Contingency Plan

I'm not sure why, but after writing this post, I feel like it may be a bit...umm....controversial, perhaps. Who knows? You be the judge, I suppose.

December marks the beginning of our ninth month TTC.

Only our fourth cycle, but our ninth month.

This blows my mind. I was positive, when we started trying, that, due to my historically long cycles, it might take us a month or two longer than I might like. But I knew, I just knew that I would have a baby by June. When I filled out my husbands FAFSA and it asked how many people would be in our household by June 2011, I actually put three.

Don't judge me.

The point is, I am becoming painfully aware of how close we are to the year mark, and the unofficial but still flashing-in-neon "diagnosis" of "infertile". I say "diagnosis" because I won't be headed to an RE when if the year mark hits.

Mr. Cherry Bud and I decided, early in our TTC journey, when we were faced with the "To Clomid or not to Clomid" decision, that fertility drugs weren't the road for us.

Let me stop for a moment and mention that I think modern medicine is a wonderful thing. I have seen so many beautiful, perfect babies born through the miracle of modern fertility treatment, and I see nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing wrong with it. Nothing. And I repeat, nothing. It simply is not the right choice for us.

So, at the one year mark, we will begin to save money, and, when it becomes financially feasible, we will begin the international adoption process. My heart has been drawn toward and broken over the children in Ethiopia, so that is where we will probably be looking to adopt.

I have told my parents, who know we are trying, about this "contingency plan" of sorts. My mother is convinced we will be pregnant any day now, so it's pointless talking to her about it, and my father gave me the "but there are American children who need love". And let me say this, because I know, if we choose to adopt, we will hear it A LOT.

There are people in this world who are meant to adopt. Some, like our very own June Bud, have found their families by adopting domestically, and some are meant to adopt internationally. Some are meant to do both. All I can say is that, if we get to the year mark, we are part of the group that is meant to adopt internationally. I have done research on both methods. Thought and prayer has gone into the decision, and we know.

Part of me is dreading getting to the year mark and not feeling my future little one kicking inside me. Another part is the part that is scouring adoption websites and blogs, wondering if my baby is halfway around the world, not even born yet, not even the same race or nationality as me, but still mine.

Feeling thoughtful,