October 21, 2009

Aging, Infertile and Generally Feeling Bad about Myself

So, I'm 34 today.

Yesterday, I opened a little pink package, and popped a pill.

http://www.healthsquare.com/common/images/o/ORG02611_53581_5.JPG

BCPs. Ugh. I don't think prior to yesterday I ever read the list of side effects before. These sumbitches are scary.

Drugs.com lists the following as possible side effects of BCPs:

* sudden numbness or weakness, especially on one side of the body;
* sudden headache, confusion, problems with vision, speech, or balance;
* chest pain or heavy feeling, pain spreading to the arm or shoulder, nausea, sweating, general ill feeling;
* a change in the pattern or severity of migraine headaches;
* nausea, stomach pain, low fever, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes);
* swelling in your hands, ankles, or feet;
* a breast lump; or
* symptoms of depression (sleep problems, weakness, mood changes).

Less serious side effects may include:
* mild nausea, vomiting, bloating, stomach cramps;
* breast pain, tenderness, or swelling;
* freckles or darkening of facial skin;
* increased hair growth, loss of scalp hair;
* changes in weight or appetite;
* problems with contact lenses;
* vaginal itching or discharge;
* changes in your menstrual periods, decreased sex drive; or
* headache, nervousness, dizziness, tired feeling.

I just can't believe I'm back on BCPs.
I know it's for a good reason, and it's getting me closer to my goal of IVF and getting pregnant - but it's still really sad for me. Just like putting the BBT in a drawer and turning off the daily 5am alarm that reminds me to temp. It's been replaced by a 9am alarm that tells me to take my pill.

It's just a reminder that for the next 2 months, I will not get pregnant.


Don't get me wrong.... i'm PSYCHED to cycle. I know IVF offers us the best shot we have of conceiving. But knowing without a doubt that we won't get pregnant makes me sad.


Don't tell DH, but it has squashed my sex drive like a bug.


We've had sex plenty of times when I wasn't fertile in the last 12 cycles of TTC. But now ... i don't know, it just feels different.


I wonder if 2 pills is enough for me to start feeling side effects. I'd love for my low libido and depression for the last 36 hours to simply be a side effect of the pill, and not really in my head.

But I doubt it.

I need something to snap me out of this.

Ladies?


4 comments:

  1. Isn't it scary that we took that pill for so long with all those side effects? Keep reminding yourself that this is getting you closer to baby.

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  2. How about a nice weekend stay at a hotel close to home? Just an idea. I know that right now all you want is a baby and I am so sorry it has been so hard on you. I hope that this all works out for the best and that your depression and lack of libido is a side-effect. Remember to take care of yourself and talk to someone. Even if it means a counselor of some type. Best of luck!

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  3. Taking BCP's has so far been one of the most frustrating parts of the process for me. Even more so was that I was taking them after my HSG (and they say you're extra fertile the 2-3 months following.
    I mean really, how much more counter productive can you get?
    I totally understand the plumet in sex drive having to go on BCP. The same thing happened to me.
    Just hang in there ::hug:: and remind yourself it's all for the greater good in the end.

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