So this is what happens when you make plans...my birth story

I had so many plans. Plans to have final lunch dates with girlfriends & co-workers. Plans to do some final baby shopping & some final tidying up around the house. Plans to enjoy the final few weeks of my pregnancy with Mr. Worry Bud. Plans to attend a close friend's bachlorette party on October 16th (they went on a wine tour earlier in the day & were gonna do pizza & movies at the bride's house, so I was gonna attend that part). We also had a final baby shower being thrown for us by Mr. WB's co-workers on October 21st. And I even volunteered to act as team leader for my boss who is going out of town for the last couple of weeks in October...we had just talked about it on the morning of Wednesday, October 13th & he asked if I was sure since the time I was volunteering to act on his behalf was only literally days from my due date. I was SO sure I told him..."there's no way Baby Worry Bud is coming before the end of October," I said. And that very same night my water broke & the next day, our little girl arrived!

Now that I've been a mommy for a little over 2 weeks now & things are starting to settle down just a little bit, I decided to finally sit down & write out my full birth story. This is gonna be LONG & very detailed {meaning TMI, reader discretion is advised} because I want to have the whole thing documented for me to be able to come back & read later on, so bear with me.

I went to work on October 13th & everything seemed normal enough. I was 36 weeks & 4 days pregnant...Mr. WB & I had started carpooling so just in case I went into labor at work, then Mr. WB would be able to pick me up & drive me to our hospital. But that day, I rode the metro (my area's local public transit rail - my job subsidizes the cost of it) because Mr. WB stayed home to telework (I switched my telework day that week due to a mandatory meeting). Now if you aren't from the a highly populated city, then it's important for me to note that everyone walks FAST to get on & off the trains and up & down the escalators, etc. So I got a decent amount of exercise in that day because I power walked in the morning & afternoon while commuting...not sure if that is important to my story or not, just my hypothesis, LOL. Anywho, I had a normal day at work, no real contractions to speak of. I had been having a couple of Braxton Hicks contractions the weekend before & that day as well. Not enough to be alarmed or call the doctor or anything, maybe 3-4 a day since the previous Saturday. I got home at my normal time - around 6pm & changed into more comfortable clothes. It was a really nice evening, so we planned to grill some pork chops that night. Mr. WB was out on the deck getting the grill ready & I was relaxing on the couch in my normal spot. :) Then, as I was watching TV, waiting to get started cooking, I felt this pop & gush around 6:45pm'ish. And I immediately stood up to get off the couch. I hadn't sneezed or coughed or anything, but I was in denial that my water had broke, so I just figured I lost control of my bladder randomly for some odd reason. Well, that was NOT the case at all!

I went to our powder room to try & pee & just see if that's what was going on. I said to Mr. WB, "The weirdest thing just happened to me..." He said, "What?" And I said, "I think my water just broke." Then he said, "Stop playing!!?!" So I told him I wasn't kidding & I made him come in the bathroom to check where the "water" was coming from (I had peed & then when I was done the gushing had not stopped - it would gush then stop, then gush again & I could feel that it wasn't coming from the same place pee comes from, haha). He checked & said, "Ummm, yeah that's definitely not pee!" So then he started getting excited & frantic at the same time, saying let's go to the hospital...NOW! I told him to calm down & then I remembered what my OB said at my 36 week appointment - she said if 1 of 3 things happened, then to call the Dr.'s office before heading to the hospital. One of those 3 things was my water breaking, so I had him call my OB instead while I cleaned up in the bathroom & then I put on a heavy pad & went upstairs to finish packing my bag for the hospital. I had never finished doing it! I planned to finish it during the upcoming weekend, but clearly that was too late! It was after office hours, so we left a voice mail for my Dr. & finished throwing stuff in my bag while waiting on the Dr. to call back. The baby's bag was packed already at least. :)  It's important to note here for all you other 1st time moms, I had NEVER lost my mucus plug or had a bloody show that I read so much about while pregnant.  My water just broke while I was resting on the couch with no warning. I did notice a light amount of blood on my pad that I changed once more before heading to the hospital, but otherwise, I didn't have any of the other labor warning signs. When my Dr. called back, she asked me a bunch of questions to try & ascertain if my water had broken & she agreed that it probably had, so she told me to come to the hospital to get checked out - not to rush because it was not an emergency since we had 24 hours to deliver the baby after my water broke to prevent infection.   So Mr. WB walked the dog & I put some food down for him. We got everything together, Mr. WB packed up my SUV & we headed out. I wish I had eaten something because once I got to the hospital, they didn't allow me to eat ANYTHING but ice chips. And I was SO hungry after a while.

On the way to the hospital I called my sister, dad, mom, Mr. WB called his mom & I texted a few close friends to let them know what was going on. I'll never forget that car ride. I think I was still in denial that it was happening right then. Mr. WB & I talked about how we felt about the baby coming so soon - excited, nervous, scared, happy...just a flood of a lot of emotions. So we got to the hospital & went up to labor & delivery (L&D) & they were ready for me because my Dr. had already told them I'd be coming in. They put me in a triage room (which was empty) to check me in, ask me some questions & I think the original plan was to do a test to ensure my water had, in fact, broken, but all the nurse checking me in did was take one look & she knew that it had. I wasn't in triage for long - they moved me to my labor, delivery & recovery (LDR) room shortly after (around 8:30pm), which was big & spacious. My Dr. came in shortly after to check in on me & we discussed my wishes during the birth. I told her I wanted an epidural, but not until I was at least 4-5 cm dilated. She checked my cervix & I was only 1 cm dialated, and since I wasn't really having any good contractions on my own, she said she wanted to give me a low dose of pitocin to see if it would help me progress.

The pitocin started working & it was rough - I mean ROUGH! Like the worst pain I ever remember feeling in my life. I was literally loosing my effing MIND. When I was about 2-3 cm dilated, I asked for a narcotic pain killer to help me manage the pain for a while longer before asking for the epidural. I was scared the epidural would slow down my labor, so I tried to wait it out. The pain killer they gave me in my IV (forgot the name) helped for like a minute, lol. It made me feel nice...between contractions, which were coming about every 5-7 minutes or so at this point, so I took little cat naps between them. The pain killer didn't work for long though. My contractions started to get more & more painful & closer together. I'm talking nobody touch me, grabbing on the bed rails, shaking all over, moaning in agony pain. When my Dr. came to check me again, I was close to 4 cm dilated & she asked if she could talk me into the epidural now & I said YES PLEASE. I had previously told Mr. WB not to let me get a epidural until I was at least 4-5 cm, so he innocently reminded me about that & I told him I literally didn't care what I said before, I needed this epidural! So the Dr. ordered it & it took the anesthesiologist an hour & a half to get to me. Apparently it was a really busy night for births, but sheesh I thought I was gonna loose my mind waiting on him! I was having contractions so closely together - about 1.5-2 minutes apart, so they kept coming while the anesthesiologist was placing the epi. I had to stay SO still, which was hard with all the pain I was in. Anywho, I got my epi around 4am & could only feel it in my right side at first & I thought I was gonna be one of those people you read about that still feel labor in one side after getting the epi. But my nurse told me to lay on my left side for a little while & see if that helped...it did, thank goodness. :)

