I've been riding this TTC roller coaster for 3 years now. Mr. Bossy & I are becoming accustomed to disappointment. It's hard knowing that my worst fear has come true: Infertility.
Recently, I felt like I was sucker-punched. My little brother (by 3 years) married his fiance in July of this year. They had been together for 2 years. His wife (who is 22) had mentioned to me in June that she couldn't wait to start a family. I wanted to tell her to slow down and enjoy life (she had just graduated from college for goodness sake!), but I REALLY wanted her to wait until Mr. Bossy & I had started our own family first. I mean, I'm the oldest and I've been married longer. Shouldn't I provide my parents with their first grandchild?
I got the phone call in late August (one month after they were married). My brother and I are not that close. He only lives 30 minutes away, but we don't EVER chat on the phone. We'll occasionally phone each other when there is something important to discuss. I knew right away by the way he was keeping me on the phone that there was something else he had to say. Then came the words I was dreading- "J's pregnant!" A honeymoon baby! He said it was a "surprise." I tried my hardest to act excited, but I'm pretty sure I didn't. I hung up the phone and cried.
I know that it wasn't done to hurt me, but I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I realize that everywhere around the world, people become pregnant unexpectedly. But this felt different- I had to look at it every time I logged onto Facebook (I've since hidden their posts) and see her bump every time the family got together. I thought our prayers had finally been answered when Mr. Bossy & I discovered a month later that we had a little one coming also! Imagine our heartbreak when we were told a month later that our baby didn't have a heartbeat.
My brother and J found out the sex of their baby the day after my d & c. Perfect timing. And to top it all off- the family is getting together this afternoon to celebrate J's birthday. I've been down-right nasty to Mr. Bossy this entire weekend, and it's not even his fault! Where is our silver lining? When will it be our turn?
I promise this will be my last depressing post for a while. I just needed to vent, and I know that this is a place where others will understand.
Bossy Bud
Oh, Bossy... My heart goes out to you! You know we are all in the same boat. I CONSTANTLY hear of others announcing "unexpected" and planned pregnancies left and right, and it doesn't make our journey any easier. The constant comments, the looks, etc. only make it harder. I wish I could say something to make it better, but we all know, too well, how difficult IF can be. One of two things ends up happening: the couple finally gets their take home baby, or they accept their lives with IF. I HOPE AND PRAY you get your take home baby soon. In the meantime, we are here for you!!!!! Stay strong :)
ReplyDeleteOh Bossy, I am so sorry that you have to go through that! I honestly know how you feel (my BF announced her pregnancy - PLANNED - 1 month after my MC. So I had look at it and hear everyday at work. I hurt beyond words (and I still haven't gotten over it) that she consciously tried to get preggers so soon after my heartache. Since then, she has had her baby girl and I've had another MC.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, Bossy, and don't lose faith. God puts the biggest strains on those He believes are the strongest. You and Mr. BB are in my heart and prayers. Much love and strength to you both!
I just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is perfectly fine. Do not feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing to act excited for your brother, but I also know the tears that come after.
In the past two years I have had four miscarriages. And because most of my friends were having their "baby boom" as well, some of my due dates were around theirs. It wasn't easy.
But don't lose hope. I felt so defeated after m/c #4 and felt like I was never going to be able to carry my own child. But as I sit here and type this, I am 14 weeks pregnant, something I never thought possible. I believe great things come to those who wait, and that you will have your take home baby soon.
Take care of yourself and know that we are thinking and rooting for you.
Ladies, tears are streaming down my face as I read your words of encouragement. It brings me much hope knowing that each of you are rooting for us! Know that I pray that your wishes come true also!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I don't think it ever gets easier hearing family and friends getting KU without a thought about it. Having to pretend you are soo trilled by their news is rough and sometimes you can only hang in for a few minutes. I am sorry for your loss and I hope that you will have a healthy pregnancy soon and can feel some happiness again!!!
ReplyDelete