Golden Birthday

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Today I turn the big 31 on the 31st and am loving planning. I love the "idea" of a fun decked out party but am never creative enough to actually pull it off. This year I drug my sister along to help me shop and we went with the Gold theme with the number 31 everywhere. I will post pictures when it is all set up. Also, since I have been off sugar I have given myself the day to binge on all my favorite treats that I am giving up except for the very, very rare occasion ie., my birthday!! This is the run down of my day. In the morning we are getting doughnuts, then breakfast at the best restaurant up the mountain at a cute ski resort called Sundance, they have the best food ever!! Then off for pedicures, dropping my cute niece off at her first day of Kindergarten, eating a chimichanga for lunch, then snow cones and Dippin Dots, then pizza for dinner and finally cake, cupcakes, ice cream, cream puffs, cotton candy and Serendipity's frozen hot chocolate!! Yes I know I will probably not be able to eat all this but I have got to at least give it a try and I will most likely feel ill for a few days afterwards but when you are giving up sugar sometimes you need a little binge, or in my case a huge one!!

I thought this would also be a good time to write about my Fertility story since at 31 was I had expected to have at least two or three children not zero!! In reading "Unsung Lullabies" they talk about writing out your Fertility Story and your spouse do the same to realize what our expectations were for a family from a child and now. Then you would compare and gain insight on your spouses feelings and dreams. So here goes mine.

I have always wanted a family and envisioned when I was little that I would graduate college first, then get married and wait a few years to have kids. Mind you, I was thinking about getting married around 21 and starting having kids at 25. I wanted to have either three or five children because I am the middle of five kids and wanted to have a middle child as well. You know someone who you would relate to the most. I wanted to have all boys and had dreamed of being out rough housing with them, riding bikes, playing ball and running around playing cops and robbers with my kids. I was going to be the cool mom that got out there and loved playing with their kids and spent a lot of time with them. I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was in my mid thirties so I wouldn't be "old" while raising them and then could travel and do fun things when they were adults as well(Remember I was still young and thought 30 was really old and I would probably never reach that age).

Pretty much my original plan has to be scrapped since I got married at 26, waited to start trying for a year or two and found out that between Mr. Explorer Bud and I we had a less than 1% chance of conceiving the old fashioned way. Now I am just desperate to have "a" child let alone three or five! I will be well past my mid thirties before I am done having children or trying to have children, as the case may very well be. I worry I will be a tired mom that doesn't have the energy to play with my children when they do come around or I will have a bunch of early twenty year-olds to hang out with and have play dates when I finally have a child. I know sounds pretty trivial while I am writing this but just being honest about some of the silly, bitter thoughts I have at times. Overall, I am hopeful that one day we will get pregnant and stay pregnant and have a wonderful little bundle of joy but man does waiting around hoping and praying just sometimes suck!!! So this year on my Golden Birthday I am going to ignore what I don't have and desperately want which nobody can give me and enjoy the friends and family and fun things that I can have/do.