It took about 10-15 minutes for the full effect of the epi to kick in, then I was all good. Numb from the waist down, so I didn't feel much by way of contractions after that. It was so nice to get a break from those contractions, whew. After that I went to sleep for a couple of hours & woke up around 6:30 am or so. My {new} nurse (they had changed shifts in the middle of the night) checked me & I was 9 cm! She called my Dr. who came in & told me that I'd probably start pushing in about an hour or two, so she told me to call my mom & sister, who were going to be in the room while I was pushing. I called them both & told them when to be at the hospital. By 7:30 am my sister had arrived, but my mother decided to go run an errand before coming to the hospital, lol. Just like my mom!! Ugh. Well by that time I could literally feel the baby's head on my pelvic bone. I told the nurse that I felt like her head was about to literally fall out of me, so she checked me & she was like "oh yeah, she's right there & your 10 cm, 100% effaced!" So she called my Dr. & told me to do a practice push, which I did & she told me to stop & not to push anymore until my Dr. arrived. She said that the baby was right there & ready to come with just a few pushes. By the time my Dr. arrived my mom was STILL not there, so she asked if I wanted to wait for her. My sister had just called to see where she was & she said she was turning into the hospital campus, so I said that I didn't want to wait any longer. I figured by the time she got there the baby wouldn't be out anyways. After a few pushes {about 5 min.}, my mom finally arrived & by that time I had gotten the hang of pushing. I pushed for maybe 10 more minutes for 10 seconds each time & she slid right out @ 8:10 am! They laid her right on my tummy & Mr. WB cut the umbilical cord. I cuddled her for a few seconds until they took her over to get cleaned up, measured, weighed, etc. She was so beautiful & cried right away! She got APGARs of 8 & then 9 & weighed in at 4 pounds 13 ounces & was 17.5 inches long. A teeny tiny little miracle - our sweet little baby girl!

And while they worked on her, my Dr. delivered the placenta, which I asked to see - [TMI ALERT] looked kinda like a redish purplish octopus, and sewed me up - I had a minor tear. The placenta was sorta gross & amazing all at the same time...my child had received everything she needed from me through that thing while growing away inside of me? The miracle of childbirth & God. Simply amazing.

After I got all cleaned up, my dad & little sister came by to visit & see the babe before I was moved to my post-partum room. And that's my birth story!

Although she was small & technically pre-term, she was really healthy, but had a little trouble maintaining a normal body temp & she had some jaundice. Due to her bilirubin levels/jaundice, she had to stay in the hospital one additional day for photo-therapy, which was scary for me & made me sad, but was best for her in the end. And I think it looked much worse than it actually was - I think she liked the warm lights & she did excellent sleeping under them:

 My poor baby! It looks worse than it was, she was pretty calm under the lamps (the nurse told me it was 85 degrees & comfy under the lights). It's just scary seeing your 3 day old baby with those "sunshades" on in that big incubator.

We are still adjusting to being parents & caring for a newborn is much more hectic than we both expected, but we are loving every minute of it! I am not saying goodbye just yet though, I still have a couple more posts in me - one of which will be What I learned being KU... the 3rd Tri Edition!

And for kicks, here are my final two sets of bump shots @ 35 & 36 weeks (in chronological order):

I Hate Facebook

How is it that every time I miscarry, as soon as I sign onto Facebook a friend of mine has updated their profile picture with a sonogram picture and everyone is all OMG! Congrats! Are you pregnant? Is it a boy or a girl? When are you due? I've had enough.

I'll admit, I'm bitter right now. In the past I have half-heartily written my own congrats on my friend's Facebook wall, but this time I just cannot do it. Come to think of it, in the past I have done a lot. I have shopped for maternity clothes with friends, bought baby outfits, planned baby showers and marked on my calendar when they were finding out the sex because I thought that I just had to get over it and stop being so selfish. Now? I just cannot do it anymore.

Please don't misunderstand - I am very happy for my friends, but right now the wound is too fresh and I just cannot fake it anymore. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. What it comes down to is this: In the past two years I have been pregnant a total of 4 times. And all I have to show for it is an extra 30 lbs, saggy bubbies and more heartbreak than anyone can imagine. I'm starting to lose faith, and I'm scared that I will never be able to carry a baby to term.

Mr. SB and I have an appointment next Monday (our anniversary! what a way to spend it.) with a high risk pregnancy specialist. We are going to see what they have to say. Our old doctor, whom I still adore, has done all that he can for us. He did his job. He got us pregnant. Now we need to move on to someone who can keep me pregnant.

We have decided that if our new doctor wants us just to try again without a new plan of action, we will move onto the next. I think it is silly to keep trying the same thing and expect different results (also the definition of insanity, I believe).

But right now I choose to be bitter. I choose to hate all things baby on Facebook and I choose to cry in front of others. I have always been perceived as being strong, unemotional and on occasions, have been accused of not having tear ducts. I realize now I cannot keep up this act anymore. I need to start being real.

Misoprostol Starts Tonight

I had my follow-up ultrasound this morning with the same MFM doc who I saw last Friday. Everything looked good to the tech, but when the doc came in, she showed me some retained fetal tissue. So tonight I'm starting 48 hours of misoprostol (400mg every 6 hours). I'm scheduled to go back on Thursday for a repeat ultrasound to make sure (again) that there's no retained tissue.

The midwife has told me that we'll need to wait out this cycle and the next before TTC again; MFM doc said she tells her patients to wait out this one and two more. So I'll be talking with the midwife on the 8th at my follow-up appointment to see what their logic is, and to see if it's a flexible "recommendation." :) I did order Vitex this week to add to my arsenal of TTC goodies for when it's go time again, given that my progesterone was low at my last beta draw.

I should also update you on how I'm doing. In short, not too well. Every day this week has been a struggle, and when I'm at work, I'm not productive. When I'm at home, I can't muster up the energy to do more than sit on the couch and stare off into the front yard. I've had breakdowns every day, and I'm considering it a good day when the breakdown happens after noon, or when I can hide my red eyes from my coworkers. Yesterday I made it until about 8pm. Today...no crying yet, and it's 1:30. I am finding that each day gets a little easier than the last. I have started running again after two weeks off, and it has definitely helped me feel more stable.

Mr. Magnolia Bud is having a rough time figuring out how he can help me, and I feel badly that he seems to be on the receiving end of my anger, since nobody else IRL knows about the miscarriage. We had a great talk last night, and I'm hopeful it helped him start to understand that I just need time, and I will start to heal soon.

Before finding out about the miscarriage, I had started a pregnancy journal/scrapbook to document our journey. This weekend, I am going to print the pictures we took documenting the pregnancy and finish those pages so I can get them off my work table. Maybe that will help me start the healing process.

