Losing Hope at 10 DPO

This morning I awoke to pure excitement thinking today would be THE day. Today would be the day my life would change forever. Today would be the day I would get that BFP I have deperately wishing for. I hopped out of bed at 5:00 AM knowing that it was finally an acceptable time to test. I had only been counting down the hours since the morning before. I had woken up at 2 AM but I decided to get a few more hours of sleep and let my HCG hormones build up. I had also fought back the urge to test at 8 PM the night before during a moment of weakness. I quietly slipped in the bathroom, being sure not to wake a sleeping Mr. PB&J and grabbed a HPT. I took a deep breath as I tore open the packaging with a mix of emotions playing through my head. I waited in pure agony as the result window was washed over with urine.

::Nothing. Nothing. Test line. Hmm. Where's the result line? Why is it not showing up? Don't lose hope. Maybe it just hasn't been enough time. You are only 10 DPO, your HCG levels are still week, if at all present::

While I am looming over the bathroom counter starring at test results I have seen all too often, and hoping that when the three minute window has lapsed I will see two glorious lines, I get a glimpse of my bathroom trash. At first I laugh. Holy fuck, I am only 10 DPO. Haha. I'm pathetic.

But then another emotion creeps in. Saddness. Sadness for the $30 of test I have wasted in the last three days. I feel like a junkie. And I feel sadness for the hope I have lost with each negative test. Not just the hope I'd lost over the last three days but the hope I'd lost over the last year. Every month my bathroom trash can shows a similar picture. And a years worth of sadness boils over and I start to tear up.

Today I am having a hard time accepting the failures over the last year. This one year mark is a tough pill to swollow. While I know it would be foolish to say this cycle is a bust I just can't believe I am here. 1 full year of TTC and nothing to show for it. Depression is not something I am accustomed to. But each month, around 10 DPO, my hope turns to despair. I'm an optimist and TTC is beginning to change that.

I just want to get these next few days over with so I can move on. Move on to another cycle (or pregnancy.......not likely) and a new attitude. Like I said I am an optimist at heart and somehow, someway my hope is renewed with each cycle day 1. If I lose hope, then what? But maybe that iswhy I crash so hard come 10 DPO? But I can't lose hope....

**Side Note - I do typically use internet cheapies to support my POAS habit. Just this cycle I ran out and my only option was to buy a box (or two) of HPTs from Wal-Mart. Well, ok, that really that wasn't my only option. My other option would have been NOT to test. But that's not gonna happen. I just don't want any of you to think financially irresponsible as well lacking in self control. I do have limits :P**

PB&J Bud :)