 cycles of charting, you would think I would be able to pick the various types out with no thought. Not so.

Oh well, since I got what I believe was wet CM last night, Mr PB and I decided to BD every other night until we get a positive OPK. Mr. PB has the whole week planned and seems very much on board this month. So maybe the fourth time will be the charm. I will keep you posted!

Another 2WW

It looks like I actually O'd again this cycle. I'm not sure that my CH's are correct, but here's my chart:

Since my LP's have been 9-10 days in the months I've actually O'd, FF is telling me to test on Thursday, 2 days from now. I think I'll wait til this weekend to actually test, I just don't have the urge to do so yet. I think that I'm worn out from all the BFN's, procedures, wasted cycles, etc.

I'll update after I decide to test.

~Sassy Bud

And the hits just keep on coming

I just got back from our CD3 baselining appointment with the RE. Not great.

My lining is a 6, which she said is good for CD3.

But...

She found 2 small cysts on my left ovary that she's not "too" concerned about right now. And 1 large cyst on my right ovary that she said is borderline the size where they prefer not to medicate for that cycle. She said from the shape of it, she believes it's the cyst that ruptured but it's still there.

She also found another fibroid. She said this one is smaller and is in the muscle under my lining but it was very clear to her as soon as she was in there. They are going to monitor it and see what it does but won't worry about it too much right now.

Sooooo. We are waiting for the bloodwork to come back this afternoon with my hormone levels to evaluate the cysts. They are going to decide what to do this cycle when those results come back. If they aren't good, we will have to do birth control pills for 2 weeks to try to shrink the cysts, definitely no Clomid and put the IUI off until next cycle.

If the bloodwork is fine and the RE feels confident going forward (he understands we are self pay and want optimal conditions for the IUI) with the IUI, then they will discuss the HCG shot and send over a prescription for it to the pharmacy. She already gave me the Clomid script for 100mg and an antibiotic prescription for myself and DH.

Sigh. I feel like it's just one obstacle after another.

Hello 3rd- Tri :)

Well as of yesterday I officially entered the 3rd trimester and as of today I'm officially 7 months pregnant.

Wow.

I really can't believe I'm here.
In about 90 days, I'll be meeting my son.
Sometimes that thought is really hard to wrap my mind around. I'm sure it will only be made more surreal once he's born and they put him on top of me for the first time. I can't think about it without crying.

Needless to say, as the day gets closer Mr. LB and I get more and more excited. Our baby shower is less than a month away at this point and we're really excited about having our family and friends come together all in celebration of our little boy. This little boy that we've wanted for so long. I'm especially looking forward to the arrival of my Grandmother and Aunt. My grandmother raised me and my Aunt has become like a mother to me. They'll be here a few days before the shower and are staying 2 days after to help get Baby LB's room ready.

On the pregnancy front all remains well :) I've had a crappy cold for over a week now and have objected to taking any medicine but I think I will finally give in. I have this terrible cough that has been kicking my butt for the last 6 days and I can't take it anymore. Mr. LB will be picking me up Robitussin on the way home.
Next week is my 28 week appt. and my GD test. I'm hoping and praying I'll pass it. Next week also begins my Bi-weekly appointments and I'm thinking there may hopefully be another ultrasound again soon ::crosses fingers:: I know my OB's office does the 3D/4D u/s just not sure when.
Mr. LB and I are debating what kind of birthing class to take and I'm debating on taking the BF'ing course. We also need to nail down a pedi for Baby LB. We were going to use my childhood pedi who still practices but I hear that her office is always super busy and a mommy friend was waiting there for 2 hours one day :\ My OB's office recommended someone so we may check her out.
So many little things to do!!

Thanks for reading my little update! Hopefully by next week they will have change the carpet in this nursery and I can share some pictures!

After all this time....

Almost 2 years of TTC, Countless Cycles, Devastating Diagnosis, Rivers of Tears and Two IVF cycles....

.... Have led me to you....

That's my baby smudge.