Until next time...wishing you all sticky baby dust.

-Magnolia Bud

Turning Over a New Leaf...

AF arrived today. She woke me out of a sound slumber at 5 am with horrendous cramps. I got up to go to the bathroom and there she was. Stupid wench. I knew she was coming, but even with our diagnosis of MFI, it still never gets easier each month when she arrives. Fitness Bud's post got me thinking, and I am on my way to trying to turn over a new leaf.

I will admit at this very moment that I am 100 pounds heavier than I was the day that I married Mr. JB. I was not at my thinnest when we got married, but to me I was at my perfect weight, and if I could get anywhere near that weight again, I would be SO HAPPY. The problem has been that I am not unhappy at my weight. I know I am overweight, but I am happy with myself, my life, my family, and my career. So, it makes wanting to be successful in losing weight even harder.

This past week I made it a point to make it to the gym. I did go twice, and I will probably go again over the weekend. I felt good about going. I also tried to watch what I ate. I didn't deny myself, but I also did not overindulge. Overall, I think the week went well. I even felt like maybe I lost a pound or two. Definitely a step in the right direction.

The reason I am posting about this is because I think that working towards a healthier lifestyle is something that can help take my mind off of everything else that is going on, instead of letting it become just another thing we have to worry about.

The pictures below are my then and now. Our wedding, and our recent trip to the pumpkin patch. 'Nuff said.

~June Bud

Finally on the road to answers

Mr. PB and I had our infertility consultation today. We only met with a nurse practitioner, so she wasn't able to answer tons of our questions, but we did start on the road to diagnosis. After drawing out most of my blood, they set up an appointment for an HSG. Luckily for me, I normally O late (which the NP did say concerns her a little) and I can have it done on Monday. That will be a great day. Teach, go have dye and what-not shoved up my who-ha, then return for lunch duty and more teaching. Awesome!
DH also scheduled his SA. Well actually I scheduled it for him. Either way, his S/A is Monday 11/8. He is very nervous. You would think he would be nervous about the fact that his sperm may not actually swim, but nope, he is worried about have to get a "sample" by 8 AM! I told him we need to start practicing every morning to get him ready. :)
I am currently waiting to O, but we have decided to not really try this month. I am still going to temp, but we will not (try not to) BD on command. We will see how this goes.

Disgusted

When I started blogging over a year ago, I was in a very different place. I have talked plenty about the frustration of going from a place where we were ready to start TTC over a year ago, to employment situations changing, to now being in limbo and on hold. What I haven't talked about is the reason I have the screen name that I do; Fitness. Way back when, when TTC seemed like it was just around the corner, I was focused on fitness. I was working out regularly, I was eating well, and though I wanted to lose a few pounds, I wasn't overly concerned about where I was at.

My how times have changed. I don't know if the stress did it, or the disappointment, or the setback from being involved in a car accident. It could have been campaign season that did me in, or really just my own sheer stupidity. Either way, I am now 20 pounds heavier than I was, and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. My clothes don't fit, and things that used to look good on me now look far too snug.

Mr. Fitness Bud has always been my biggest fan. Even as I started gaining weight, he never stopped telling me I was beautiful, but I definitely stopped believing him. This is not a fun place to be in. I hate watching the numbers on the scale climb, yet I know that it is completely my fault. I may not be able to control my employment situation right now, but I CAN control my weight, and the time for that is now.

This was me on my wedding day. This was me when I was at a weight that I was comfortable with. I felt attractive. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't at my lowest weight, but I was at my "perfect" weight. I just felt good.

I don't feel good anymore. Which is maybe why I don't have any recent pictures.....I don't want to be in them!

This is the first time I have said this "out loud". I felt that with everything going on, that my weight was the least of my worries. But I need to get back to feeling good about myself. I need my confidence back.

So, it starts today. I am going public with these stupid weight struggles. I want to lose the weight BEFORE I get pregnant, so that I don't have an additional 20 pounds to lose AFTER. And I need accountability, so I am trying this again.

I know this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I know that I am not severely overweight. I also know each of us have different body types, and different sizes at which we feel comfortable. I am not saying that one way is better than another. I am only speaking for myself and how I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I am asking for help and support so that I can get there.

Thank you all so much. Today is a new day. And hopefully it will be a better one.

34 Week Update

8 1/2 months pregnant and trucking along.....

We had a great 34 week appointment with Dr Loh. The best news is that after finally finding and making an appointment with a Webster trained chiropractor and then trying some inversion exercises on Spinning Babies, tuesday night Smudge flipped! We now have a head down, LOA baby!! I know at 34 weeks, anything can still happen - but I'm just so happy right now. I made Dr Loh pull out the u/s to prove to me that the baby was head down. It was awesome. We didn't get more than a peak at Smudge's skull - but it was in the right spot and that's all that matters.

Mr DB keeps laughing at me now... especially when Smudge has a foot in my ribs, which has pretty much been consistent since s/he flipped. My favorites are when I have a foot in my rib and a hand on my cervix at the same time. SO comfortable. He says that Smudge is saying, "how do you like me, NOW, Momma?" Eh - i wanted the flip - so I'm not going to complain. I am, however, going to keep trying to move this foot!

Other good news from the OB's office... at 34 weeks I've gained a total of 17 pounds. At 32 weeks, it was 16. If I can keep this up - i might actually be able to stay at my goal of 20-25 pounds for the pregnancy, which would make me VERY happy.


Mr DB has been doing a great job in the nursery. He built a closet organizer last weekend:

ready for doors!

and hopefully after this weekend, the room will be done and ready for furniture (which is coming next monday). We just ordered some decals for the walls, and I can't wait to start decorating. We have 3 pictures that match the bedding, decals that match the bedding and I found a dandelion decal that I just got permission to order as well - and we're going to get it in a light green called "celadon". At first Mr DB was anti-dandelion decal, saying it's too girly and what if Smudge is a boy. But I think he figured out pretty quickly that I really wanted it! Yay! We're going to put it up in the space to the right of the closet above the wainscoting and have the seeds blowing out up and over the closet to the left (you can order the decal with the seeds blowing in either direction).

we'll have the dandelion facing the other direction and the seeds blowing the other way

So - that's it for now... our next appointment is with the perinatologist next friday. Hopefully we'll get a good look at Smudge then. I can't wait to get a weight estimate.

I can't believe it's almost time to meet this baby that it took us so long to make!

Ow!

Okay so I have to take my Follistim injections between 3-6pm. I had the pen all prepared and ready to go at 3pm. Watched the instructional video. Got all skeeved out watching the girl giving herself the shot. Walked away. Breathed a few times. Came back and psyched myself up to do it!

Couldn't do it. Got it right up to my skin and just shook.

Gah I hate shots!

DH got home and watched the video and did it for me.

