Call me Debbie Downer Bud

I just noticed that my last post was wedged between a joyous birth and 3 optimistic & excited Buds.

Ugh. Really sorry to be the Debbie Downer of the bunch. Infertility is no fun and I'm sorry I'm never the bearer of good news.

Well for what it's worth, I went in for my beta test this morning, which seems pointless considering I already stopped all my meds (so sue me!) but I suppose we need to make the BFN official. The good news is that I had a chat with their very sweet receptionist and she gave me a thick stack of all my records so that I can get a second opinion at a competing clinic. And when I got home, I made an appointment with their top doctor for January 5th, a week from today.

It's such a relief to get some fresh eyes and ideas involved with minimal wait. I will probably go to the appointment alone--Mr. GB gets all kinds of confused and stressed out at these things, and to make matters worse, the clinic is right next door to the MFM clinic where we had our terrible ultrasound. Being married to Mr. Sensitive definitely has its downsides. Better to fly solo on this one.

And in case you were wondering, I busted into that big envelope and looked through all the records. Did you know they keep notes on every call and every appointment? There were records of all my surgeries, all my ultrasounds, and all the embryo reports. I found nothing surprising or disturbing (fortunately I already knew the karyotyping results of our baby otherwise that would've been a surprise). I can't make any sense out of the embryology reports, which is the only thing I am remotely curious about. But anyway, I'm content to hand off those papers and never look at them again. Good riddance.

I also made an appointment today to get my overdue physical. I love my primary care physician--she's young and hip and not at all the lecturing type. I'm kind of excited to see her because I have a laundry list of items to ask her about: I need a tetanus shot, and I'm going to ask her about going back on Lipitor for awhile--I've been off of it for 3 years while TTC and I'm sure my cholesterol is sky high. I'm also going to get some more acne medication and maybe some fancy folic acid/B12 vitamins. It'll be nice to talk to a doctor about health issues that aren't aren't about pregnancy (or lack thereof). And it'll be nice to go to a doctor and have the appointment paid for. I forget what that's like.

So it's not all gloom and doom here. I'm actually feeling pretty good, all things considered. I see us approaching the end of TTC road in 2011, and we are going to have to pick a new path. I think Mr. GB is a little bit in denial and has put off a conversation about next steps, but ultimately he wants a baby, too. Puppies and rainbows and miracles don't seem to be working. Maybe adoption is our only choice. Maybe surrogacy. Maybe a new clinic & some vaginal Viagra will help my lining. Who knows.

Golden Bud