We had our 1st ultrasound yesterday at 6w1d. Our baby is measuring perfectly. We saw a perfect heartbeat and were able to hear it.

It was so surreal.

Dr Z saw a second sac, a lost twin. As bittersweet as that should be, i'm okay. I knew somehow, and had even commented to someone the other day that I felt like there had been two, and that one had been lost. It's really weird to be right about that - but I think, however I knew that, it helped me work through it before I even saw the u/s. I think that's why I've been so nervous the past week or so. Why i've been looking up everything I can about blighted ovum and things like that. Because I knew it was happening. And I was able to work through it before I saw it on the u/s.

I also asked Dr Z to check my fibroids. There's now only 1 and it's nowhere near the baby. Dr Z has no concerns about the fibroid affecting the pregnancy at all.

Meanwhile, we're absolutely thrilled about our little smudge... please keep thinking about us. The next 2 weeks are really important. We'll go back for another u/s in one week, and then again the following week.

I love you baby smudge.

Had our first appointment with the RE

I chose a practice that seemed tailor made for us. They have an office 5 minutes from where I work and also an office 10 minutes from where I live. Considering I work an hour away from where I live, I was pretty impressed with this! We are able to go back and forth between offices freely because both doctors in the practice visit both offices regularly. They are also open 7 days a week and have extended/late hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I was fully prepared to go in with my guns blazing demanding aggressive treatment. Dr. M was amazingly thorough and detailed. And, blessedly, aggressive. I didn't even need to lay out on the table what I wanted because it was what he immediately suggested.

We're going straight to IUI. We will do one cycle on 100mg of Clomid with IUI.

Photo Credit

Photo Credit

I'm nervous, excited and scared. This month will cost us a little over $2,000. Insurance doesn't cover anything infertility related so we're on our own with the costs. I honestly can't believe we've reached the point where we are paying thousands of dollars to have a baby but we just so badly want to expand our family. We were able to afford to pay for this cycle outright but anything past this, we're going to need to investigate financial options. Our RE's office told us about a program called www.carecredit.com which is a line of credit specifically for health care costs.

So let's hope this cycle works! I'm terrified at how I will feel if it doesn't. I hate how jaded I've become because I already feel like I'm preparing myself for disappointment.

Let the Sun shine down

You’re never alone in a sea of sunflowers. I’m Sunflower Bud and my favorite flower is the sunflower. You very rarely see a lone sunflower growing alone. You most often see a whole sea of them supporting each other. Always facing the sun and reaching for it with all their might. Basking in the warmth and brightness. Hoping. Always hoping.

I’m a 33 year old mother to the most wonderful 2 year old in the world. She’s bright and caring and funny and beautiful and wise beyond her years. She’s everything I could ever want in a child and so much more. Because of how blessed we are to have such a child, naturally we want more!

We have been TTC our second child since March 2009. Since our daughter wasn’t planned, I naively thought our second would be just as easy. I was wrong. Very wrong. After 9 months of charting and seeing that I was ovulating normally but not having any other fertile signs, I went to my OB/GYN. She looked over my charts and agreed that I “should” have gotten pregnant by now. She ran the usual gamut of tests and everything came back normal. She assumed that while I was ovulating normally, perhaps my eggs weren’t the best quality. So onward to Clomid! I responded QUITE well to 50mg of Clomid. My progesterone levels jumped to 45 and 55 both months I took Clomid. Yay! She was positive I was releasing more than 1 egg. So why wasn’t I getting pregnant?

Next up came the SHG. I had already had an HSG a few months before my daughter was conceived (long long long story involving an ex-husband and a different chapter in my life) due to trouble conceiving and it was crystal clear (and VERY painful!). The SHG, on the other hand, painless. Just some discomfort from the insertion of the speculum but I encounter that when I get my PAP so it wasn’t much different. Dr. L immediately saw a massive fibroid that was taking up approximately 75% of my uterus. So out it needed to come! I went in for a hysteroscopic myomectomy to have it removed. While in there, she was surprised that she didn’t immediately see the fibroid considering it’s size. It was covered by a lot of scar tissue that was spider webbed all across my uterus! She believes that the fibroid was there, but very small, when I had my c-section and the sweep that the OB/GYN did to make sure the placenta was out, caused the scar tissue to form over the fibroid. Meanwhile, the fibroid just continued to grow in size underneath all the scar tissue over the next 2 years. She equated my ability to implant as “trying to climb the Himalayas and find a nice soft grassy patch to land in…. or basically impossible.”