It BURNED!!! I didn't expect it to hurt but it really did. I'm hoping today's won't be so bad since it will be room temperature and not cold this time.

All for a good cause... I'll keep reminding myself that!

Well its that time to say.. Goodbye

Its been fun exciting and totally worth it but its time to say good bye to my Bloomin' Babies readers. I would like to thank all of my followers for praying for my BFP, praying for a healthy pregnancy and delivery and for following along in my journey.

Through my journey I have learned alot about myself as well as Mr. OB. No one could have prepared me for motherhood. Its amazing wonderful and so rewarding. Its definitely the hardest job I have ever had.

I know some of you ladies out there are TTC, some are TTTC, some are TTA, and some are dealing with miscarriages. I hope that no matter who your higher being is out there, he blesses you with what you want. If that is carrying a child, adopting a child, or just having furbabies I hope everyone gets to experience being a mother. Its amazing and EVERYONE deserves a chance at it.

For those TTTC my advice is DONT GIVE UP! No matter what comes your way. I've been there done that. My heart aches for all of you ladies. No one deserves to deal with infertility NO ONE.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I found it.

May you find happiness in whatever route you choose and wherever your journey takes you. I sincerely hope you find peace in whatever decisions you choose be that IVF, IUIs, fertility meds, adoption or even just being content without children.

I hope some of my followers will follow me on my own personal blog here.

So to end it I would like to say thank you and best wishes to all of you!

And I can't end it without some newborn photos of my special little girl! She brings so much happiness to our lives. It really is truly amazing!

All photos by My Story Keeper

Countdown to FET in December

I finally got in touch with my donor coordinator today. Unfortunately I can't get my WTF scheduled until 11/8, but in the meantime I'm cleared to start BCPs on Friday to commence a 6-week FET cycle. My tentative transfer date is 12/17, the Friday before my holiday vacation. No word on any discounts and of course I'm too chicken to ask. The cost is about $2700 (cash) + meds (covered by insurance). My coordinator warned me that the success rates for frozen transfers is only 30-40%. Doesn't exactly fill me with hope but whatever, $2700 is cheap cheap cheap compared to what we've spent so far.

In other news, AF is plugging along. Didn't bother POASing tonight because I'm pretty sure it will be negative. Dunno if I'll end up getting a final beta....don't especially care (and honestly I'd prefer to save my $$).

With that, I think I'll sign off for awhile, at least until my WTF on 11/8. I need to restore my mojo in some areas that I've been neglecting. I'll be keeping up with my fellow Buds and cheering for them while I cool my jets.

Til then,
Golden Bud

#4

Well, the Betas are in and they are shit. I knew this was going to happen when I started spotting yesterday. Even though it was brown spotting, I knew what was coming. I've gone through it 3 times prior - I'm pretty much an expert!

So welcome miscarriage #4. You would think that I would be thrown a bone. At least one of these pregnancies should have been viable, right? Apparently not.

It is just so unfair. What a crock of shit it is that a financially stable, responsible, very much in-love couple cannot have a child. And I am just not saying this for me - I'm saying it for all of us that have been through or are going through this.

The thing that really gets me is that my body is perfect. Yes, I could afford to lose a few pounds, but that's about it. They have not been able to find a single thing that is medically wrong with me. I have had every test know to man done on me, and am surprised that I haven't been mistaken for a heroin addict, being that I have been a human pincushion for the past two years.

Wow, two years. Two years of trying to conceive only to end up with heartbreak in the end. Happy Anniversary to us.

I have an appointment with the RE next Wednesday. They are talking about shipping me up to The Cleveland Clinic for IVF with genetic testing.

I don't know what else to write. Infertility sucks.

I must be dreaming!

Um, we get to cycle this month!

Went in for my baseline this morning and had myself fully prepared to find some kind of cyst or tumor or something that would cancel the cycle again. I didn't even bother paying attention to this ultrasound this time.

When they didn't draw blood, I knew it was a bust and they found something bad. So I waited for the nurse to tell me they were calling in a script for birth control pills or scheduling surgery.

Because, you know... I'm so incredibly optimistic.

Color me shocked when the nurse sat down with the schedule for when to start the stims and what days, times, etc and what day to come back for my next monitoring appointment.

I burst into tears. hahahahahhaa. She was so surprised that she didn't even know what to say. I blubbered and apologized and said that I was SO prepared for the cycle to be canceled that I was overwhelmed with emotion to find out we were actually going to be able to start!!!

I start with 50 IU of Follistim tomorrow and every day until I go in Monday for my monitoring appointment.

SO NERVOUS!!!!

And, of course, I'm not expecting it to work.

On the Road Again...

The road to AF that is. Does anyone else do this???? Hello, we had Mr. JB's SA done, and of course we all know it wasn't good news. We have moved on to adoption, but in the back of my mind I still believe that MAYBE someday I will get pregnant. Like now. I am on CD23. I *usually* have a 26-27 day cycle. More often than not a 26 day cycle. I did have a couple of 29 day cycles in their towards the very end, and my last cycle was 30 days (but, I tend to think the 30 day cycle was a result of being on the progestorone supplement). Anyhoo, here I sit wondering if I am pregnant. I know. I know. I need to let it go and just focus on the adoption process. Which, I am...but, one can hope right??? I want to be that person that tells everyone about our infertility struggles with Mr. JB's sperm, and then ends up pregnant with that miracle baby. Hmmmph.

I even went looking for my BBT last night figuring that I could start temping again to see if my temps are up. I could not find it ANYWHERE. I have a hunch that Mr. JB threw it away. Seriously. He told me to get rid of it when we decided to go the adoption route, so it would not be beyond the realm of possibility that he did indeed trash it. Anyways, after a searching frenzy I gave up.

I have even resorted to looking at my FF chart again, even though I have not temped at all. I am thinking I O'd around CD 12-14, as I had tons of EWCM on CD 10, and I usually O within a few days of that. So, I figure I can ballpark when I O'd.

Gosssssh, I am a LOSER!

The fat lady, singing, etc.

I got my voice back today. I mentioned in an earlier post that I can tell I'm pregnant by the way my singing voice changes. I didn't have the heart to sing all weekend so I don't know when my voice changed back to normal.. All I know is that on my way home today I sang and hit all the high notes and then--I kid you not--AF arrived the second I got home. Of course I found this out when I went upstairs to pee on a stick. I haven't looked closely at it but I'm pretty sure it was a faint faint positive. Bet it'll be negative tomorrow.

In other news, my doctor is out of town all week, so I have no follow-up (aka WTF) planned. I emailed my donor coordinator today to ask for pricing and a sample calendar for a frozen cycle but she never wrote back. My prediction about a free or discounted cycle is therefore still in play.

As much as AF sucks, I'm relieved that my body is marching forward. And so far I haven't had any major cramping or anything like that. As gross as it sounds, a heavy flow will ease my mind a bit about scarring--uterine adhesions can sometimes cause your period to stop--so I'm sort of looking forward to a bit of action. 

