#3

So, this was supposed to be the post where I was all ZOMG, SQUUUEEEEE, EEEEEEE!!!!!%^&!!! And I was going to post this picture:

Because I was pregnant. Please keep in mind here the key operative word here is "was." I was pregnant for technically 5 weeks, but was told my pregnancy would not make it on 13 DPO.

First Beta was 21, Progesterone 20 on 11 DPO. Second Beta was 24, Progesterone 18 on 13 DPO. Not good numbers at all. I was told to expect a heavy period the next week when my Progesterone dropped to zero.

Mr. SB and I packed up our things on Friday night and set out for the vacation we had previously planned with our family. We expected the worst, but hoped for the best.

The only worse thing other than a miscarriage is waiting to know if you are going to have a miscarriage. I wanted to think positive, but I wouldn't let myself considering my track record.

On the day when I would have been 5 weeks pregnant, I started to cramp and eventually started to bleed. I bled so bad that I couldn't even make it to the beach for 2 days.

And then, for the third time in the past year, it was over almost as soon as it began.

Ya, I was an emotional mess for a few hours, but I eventually pulled my shit together, and became extremely. effing. frustrated.

I want to know why this keeps happening to me. I have had the preliminary tests run by my old OB (RH, Lupus, etc.), but they have all come back negative. My saline sonogram showed positive results. After I ovulated I cut back on caffeine, stopped drinking and I took my prenatal vitamins everyday. Right now, I am at a loss. Obviously there is something TREMENDOUSLY wrong but no one knows what that is. I'm sick of being heart broken, I'm sick of freaking the hell out every time I am pregnant (I went to the bathroom about 20-30 times a day to see if I was bleeding. Yes, I understand this did not help things, but until you have had 3 lost pregnancies, you won't understand) and I'm sick of feeling like a complete and utter failure.

What is wrong with me?

My gut (no pun intended) is this has something to do with my weight. I have never been skinny. With my first pregnancy, I was heavy, but not as heavy as I am now. I have gained 30 lbs since my wedding due to stress (losing my job, my father being diagnosed with cancer, 1st miscarriage, 2nd miscarriage, losing another job). And right now? I feel like going all slamhog in my kitchen and self medicating with a bottle of White Zif like I have for the past year. But I refuse to treat myself like shit anymore.

Today I started Weight Watchers. Its a start. I will be going to a nutritionist to start a new, healthy lifestyle. I have been so obsessed and preoccupied with having a baby for the past year and a half that I think I forgot about myself somewhere along the way.

Right now I'm at a crossroads. Do I keep on trying, or do I give myself a break to heal - both physically and mentally? I'm not sure. I have an appointment with my RE on Wednesday and I suppose Mr. SB and I will go from there.

Updates to come.