Here we are 2 months later and I am moving on to an RE and seeing where we can go from here.

Like the sunflower, I know I am not alone. I am just one in a sea of them… being supported…. Hoping…. Reaching.

Oh Boy (s)!

Baby Daisy bud is a boy. While we are thrilled to be having a healthy little boy, I will admit that I was feeling slightly disappointed at first that it was not a girl. Mainly over the fact that we really don't need to buy much of anything for this little guy. I was really looking forward to picking out all kinds of cute girls rompers and jammies. Now that I've gotten used to the idea of having another little boy, Little Daisy Bud #1 and I picked out a few new outfits for his little brother. Mr. Daisy Bud and I also decided on a name for our little bud. We are planning on calling him Jackson Curtis. It's funny because this was on my list of potential names for little Daisy Bud #1 and I'm pretty sure Mr. Daisy Bud hated it then. There's something about having a name for him that just makes him so much more real.
And since I'm usually pretty bad about adding pictures, here is a 26 week bump shot.

Planning for a baby – An introduction

Let me start by giving you a little background on Mr. Planner Bud and myself. My roommate and her boyfriend set us up in July of 2007, because they were both sick of us complaining about the horrible people we were dating. We moved in together in June 2008 and were married in August 2009.

We knew quickly that we were right for each other and often talked about having children very soon after getting married. Mr. Planner Bud had really wanted me to get pregnant before our wedding, but we agreed to wait until the spring of 2010 to begin TTC. This plan didn’t last very long; during our honeymoon, we decided we wanted to start as soon as possible and have a family by the end of 2010. However we ended up having to wait until January of 2010 because Mr. Planner Bud’s job was hit by the bad economy and it took him a while to find a new one.

Even though we couldn’t begin TTC, I began charting and realized I had a shorter LP (about t 10-11 days), so I began taking B6 daily with my prenatal to try to make it a little longer. When we starting TTC in January, I was sure I would be pregnant right away and began planning my summer. I let my friend know that there was a good chance I would be visibly pregnant at her July wedding, and I researched all the things I would have to stay away from during our anniversary trip to Disney in August. However, cycle 1 came and went with no BFP. I was heartbroken, but figured a couple cycle was fine. I just completed cycle 3, and even though both Mr. Planner Bud and me were sick at some point during the cycle, it was still hard to have AF arrive.

As we continue this journey I am trying to keep the positives in mind. My LP was 12 days this month, even though I spotted on day 12. I am getting closer to being able to ride all the rides at Disney. I have twelve more months to plan for my 2011 baby.

What a ride!!!

Wow... that's all I have to say. I haven't had much time since my last post to update my Bloomin' Babies fans... remember me - Glow Bud???? :)

**DISCLAIMER** - this post may be long!!! Last I wrote I was still up in the air as to what route we were going to take in meeting little Baby GB.

Well, I was still pretty indecisive up until the last day but we scheduled the induction for the night of the 28th. In the meantime I did all I would with the old wives tales they suggest to induce labor: nightly walks, sexy time, spicy foods, eating pineapple, castor oil.... ok no... just kidding!

No such luck.

So Mr. GB and I took advantage of our last night "alone" together and went out Sat night to dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant and we had a blast. We didn't really talk about the baby much but just enjoyed each others company. Then we came home and just watched a movie, it was very nice. Sunday came and we just spent all day around the house. Not really doing much but trying to keep busy and get stuff done and be as prepared as possible. It was a weird feeling that day knowing we'd be parents in less than 24 hours!!! Around 7:30pm we packed up our bags in the car and headed off to the hospital.