In the meantime, I've wasted no time in eating raw oysters and salami, drinking, and taking hot baths. I stopped taking my prenatals so that I can poop like a normal person for once in 3 years. Might as well enjoy myself for the next month or so.

So now I wait for my doctor and donor coordinator to get back to me. And I'm thinking of Magnolia Bud and Diva Bud and Blueberry Bud and June Bud and Sarcastic Bud and Cherry Bud, too.

TTFN,
Golden Bud

Welcome to Town, Cycle 4!

Here we are. AF has come and gone, and I am ready to start over. HUZZAH!

I'm telling myself to feel optimistic about this cycle for a few reasons. Number one being that I have cleared the requisite three cycles post-BCP that it should take for my body to regulate. Never mind that my body has never been what one might call regular. Details, that's what they are, and hardly ones worth mentioning.

Secondly, my Mother is thoroughly convinced that this is TOTALLY my cycle. She looked at me all serious-like the other night and said "Look at me. It will happen soon." It was all very prophetic sounding, though I'm not sure what this says about my future child. Will he/she be born at the solstice and be the One?

I get that I'm grasping at straws here, but the beginning of a new cycle does this to me. After the monotonous waiting through a super long Pre-Ovulatory phase, then a freakishly long luteal phase and finally being back where I can DO something, is pretty darn exciting.

Plus, I'm totally BD-ing tonight. I guess its not really BD-ing though, if I'm still waiting to O. But seriously, it's been like a week because of AF. Unacceptable.

Hoping you love me even when I am inappropriate,

Starting Over

I think it is safe to welcome AF back for another visit... as she has just arrived (not totally, but I am spotting pretty heavily, so I can pretty much bet that she is here to stay). I kind of had a feeling, because my temp dropped slightly this morning... not below the line, but it did somewhat drop from where it had been hanging out...

I was staying positive after my BFN on Friday, when I POAS on 13dpo (I wanted to post about that today, but AF beat me too it)... I knew it was to early to test, but I just had to! Even Fertility Friend told me to wait until 18dpo, which would've been this Wednesday (I was 16dpo today), but now I have a couple of sticks, waiting to get peed on, that will just have to wait! The good thing is I got an OPK with my sticks, so I will give it a whirl this month, and see how it goes...

We will probably be welcoming a new cycle soon, TTC Cycle#2, for Mr. DBud and I. I am feeling ok about it. I felt really good about the progress we made this month, and thought that maybe, just maybe, it would've been the month... but I am sure you may recall my post where I mentioned not getting my hopes up about TTC Cycle#1 (actually, there might be multiple, because I have mentioned this a few times). We will just try again, and try to stay positive, even if it takes longer than we would like... the least we can do is try, and keep our chins us. Nothing wrong with practicing the BD in the meantime ;)

I wanted to take a moment to tell my fellow Buds, dealing with their own Fertility Issues that I am thinking of you, and praying for you. We are all in this together... we are all in different places in our TTC Journey, but we are all here for the same reason, and we all understand each other. I am sending positive vibes and baby dust to all of you! Sooner or later, it will be y(our) turn :)

Beta 2 results are in

Today I went for my second beta draw at 18dpIUI. We are at 279 today-up from 42 at 14dpIUI. While I am still terrified, I am starting to feel a bit more cautiously optimistic about things. On Monday (11/1), we see our RE. To my fellow buds who are going through a difficult time right now, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you have brighter days ahead in the very, very near future.

No More Waiting...

Well, it seems as though our waiting has come to an end. Baby Magnolia Bud wasn't meant to join us. I miscarried on Saturday afternoon.

Mr. MB and I had been preparing ourselves for it most of last week, especially after my betas came back Thursday (I was a wreck), and even more of one after our ultrasound Friday, so when it finally happened, I was just numb. Friday afternoon/evening I had increased bleeding and cramping, and then I cramped really badly on Saturday. We were in a little mountain town all weekend for some work meetings I had to attend, and we had been planning on spending Saturday afternoon hiking--the OB who saw me Friday said I could still go, just take it easy if I wasn't feeling well. Well, we only were able to manage one trail, and the whole time I felt sick to my stomach because the cramps were so bad. Once we got back to our hotel, I realized why :( The bleeding pretty much tapered off starting Saturday night, and has been pretty light since.

We're both still pretty numb (and realistically, I think I'm in a bit of denial), and I suspect I might lose it again after I talk with the nurse at our clinic this morning. She's supposed to be calling with my betas from Friday. I need to find out:

• What happens next? I'm assuming I'll still go for my follow-up ultrasound on Friday to make sure everything passed naturally;
• How long do we wait before we can try again?
• Should we still go to the birth center tour on Wednesday? (Mr. MB and I haven't decided if we even want to, but if we're still pretty numb, we had considered it so it's out of the way for next time).

Yesterday when we got home from our weekend away, I put away all the reminders around the house of the pregnancy. Clothes in the back of the closet, books back on the bookshelf, unsubscribed from all the e-mails, and deleted my Amazon wish list. I also logged into Fertility Friend to update my account, and got out a new paper chart and my thermometer. I'll be peeing on HPT's every couple of days starting tomorrow to see when my levels have dropped to zero (well, less than 12.5 on the IC's ;) )

Thanks to each of you for your thoughts and prayers over the last week.

-Magnolia Bud

Apprehensively waiting!

Before I left work yesterday, I decided to send the social worker from the agency we are going to work with (hopefully) for our adoption. When I spoke to her a few weeks ago, she did the prelim questions with us, and when all of those checked out okay, we went on their waiting list. They won't be able to take on new adoptive parents til sometime after the new year, so from there it would just be a waiting game.

I felt like I needed to check in. So, I emailed her. I got a response today, and she said that they are still looking at the beginning of the year for new adoptive parents, but that applications to all the couples on the wait list are going out next week. Then once our application is approved we can start getting the ball rolling.

YAY! At least this is progress! I am an OVERLY, and when I say overly, I probably should say OBNOXIOUSLY overly impatient person, so just having something to look forward to really helps!

~June Bud

Perspective

Getting off the infertility rollercoaster is such a relief. No more shots, no more pills up my chooch, no more sticky residue on my stomach. No more wondering....  Last night I took off my estrogen patches, put all my pills and needles away, and threw my cycle calendar in the trash. All signs of infertility and loss are now tucked away (again) in my closet.

I sent email to my donor coordinator asking to speak to my doctor asap. I was debating whether to switch doctors or ask for a second opinion, but I hate to ruffle feathers just yet. For now I want to have some idea of the timeline we're looking at. (Of course I already made my prediction in my last post, but I want to hear it from the doctor.)

I told my donor coordinator that I wasn't going to schedule another blood test. I am sick of blood tests, and I'm not ready to face the clinic staff in person. The condolences are appreciated, but we've already been there, done that. I'll probably POAS this weekend to see how things are going. When the pee sticks go negative, I'll make the appointment. Hopefully my body won't betray me yet again with hcg that sticks around. Can I please just go back to 0 like a normal person?

