Some Things Change You

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I wanted to get these feelings out there. I figure by doing so, perhaps someone else who has experienced similar will feel some comfort in not being alone.

Once you've beaten the odds to lose a pregnancy, once you've become one of the 'others' that such things happen to...it changes you. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. You know what it feels like to have a miscarriage. You know what its like to have your dreams come crashing down around you. To feel like you've failed everyone, especially your child. You know what its like to feel more broken than you ever imagined. You know what the dreaded cramps and bleeding combo are like, or maybe you know what to expect with a D&C. You might even know what its like to lay on the u/s table and have the tech look at you with sad eyes and tell you the baby is not alive. The heartbreak is something that is indescribable.

It changes how TTC feels too, at least it did for me. Getting AF was hard before, but after the loss it was a stake through the heart. It was like hitting reset, sending me back to zero...when I was supposed to be at 8 or 12 (or however many) weeks. Every time she showed up it was another glaring reminder of what I'd lost.

And then I got pregnant again. I had no idea how scary those first 6 weeks would be (my loss was at 5+). I had thought that if I could just get pregnant again that things would be fine. The mix of excitement, fear, anxiety and hope in those first few weeks is palpable. Its eased some since the symptoms started to settle in a little more, but its still there. I find myself being somewhat detached from this pregnancy. I'm trying to enjoy it and take it all in, but I honestly don't believe yet that I might actually have a baby in my arms come October. When I discuss it in real life, its usually "If this one sticks..." or "If we're lucky enough to have this work out..". Always with the IF. I realize its a protective mechanism. I want this pregnancy to work out more than anything. I even say a little prayer each night that the little bugger is growing healthy and strong and thanking it for staying put for one more day.

I haven't grieved much for my loss in a few months. Been caught up with TTC and then with being pregnant. I had a moment this past week where it really hit me though. I was walking the dog and was feeling pretty good for the first time in weeks and the thought occurred to me that I was getting into the homestretch of 1st Tri. Then it hit me, my loss EDD and my current EDD are almost exactly a trimester apart. If I'm nearing the end of 1st Tri with this pregnancy, my previous pregnancy would have been approaching 3rd Tri. I'd be feeling the kicking and know if it were boy or girl. Cue waterworks.

I've also had a spotting scare this past week. One involving bright red blood and my pacing around the bathroom while hyperventilating and saying, "No, no, no! This can't be happening. Not again." Scared just doesn't do that moment justice. Thankfully the spotting soon tapered off to brown and involved no cramping. At this point, its being attributed to my cervix being irritated the evening before. In the moment though, I was having flashbacks to November. Last time blood that red meant really bad things.