We checked in and the wasted no time getting things going, we were escorted within minutes to room 2040 (Mr. GB's baseball and football jersey numbers from high school!!!). They got me into my gown and hooked up to the monitors for my contractions and for Baby GB's heartbeat - surprisingly I was already contracting pretty regularly and I was dilated to 1cm and 40% effaced... progress and all on my own!!! Then the nurse put in the 1st round of Cervadil, gave me an Ambien and told me to "get some rest." Ya right. The Cervadil was doing its job... All night my contractions were about 2-5 minutes apart and getting consistently stronger. I didn't sleep a wink. Mr. GB on the other hand slept for hours on the couch, waking a few times to see how I was and what he could do. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything but to wait.

Around 9am, our new nurse came in to meet us and to start me on Pitocin and Penicillin (because I tested positive for Group B Strep) and shortly after Dr. C stopped in to see how I was. At that time I was dilated to 3cm (I can't recall how effaced I was?!) - more progress though. Thank goodness! The nurses kept asking me to judge my pain on a scale of 1-10... I kept thinking... well, I don't know how bad this is going to get!!! So I think I kept underestimating and telling them 4 or 5... when now I look back I should have been saying 7 or 8.

Within an hour I was in so much pain from the contractions that I was already considering getting the epidural but wanted to hold out as long as possible. I think it was around 11am I finally caved and asked for it and within 15 minutes the anesthesiologist was up in my room getting it all started. Mr. GB was a rock holding my hands while they worked and within 3 contractions they were finished and I was laying back starting to feel the effects of it.

I don't care what anyone says... the epidural was FABULOUS! :)

After that my mom and sister came in and I could actually hold a conversation and we'd watch the contractions on the monitor and I couldn't feel a thing! Around 1pm Dr. C came in to check me again and to her (and my!) surprise I was dilated to 7cm! At that point she broke my water and that's when I got REALLY nervous cause she said we'd have our boy in the next few hours! Those next few hours were kind of a blur, we didn't do much except hang out in my room watching TV and chatting.

Around 3:30pm I was checked again and the nurse let me know she was going to call Dr. C and let her know that I was fully dilated to 10cm and it was time to start pushing... eeeek! I was really worried about Mr. GB cause he told me from the beginning that he didn't think he'd be able to watch or even help hold my leg. Well, that went out the window cause the nurse didn't give him a chance to decline and by 30 minutes in he was watching the whole thing. I also had said I didn't want anyone in the room except Mr. GB and the nurses while I was pushing but that went out the window as well when my mom poked her head in mid-push to see how I was... so I told her and my sister to come on in! So... all you girls on my favorite message board - there you have it... YOU WERE RIGHT! :)

For the next two hours Mr. GB, my mom and my nurse coached me as I pushed and slowly started to feel my epidural wear off. There was a point right before Dr. C came in that I really thought I wasn't going to be able to do it. And once she got there everything was a blur cause I was so worn out and in so much pain. I remember her telling me that she'd need to do an episiotomy and that I'd need to push with all I had the next few pushes because Baby GB's heart rate had dropped and we needed to get him out. Two pushes later and Baby GB was here at 5:49pm - 6 lbs 14 oz - 18 1/2 inches. Dr. C asked if either Mr. GB or my mom wanted to cut the cord - neither wanted to, so as soon as she did it they took Baby GB over the the warmer to check him out since his heart rate had dropped so low right before delivery. Mr. GB was right by his side and I remember thinking he looked so proud!

He came over to me and gave me the BIGGEST hug and told me how proud he was of me and how great I did. Oh and that he loved me of course :)

For the next 1/2 hour as Dr. C stitched me up, all I could do is lay there and shake from the adrenaline. I FINALLY got to hold my sweet little boy as they told me that his breathing was very erratic and that he took in a lot of fluid during delivery so they would need to take him upstairs to the NICU for monitoring for a few hours. So after only a few minutes with him, off he went with Mr. GB. I don't think I really knew what was going on at that point cause I was so out of it because I didn't cry, which is really unlike me.

