I am alive :)

Hello all! How is everyone doing? I am doing great, Little PB&J Bud and I just got back from a trip to San Francisco. We had a blast but we are happy to be home. I took a charting break but I am hoping I made it home in time for O, which I am not sure if I did or not. Only time will tell. Argh, traveling only intensifies the stress of TTC!

Speaking of traveling........I travel a lot. I am a SAHM and I am very fortunate in that I have no restrictions of when I can travel (ie - no vacation time issues). Mr. PB&J is a Border Patrol Agent which means we live in rural Texas, by the border and far from family. I really dislike the town we live in (it's a dump) but it has been our home for the last 8 years and will continue to be our home for at least a few more years. Any opportunity I get I try to travel back to Florida to visit family. Both my parents and my ILs live in Orlando and I like to visit them every 4 to 6 weeks. Unfortunately Mr. PB&J Bud doesn't get to accompany us on most of our trips so booking travel around potential O dates can be stressful, especially when I don't O consistently on the same CD. A few cycles we have had bad timing because we were both in two different cities. Which has lead to a few breakdowns by myself.

And speaking of stress........I think over the last 6 months I have REALLY become obsessed with TTC. I have Googled every aspect of TTC that I thought could have pertained to me and in turn I have made myself one big stress ball. Not to mention the stress I put myself though with my POAS addiction. I was really causing myself unnecessary stress. I recently surpassed the one year TTC mark and I think with that I accepted defeat. Not defeat in that I will never get pregnant, but defeat in the sense that no matter how much research I do or how many sticks I pee on, the outcome will still be the same. I can't keep putting myself through the same heartache cycle after cycle. It's exhausting and it's not healthy.

Lately I have been trying to keep myself busy. I have redirected my attention to my old hobby of mine, photography and I feel a sense of relief. No longer do I dream about pregnancy or miscarriage. No longer are my thoughts consumed with TTC. I mean, I still chart, use OPKs, and have sex as often as I can but TTC is not ruling my life anymore. I try not to let myself become overwhelmed with my emotions but instead I just stick to the basics. I feel more sane because of it and a better wife and mother.

So that folks, is an explaination on why I haven't been posting more often. But stay tuned, I have a confession to make in my next post!!

.........don't you hate when bloggers do that?!?!........

PB&J Bud :)