The reason I titled this post "Perspective" is that my cycle buddy, another DE recipient who also had a loss earlier this year, was cycling again about 2 weeks ahead of me and she just found out she has an extremely rare ectopic pregnancy known as a cervical pregnancy. We both got our BFPs but unfortunately hers stuck in a tragic way. My heart breaks for her...I cannot even imagine the pain she is going through. Infertility is so cruel.

The Little Beta That Could

Beta #2 is back. Not good news, but not necessarily bad.

HCG is at 67, progesterone at 17.5

They wanted to see it go up to 80, but the nurse told me that because the numbers are lower, sometimes there is a margin of error when they test the blood. In actuality, my numbers could be higher (yes, they could be lower too, but I'm trying not to think of that).

So I will go in on Tuesday to have my 3rd draw. They want my numbers to be around 220. That seems like such a large jump from 67, and it makes me extremely nervous.

My only symptoms right now are fatigue and sore BBs - no nausea and I'm still able to to go the bathroom (TMI?).

So again, its a waiting game for the most impatient girl in the world.

Itching to POAS!!!!!

I am 13dpo and itching to POAS... Even though Fertility Friend (www.fertilityfriend.com) says to wait until 18dpo.

Decisions, decisions... I think I am going to buy a 3 pack of First Response tests and take one tomorrow... That is, if I don't take one tonight ;) I can't help but be anxious! I have had some cramping and gas, and my forehead broke out like never before (it's only a few blemishes, but that's a lot for me since I normally have good, blemish-free, skin). I have been a little moody too. Then again, I could be overanalyzing all this :-/ I guess we'll find out soon enough!

I just have to say... If Mr. DBud and I are successful in our 1st month TTC, I will be sooooooo shocked. Like, seriously, I will be shocked beyond belief. If I am not, of course I will be slightly disappointed, but I never thought of myself as being one of those women who conceive on their first try. And what's more, the night we BDed and *possibly* conceived, Mr. DBud finished quicker than ever! I know, TMI, but he usually takes forever, and this time it was super quick!! So strange...

Until my next update... :)







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Ultrasound Results = More Waiting

I wanted to pop on and give you all a quick update before Mr. Magnolia Bud and I head for the mountains for a little R&R this weekend.

I had my first ultrasound this morning, and we were able to see a yolk sac and get a CRL measurement. From all the measurements, the embryo is measuring just about 6 weeks (range 5w5d-6w1d). I was able to see the corpus luteum, as well as a pocket of blood on my cervix (that will likely cause more bleeding). I had another beta draw, plus they're going to be testing my progesterone levels with today's blood too. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound next Friday--so until then, we wait with a diagnosis of threatened miscarriage.

Today is a day I really wish I hadn't been charting so I could let myself feel a little more optimistic. Unfortunately, the logic/committed-to-charting side of me isn't letting that happen.

Have a great weekend!

-Magnolia Bud

Chemical pregnancy: Check

Mr. GB will tell you that I'm almost always right. It drives him crazy. I have a sixth sense about things and a way of predicting the future that surprises even me. And I had a feeling this past weekend that I was looking at a chemical. I don't care what anyone says--the pee sticks don't lie. And this morning's pee stick was lighter than last night's, and it was no shock that my hcg has dropped to 29.


While I would have liked to be one of those miracle low-hcg success you always hear about, why should I be? Absolutely nothing in the reproductive department has EVER gone my way. Ever. I always fall on the wrong side of the statistics. Always. My RE clinic has a 77% success rate for donor cycles. Guess where I fell? My Bitter Infertile's Bucket List just got another check mark. Whoopee.

Why won't anybody believe me when I know that things aren't going to work out? Mr. GB and his foolish optimism this morning...even my RE who seemed to think that a bum lining wouldn't cause issues. Was that some kind of sympathy diagnosis? Can I please get a refund on my embryo transfer because I effing told you so?

I have to go back again in a week to make sure my level is 0. Gee, as if I didn't spend all goddamn summer waiting for my level to go to 0. Now I get to do it again. (Isn't it ironic that I'm more pregnant when I'm NOT pregnant? That I use more pee sticks trying to get UNPREGNANT than pregnant?) And then there are all the hugs and sympathy notes from the nurses and staff. (That's 5 failures for me at that clinic, but who's counting?) I might need two checkmarks next to "Cried at the RE's office."

And is this even a loss? Or is it just some pink dye that showed up due to a chemical reaction?

And to think I thought I could get pregnant again before my due date. HA! Wasn't that a cute little bit of hope wrapped up in a $25,000 bow.

So let me tell you how I think this is going to end.

I will have a follow-up phone call with my RE. She will tell me that she really thought this would work, that I would get lucky. Maybe she'll offer me a discount on a frozen cycle. She'll tell me to wait for AF (which will be here within a week or so), and then she'll tell me to call and schedule yet another hysteroscopy so she can look for scarring. (My gut says that there is no scarring because the transfer itself went smoothly and there didn't seem to be any blockage, but who knows, maybe there is a bad patch or two.) AF is going to make Saw 3 look like a fairy tale. Now I know from experience that my first post-failure cycle always takes 40-50 days (unless she puts me on the pill). Assuming I go pill-free, this pushes us out to 2011 before I can cycle again. And that assumes I don't need any follow-up surgery to deal with scarring. So now I am very possibly looking at celebrating my 40th birthday in February with no baby and no pink dye. Or maybe we'll get lucky and have a frozen transfer on my birthday like the one we had on our anniversary. I'm going to ask for the same doctor as last time (Dr. D). And I'm going to transfer 2 and both are going to stick and we'll live happily ever after and donate our other 3 embies to another couple.

Or something like that.

Pregnant.

Oh wow, I never thought I would see this day! Monday was our anniversary (11dpIUI for me). I tested for kicks and also because I am a moron and of course saw the same old stark white BFN on a FRER. I also had cramps and a backache and was feeling overall despodent and pathetic. I even though of asking DH if we could postpone our anniversary dinner since I was in such a sucktacular mood. I drank wine quite liberally since I was pretty much convinced that there was no way in hell I was KU. We did end up going out and having a lovely time. Literally, as soon as we left the restaurant, I got awful cramps and started to feel very ill. My stomach got super bloated and I had vomiting and diarrhea (sorry if TMI) throughout the night and the following morning.

I felt like a miserable basketcase and noticed my skin was breaking out a little, too -- great, I have a stomach virus AND I am super PMSy I thought. Awesome. My temps were staying consistently high, but since I was certain I was sick with some GI virus, I was convinced this was some evil tease caused by my "illness" (ahem, pregnancy). Yesterday morning at 13dpIUI I could once again no longer resist my primal urge to pee on things, even though I was still convinced I couldn't be pregnant (but pg or stomach bug, a POAS addict like myself could not be talked down from peeing on something with a 98.8 temp at 13dpIUI).