In the meantime, they moved me to another room where we'd spend the night to get settled and wait for Mr. GB to come back with my little boy. After about an hour Mr. GB came to our new room and said he was going to bring me food and then we'd go up to see our little man because he wasn't going to be spending the night with us - he was on oxygen and would need to be monitored for the night.

Once we got upstairs he was sleeping so peaceful but I got to hold him and the nurse tried to help me nurse him - he wasn't too interested though and we needed some sleep as well so we went back down to our room to do our best to again "get some rest." I think Mr. GB set his alarm to go back up and see him around 3am but was back in bed shortly after.

The next morning, the nurses came in to check me and remove my IV's so I could be more mobile. I took a shower and ate some breakfast and then headed up to see my baby again. This time we met with the doctor who was taking care of Baby GB - he informed us that his chest x-ray had shown possible signs of infection and that they started him on antibiotics through an IV. We wouldn't know for 3 days the outcome but likely the NICU would be his home for 5-7 days... possibly 10-14 days. :(

I spent that whole day between my room and the NICU and I also met with a lactation specialist who hooked me up with a hospital grade pump to hopefully help bring in my milk and to supplement what Baby GB was getting through his IV. While I was spending time with him I was clueless as to what I needed to be doing. The nurses filtered in and out in 12 hour shifts and some seemed to take charge while others just let me do my thing - which was hard as there were 3 monitors hooked to him at all times beeping and just being in the way of holding my sweet boy.

The next day I was discharged from the hospital and I have to say that was the HARDEST day of my life. Going home alone. Alone without my baby that had been with me 24/7 for the last 9 months. Also, Mr. GB had to go back to work to get his mind off things and my mom and my sister hit the road to go back home since they couldn't do much in the way of helping me out my first week with baby. So, for the next week, it was back and forth from our house to the hospital. I tried to spend as much time as possible with him and Mr. GB would go back with me every night after work to see our little man. It was so hard to leave him every night but the hospital had a policy that you could not sleep by his bedside :(

I think it must have been about mid-week that we got the news that Baby GB would be able to come home with us on Easter Sunday. It was an awesome homecoming and we are so happy to be settling in.

It only took me a week to get this birth story done! haha **woot**woot** I'm sure I missed a ton but that's the gist of it... Hopefully in the coming weeks I'll still be able to blog through Bloomin' Babies but I can't promise how much I'll be around. I've got a few things left in me before I throw in the towel but I have to say blogging for BB has been a great experience for me and I'm so glad to have been given the opportunity to do so!!!

Let the fun begin...

I'm happy to report that we got a BFP this weekend! I had a light 2nd line on a FRER Saturday morning at 12dpo, then confirmed with a FRER digital Sunday morning at 13dpo. DH and I are both over the moon! It was my 9th cycle off BCP - a long and rocky road with the sweetest ever ending!

As you might remember from my recent post, at the beginning of March we got a less-than-ideal sperm analysis report, showing only 3% normal morphology. We kicked into gear right away, cutting out alcohol and supplementing with Pycogenol (for DH) and Pom juice for both of us. I never expected it to happen so quickly, and had totally prepped myself to wait the 3 months it takes for sperm to regenerate. I have no idea if these "home remedies" did anything, or if it was just luck. Let's hope this little jingle baby is a sticky one!

For those who are interested, here are the symptoms I had in this 2ww. I'm only listing the ones that I didn't experience before, because in my 9 mos. TTC, I had many, many fakeouts:

• Single-boob soreness started at 4dpo - other boob felt fine
• Clear implantation dip at 7dpo
• Started feeling really fatigued at 7dpo
• Cramps also at 7dpo that went away
• Increased appetite at 8 dpo
• Woke up with a headache every day since 10dpo, which continues
• By 12dpo both boobs were swollen and very sore, even to the touch, continues

Since it's still only Sunday night, I haven't called my doc yet, but FF gives me an EDD of 12.20.10, which is a day before the 5-year anniversary of our engagement. DH told me this morning at breakfast that when he first woke up today, he felt as giddy as he did the morning after he proposed to me. He is going to be the best dad, I'm swooning already!

