Time to put on my big girl panties...

WARNING - this may be a LONG post, with lots of jumbled up thoughts, but I am just putting it all out there.

I know it's been a while since my last post, but not too much has been going on with the Worry Buds - just getting ready to host our first married Thanksgiving at our house this year. That alone has been keeping me VERY busy to say the least & then add in the renovation of our master bath and I'm sure you can understand why I have been MIA. I have been feeling optimistic lately - my cycles seem to be normalizing (even think I may have O'd yesterday - on CD 13!!) & all of my tests were coming back perfectly normal. I was just truckin' along, that is...until yesterday - November 24, 2009. Yesterday my whole world was turned upside down with one phone call.

I was sitting at my desk at work checking the voicemail I had missed while away from my desk & I saw my RE clinic name pop up on the caller ID as an incoming phone call on the other line, so I switched over. It was Dr. G. He never calls to deliver results, usually it's my nurse, Jane. But, then again, I have only been working with them for just about a month, so maybe this was normal?? This is how the conversation went:

Dr. G: "How are you today?"
WB: "I'm great & you?"
Dr. G: "Good...so, I'm calling b/c we got back you husband's S/A results."
WB: "Mmmmhmm"
Dr. G: " And we identified some problems."
::heart drops::

Without going into the specific counts & percentages, etc. - I may later, but I'm just not ready to do so at this time - we have a problem...major problem. I didn't even know how to think/act/feel at that moment. It has seriously been my biggest fear ever since learning about Dandelion Bud's story. In all honesty, I did not want to be honest with myself. I knew it was possible that there could be a problem - I knew years ago when my serious boyfriend at the time (now Mr. Worry Bud) told me he had undergone emergency surgery on his testicles when he was a senior in high school. At the time, he told me it could be difficult for him to have children, that it was possible, and I heard him, but I just didn't think it would be a problem if we ever got to the that point. I wasn't even thinking about kids then. I was an undergrad in college for goodness sake. Who thinks about kids at that time in life?

Fast forward about 4 years later to after we are married & when we start TTC & I notice that I'm having short LP issues. I suggest going in to see an RE, who, as a matter of routine, tests my husband's sperm in addition to looking in to my problem. And come to find out, I am perfectly fine (at least seems that way from the tests so far), but there is a issue with my husband's sperm. Let me back up a bit here - when you are preparing for your first RE visit, they send you a big packet with a lot of paper work to fill out. During the course of us filling out said paper work, I finally discovered exactly what Mr. WB had gone through. I had never really asked too many questions about the surgery before. Frankly, I did not ever really think it would be a huge concern for us & Mr. WB was a little sensitive about the topic, so I just pushed - no forced - it to the back of my mind. He had undergone surgery for testicular torsion.
Here is an illustration of his condition at the time; the picture below shows one normal testicle (left) & one of a torsed testicle (right):

Photo Credit

The condition requires emergency surgery in order to prevent a loss of the effected testicle. It is extremely painful. In Mr. WB's case the effected testicle was "saved", but I am assuming got damaged somehow. What I don't get is why it has caused problems now - if only one testicle was effected, and he has two, and you only need one normal testicle to make a baby, then why isn't the other one functioning as it should? All questions we will be discussing with my RE & most likely, a urologist at some point.

So where do we go from here? The RE said that they would like to do a repeat S/A, and do some hormonal testing on Mr. WB to make sure that the results weren't due to a fluke/bad day & that there are no underlying hormonal issues. However, Dr. G seems to think that the problem was caused by the surgery. He also said that we will most likely need to pursue a more aggressive treatment than he originally thought - possibly IVF. Ugh. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of IVF. It flat out scares the bejesus out of me - the emotional toll, the cost, the physical toll, the shots, taking BCPs again to gear up for an IVF cycle, etc. etc. Ugh again. I didn't cry & I haven't yet....I am trying to be strong for my husband. This is devastating news for us both, but truly devastating to him - he wants to be a daddy more than anything & I wish I could just wave a magic wand & fix this, but I can't.

There is a possibility that the second S/A could show that there is nothing wrong, but I doubt it. I am only 26 years old - I never imagined having to deal with anything this earth shattering at such a young age & in our first year of marriage. I don't know what to do or how to feel, but I know I need to do SOMETHING to occupy myself. Yesterday, I ordered some books about infertility that I will be reading to familiarize myself more with my new reality. I also already follow several blogs of women who have gone through IVF, plus of course Dandelion Bud is a friend. I am trying to learn as much about all of this as possible. I am going to make a list of questions for the RE when we meet again with him on December 18th, but I am holding off on considering us "diagnosed" with MFI until we have our follow up appointment with Dr. G. I am looking into different insurance options that are available to me (thankfully, it's open season at my job & there are no exclusions for pre-existing conditions for our health care options). We will talk to the Dr. about counseling & see if he thinks we should be talking this out with someone. My biggest concern right now is with my husband - I know he feels horrible & I have been telling him that it's not his fault - and it's not. Sometimes life hands you lemons & I truly do believe that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. If that is true, I hope that this is it - I don't think I can handle anything else, but I guess He knows best. Please keep us in your prayers - I will update as much as possible. I feel like I just got on a roller coaster that I don't want to ride. Please, please let me off.