What I saw was quite the curiosity--a vague hint of a vague hint of a vague hint of a faint (evap?) line. I shoved it in Mr. Blueberry Bud's face for him to scrutinize and he told me he did see the faint shadow to which I was referring but that was definitely a negative pregnancy test that he was staring at. BFN or not, I had never seen anything quite like it before, so it was slightly suspicious.

Fast-forward to 6AM this morning, as I was poised to see that my temp plummeted to 97.5F...BUT it was holding steady at 98.8F. Again, convinced that this couldn't really be it after being used to so much disappointment, I half-heartedly POAS. I am not sure why this morning was so different, but for the first time ever, I didn't anxiously hover over the test to see it develop. I walked away, checked my email, and calmy returned 3 or 4 minutes later. My hand shook as I saw that second clear line, the second line that I was so convinced I would never get to experience after so many stark white BFNs. I didn't cry or scream, I just walked over to DH with the pee stick, shaking, and said "I think I'm pregnant?" Our EDD is 6/30/10 based on the day of IUI and O. Today I had my first beta drawn (14dpIUI). It was 42, which is not really great, but I am praying for good news next week when I have my second beta drawn and I am so, so grateful to just have gotten this far. It feels like a miracle.

The Waiting Continues...

I just got a call from a very nice nurse at the midwife's office with the results of my first betas. Too bad the numbers aren't as nice as the nurse.

6966 at 7w6d.

Unfortunately, those don't look so good. The number is definitely low, and as intervention-free as the office tends to be, they recommended I go in for the first available ultrasound because they now suspect a blighted ovum, given that I had good dates (thanks to charting!). They're faxing over the paperwork to the hospital this morning, and the ultrasound clinic is supposed to be calling me soon. I'm also going in first thing tomorrow for another blood draw (betas and I'm going to be requesting a progesterone check too).

The nurse spent a good couple of minutes on the phone to make sure I was ok (I'm not really, but I'm trying to hold it together until I get the call from the hospital--at that point I can leave work), and briefly explained my options if it turns out to be a blighted ovum. I really wish this wasn't happening, and I hate that all I can do is wait. I'm really happy that everyone I've talked with/seen at my midwife's office is so nice--I do feel like they care what happens to me and this baby, and that has made a big difference for me this week.

I'll let you know as soon as I know anything.
Magnolia Bud

Beta hell

Last night I had a good-old-fashioned pity party. It's something I have to hide from Mr. GB, because he gets so upset when I'm upset. I've perfected opportunistic crying. Mr. GB goes upstairs to pay bills--I cry. We go to bed and Mr. GB reads with his headphones on--I cry. I even got in a bonus cry by waking up at 3am and crying myself to sleep just moments before my alarm went off. And this morning I cried as I drove to an all-day customer meeting. Good times.

I swear 2010 has been the year of pity parties. I've had more than I can count. No, actually, I can count them, by heart:

• Donor #1 fert report
• Donor #1 freeze report
• Donor #1 bad transfer
• NT Scan
• Termination
• Found out D&C #2 couldn't be scheduled for over a month after my hysteroscopy
• Donor #2 drama (break-up nearly derailed our cycle)
• Donor #2 lining issues
• Donor #2 low beta

I have cried more this year than I probably have in my previous 38 years combined. Fortunately I tend to cry preemptively, and thus I'm usually prepared for bad news. And sometimes I end up with good news and my crying was all for nothing. I'm really hoping today is one of those times.

So I'm on my second batch of pee sticks. Same brand but the packaging is different. The pee sticks aren't getting any lighter, but they aren't getting significantly darker. Mr. GB is still hopeful, and my cycle buddy (who had a miraculous late-implanter) is also hopeful. Symptom-wise it's hard to gauge what's going because of the massive progesterone and estrogen I'm taking. I never had morning sickness last time so I can't even count on that.

I truly am prepared for the number to go down. All things considered, I'll take a chemical over a miscarriage any day. It's one more thing to add by my Bitter Infertile Bucket List, which I'll be publishing here if things don't go my way. It's something that other infertiles can print out and track on their own. You know, things like "IVF BFN" and "Donor's worst cycle ever." And don't forget such classics as "Cycle delay due to cyst" and "Cried at the RE's office." Check check check check.

I'm going to be at a customer conference again tomorrow, so I'm going to ask my donor coordinator to just email my results because there's no way I want to get that phone call in front of other people. I'm grateful for the distraction.

More tomorrow.

Night all,
Golden Bud

Affirmative

Beta #1 is in!

HCG is at 44 and progesterone is at 14. Since my progesterone is still pretty low, they have upped my dosage of devil pills to twice a day.

I go back on Friday for my second draw to see if my numbers double. They didn't the first time, and I'm scared to death it will happen again.

Right now its all about milestones. First, to make it past Friday. Then, to make it past 6 weeks. Finally, to be able to make it to December 20th when I will be in my second trimester.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up right now, but I am trying to be positive.

Here's hoping this is our sticky baby!

Here we go again!

CD 1 again. AF decided to show up during sixth period. Let's add some insult to injury, I have a killer cold and almost no voice. This is a hard day for me. It seems to get harder and harder. I guess Mr. PB and I are definitely have our RE consultation next week. I only hope now that we will have a little bundle of joy by next Christmas. I'm going to leave this short and sweet because I just can't hold myself together. As Scarlett O'Hara so famously said, "Tomorrow is another day."

Today is the last day...

Of birth control pills!!! YAY!!!!

I'm trying this whole "be positive" thing. So I expect to be posting my bfp in a few weeks, okay?

If my cyst shrunk from 4cm to 2cm in 2 weeks, it should shrink small enough to move forward with injections in a week and a half, right!?

So here's hoping that AF starts soon!!! I'll be pulling out all of the white underwear and pants that I own to trick the wench into showing her ugly face.

It's been a nice break, although unwanted. But I'm ready to get back in the game, coach. I've got 2 cartridges of Follistim and an HCG shot in the fridge just itching to be used! I've never been so excited to get a shot in my life. Crazy the twists that life takes...

Lookin' good...

Nothing major to report... Just downloaded this blogging app to my phone, and wanted to try it out, and give a slight update.

Still charting and waiting until about Saturday to start the POAS phase... According to my chart, AF is due next Wednesday, the 27th. My temps have stayed pretty much in the high range, rising again this morning, so things are looking good :) Now, we wait and see! Check out my chart...







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Update & More Waiting...

First, thanks to everyone for your thoughts & prayers yesterday. They meant a lot to me. And thank you to Golden Bud for the shout out! I'm thinking of you and praying your numbers double on schedule!