Lots of Updates

I'm sorry its been a while since I updated everyone. I was sort of waiting to see if things progressed before getting too committed to being excited. Its a bittersweet feeling to always have that impending what if question in the back of your mind.

The last time I wrote, my HCG was 299, it jumped to 1288! So they're not doing hCG draws anymore, but unfortunately I am now having to get Progesterone Injections three times a week because my Pro went from 15 to 13 to 10.3. This had me SO worried before our first u/s appointment this week because low progesterone probably contributed to our loss.

Well, we went to the u/s and of course I was a nervous wreck. We ended up having to wait 45 minutes after my appointment to get in. They were really busy. We got in, they took us to the room that I deemed "D-Day" (where we found out Angeline hadn't had a heartbeat)... and almost instantly we saw the little flicker on the screen. Well... it was really hard for me to see but Mr MB saw it instantly. Our little one had a heartbeat of 97 bpm!!

Doc said thats a little on the slow side, but because I was measuring 6w2d (I thought I was 6w5d) I probably implanted a little later so it was right on track.

As of now, I'm just praying that at my 8 week appointment the heartbeat is still there, first of all, and secondly that it's a little faster. My due date got changed to November 28th.

Unfortunately, in my personal life my grandma is on her death bed in California. She's been fighting a very rare stomach cancer for two years and all of the steroids they had her on trying to figure out a treatment plan gave her lesions and sores over her entire body. They got that under control and we thought she was improving and all of a sudden she had a massive amount of internal bleeding. She's on morphine for pain, and she's ready to go. She promised to watch over the baby and I for the rest of our blessed lives. This will be the first loss in the family I've ever experienced (and at 25, I'm pretty lucky!) so it's been extra hard.

After we finish telling our parents, I'll share our reveal stories! Hope everyone had a happy Easter!

15 Weeks

So Obsessive Bud is 15 weeks! Awesome! Not much has been going on since last week. I have been looking at nursery stuff and decided to copy a fellow bud, Love Bud, because I loved her bedding!
The bedding for a boy is.. drum roll please!

And for a girl

We are super excited to find out exactly what we are having boy or girl. We really go back and forth on what I'm baking. I really think its a boy, then I don't want to press my luck and think its a girl. Yeah so WHO really knows?

We also decided on a stroller and carseat. After reading an awesome book, Baby Bargains, I highly highly highly recommend it! We did some research and found the best stroller for our activities as well as the safest easiest carseat.
This City Mini Jogging stroller with a pram attachment in black. Also comes with carseat attachment

We are choosing between two carseats
The Graco SnugRide


Or the Maxi Cosi

The only other thing I have settled on is a pack and play



So I guess you can say, I have been a little busy! HA! We are so excited. I can't believe this is finally happening. So amazing!

I feel like my morning sickness is getting a little better but now that I say that I bet I will lose my lunch. Its how the cookie crumbles.

I did have some major cramping and it freaked.me.out. So freaking scary! I called the doctor and apparently its pretty normal. The cramping is really strange. It isn't constant just on the side every now and then. Apparently its my uterus and round ligament pain. Just my uterus making room for little jelly bean! Very scary especially when you get some contraction like pains after sex. EEK!

No real new cravings have hit. I am on a fruit kick. Mmm and I really want a virgin pina colada!

Our next appointment is on Thursday and I'm going to ask my doctor about drinking in the hospital during labor and walking around. Also going to ask him about a pap smear I need to have since I have had cryotherapy and also have my cervix checked out again.

Hopefully we will schedule the big U/S the week following and in a couple of weeks I will know if I'm carrying Olivia or Jack! We can't wait!

9 weeks, 6 days!

Hey there everyone! I apologize for being so MIA lately - I have been sooo busy @ work; I'm going to training for two weeks at the end of this month, so that has made me even more busy. Besides that, I haven't had too much going on Baby Worry Bud-wise. I did have my first OB appointment last Wednesday & it was pretty uneventful - they just went over some Dos & Don'ts of pregnancy, took my weight (up about 4 lbs since starting IVF...eek), asked a few questions, allowed me to ask any I had, gave me some literature on some optional testing I could have done, as well as some general pregnancy, took blood & urine for some testing. All my tests came back clear & I found out that my blood type is B+....no, I never knew that, lol.

My next OB appt. is on Friday, April 23rd - and that'll be a "fun" one - we get to hear the baby's h/b with the Doppler!! I'm so excited about that b/c we have never heard Baby WB's h/b (only seen it) & that'll also be our last appt. before we enter the second trimester! Even though, I know that after you see the baby's h/b that the chances of miscarriage go down to like 2-5%, but I'm still nervous. Can't help it I guess - it's in my nature to worry. But, I just continue to pray that everything with Baby WB continues to go well & that s/he continues to grow, big, strong & healthy.

Photo Credit

As far as the optional tests, we will likely do the u/s called the nuchal translucency (NT) scan (which examines the baby's skin folds behind the neck) although I am considered relatively low risk for Downs Syndrome, but it's an extra u/s & my insurance will likely cover it 100% (I'll check on that first) & it carries essentially no risk to the baby since it's just an u/s & I think maybe some b/w. My OB routinely only orders just one u/s at about 18-20 weeks & that mid-late June for me! I don't know if I can wait THAT long to see Baby WB again. I kinda wish my RE didn't release until 10-12 weeks, sigh. At this point, we don't plan on doing any other optional testing b/c many of the tests come with risks to the baby - small risks, but I don't want to do anything that could potentially cause harm to the baby or the pregnancy.

As far as symptoms -they are on & off. I still get pretty intense, but very short-lived stabbing/twisting pain in my ute area & I have had this really sharp pain in my butt that radiates down to my leg on my left side. I spoke to the nurse at my OB office & she said it sounds normal. That unless it sticks around for several hours or becomes excruciating, then it's normal to have pains here & there since your body is going through lots of changes. I feel nauseous sometimes, but only when I don't eat often enough, but I haven't thrown up yet, woot! I have gained weight in my mid-section area & have started wearing belly bands with my pants that are a little too tight & they have been working really well for me. I got the exact ones (in black and white) pictured above from Etsy seller RunSystem63 - she has awesome prices...I got two for the price of one Target brand Be Band. Also, Old Navy was having an awesome sale this week, so I got some maternity hidden waistband work slacks in a few colors & some low-rise jeans in a dark wash. I'm a long way from needing the shirts, but my pants are getting pretty tight. If all continues to go well with Baby WB, I'll start posting regular "bump" pics starting at 12 or 13 weeks. I have been taking them since 4 weeks, when we found out I was pregnant, b/c I have this awesome pregnancy journal, called "The Belly Book" by Amy Krouse! It chronicles your pregnancy & belleh thru out your 40+ weeks of pregnancy. It actually starts with week 1, which is a little pointless since you aren't even pregnant by then, so the first 3 weeks are blank in mine.

In GREAT news - we got paid out from our FSA for the $10K we put in, so we paid off that portion of our IVF loan, which takes a huge financial pressure off of us. We are saving about $250 a month in loan payments, holler...all of which will likely go towards saving for stuff we'll need for the baby. The room in our house (the guest room) where the nursery will be is on my spring cleaning list - we need to dispose of or Freecycle the mattress & bed rails, get rid of my old desk, clean out the closet & put in a closet organization system (it's a teeny tiny closet), clear out all the other clutter in the room (it currently holds all of our important papers, my crafts, etc). I can't wait to find out the sex of the baby & get started for real on a nursery! That's all I got for now, hopefully work will calm down & I'll be able to post more often again. Thanks as always for all the continued T&P for baby WB...it means so much to me & Mr. WB!