I had my appointment today at our birth center. We tried listening for Baby MB's heartbeat with the doppler, but it was apparently too early (we weren't surprised, I'm only 7w6d). The midwife did an internal, looked at my cervix (she said it looked like a pregnant cervix--no new bleeding, all brown/old; blue in color, which means it has good blood flow; not effaced at all, and appeared to be a normal length), and felt my uterus (she said it was the right size for almost 8 weeks). She took blood to run betas on, and I'm going back Friday and Monday for more bloodwork/betas. Once those numbers come back, we'll look at whether we need to do an ultrasound at the hospital. The midwife said she suspects the numbers will come back right on track, and she'll be calling me tomorrow with today's number as a baseline.

So now I wait some more. I stopped home to write this before going in to work, and my plan is to just take it easy until I go back on Friday. I forgot to ask what I should be doing/not doing in terms of exercise since I'm still spotting, so I'm taking the cautious-just-sit-on-the-couch route until I go back.

Lots of love and baby dust,

Magnolia Bud

No News is Good News?

Not much has been going on in the world of June Bud. We are enjoying our October, and each weekend has been full of fall fun. Still no word on any children available for adoption, but we are still waiting anxiously and hoping that something comes along soon. Just wanted to give you a pretty little update!

~June Bud

The Good News and The Bad

Well friends, last time I wrote, I was excitedly reporting about a phone interview that I had for a job. It was a great feeling, and the interview went extremely well (in my humble opinion). However, here I am a week later, and I have not heard anything. I also never recieved a response to a follow-up message that I sent. Needless to say, I am left to assume that I am not getting a second interview, but I sure wish someone had the courtesy to call back and tell me that. I was disappointed last week when I hadn't heard anything by Friday, and was even more disappointed today, until............

(Insert back-story here)

As some of you know, I currently have an insanely chaotic job in politics. Since it is an election year, and everyone state office is up for re-election this year in my state, things are NUTS with my job. I am working about 80 hours a week, sleeping almost never, and stressed beyond belief. In addition to having a really tough campaign that I am working on, one of the people close to the campaign is a tough-as-nails lobbyist who is insanely well connected, but also really hard to work with. I have made it my mission to prove that I can withstand her pressures, and do it with a smile. She cannot break me! In any case, I think she realized that I can hack it, and now she likes me.

And then today............................

Today she told me that after the election is over she will be more than happy to do whatever she can to make sure I get a job. And I know that she will because she is true to her word and she would only say it if she meant it. So THAT gives me hope that everything will be ok. The other positive news is that if our governor candidate wins the election appx. 2,000 jobs will open up in his administration, and fortunately I have somehow managed to gain the recommendation of people that matter and have some pull. This is what I wanted, and as much as it has been frustrating that this has been such a long freaking road, I am still holding out hope.

Heartburn and backaches and swollen feet... OH MY!!! It's 3rd tri!

Well as the title says, I am now fully entrenched in 3rd tri (31w at writing) and fully entrenched in all its lovely glory. I have heartburn pretty much 24/7, and it's worst in the evenings. I carry a bottle of Tums around the house with me, and have taken to drinking hot milk with our evening TV session to try to counteract the acid with a base. Hey, at least I'm getting my calcium!

Then, when I finally give in and go to bed, I sleep for about 5 hours before waking up to horrible back pain. I have to get out of bed and stretch, switch positions and pillow formations, and sometimes pop some Tylenol in hopes of catching some more shut eye.

And all this with swollen and puffy feet. I can't even enjoy foot massages from DH anymore, because my big toenails are getting ingrown under the puffy skin and it hurts too much.

But, it'll all be worth it. In just 9 weeks, Little Nature Bud will be here, and we'll start the next fantastic journey of our lives. I cannot wait. Every time I'm feeling extra annoyed by my body, I go sit in his nursery, or look at his tiny clothes, and remind myself that it's all going to pay off in the end.

In the meantime, Rolaids anyone?

Photo Credit

Back in limbo

I have known my donor coordinator long enough that I can tell by her voice when something is wrong.

She called me today with my blood results and yes they are positive, but the number is "a little low." My hcg level is 34. She said they'd like to see it >50. Granted I did go in a day early, and by tomorrow it may very well be 50, but today it's 34 and now I have something new to obsess about. Great. I was trying very hard not to compare cycles and yeah my pee sticks took longer to darken up this time, but in my head I'd already calculated the doubling rates and knew that if I had a 5 or so at 9dpo (apparently these sticks are sensitive enough per reviews on Amazon), then yeah by now it'd still be on the low side and I'd secretly prepared myself for that. What I also didn't confess to you is that last week I ordered a refill on my pee sticks and they are coming today, and you can bet I will be peeing on them for another couple days.

Can this get any harder?

PS: Hugs to Magnolia Bud for her spotting scare. I hope your ultrasound goes well tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes thus far. I hope I don't let you down.

Golden Bud

I'm Worried

Starting Saturday night (after a day of yard work), I started having a teeny bit of light brown spotting. It continued Sunday, and stayed pretty light in amount and color. Yesterday it was mostly gone, and today it's returned. Unfortunately, it's gone from light brown to pink, and I started having cramping with the spotting.

I called my midwife's office today, and they have me scheduled for the first appointment tomorrow. I'll be having a physical exam and bloodwork at their office, then heading to the hospital for an ultrasound to see what's going on. Mr. Magnolia Bud is worried sick, and I'm worried, but I also know there's nothing I can do but keep my feet up, stay hydrated, and pray. So I'm leaving work in a few minutes to go home and do just that.

I'll update you tomorrow...

Lots of Love,

Magnolia Bud

Pre-IVF Appointment

I just got back from the RE where I had my pre-IVF appointment, which consisted of a catheter check/mock transfer, more bloodwork, and injection training. I also got my IVF calendar.

Catheter Check/Mock Transfer
- No one told me this part would hurt!!! I guess I never really asked either, but OUCH. The pain was comparable to my HSG, but the cramping is still going. Basically, the RE puts in the catheter that they use to do the embryo transfer to get an idea of where she is going with it for the real thing. She also used the vag cam, as if I wasn't already uncomfortable enough.

Bloodwork- This was our infectious disease panel. Mr. Sassy Bud got to partake in the blood drawing fun also. Too bad the nurse wouldn't give him the pink bandage like I requested.

Injection Training
- The first three injections I will be taking seemed like no biggie (Lupron, Follistim, & low dose HCG). The post ER drug, on the other hand, NOT fun. PIO- Progesterone in Oil- is painful and the needle is big.

IVF Calendar
- Basically I have one more week of BCP, a few days of Lupron, and then I start my other meds to stimulate my ovaries. Timing wise- I could be PG by Thanksgiving, depending on my response!

I don't have to go back for monitoring until next CD1, which should be about 2 weeks from today.

The CD1 Dance and the Cramps from Hades

This is the entry I started to write yesterday:

I'm doing it.

The CD1 Dance.

I don't know if you've ever seen it, but one engages in it when a monstrosity of a cycle comes to an end on its own and one can finally start trying again for Baby CB.

I've never, in my entire life, been so happy to see AF. I could kiss her, cramps and all.

How naive I was.

Apparently AF is so angry at having not been able to visit for the past three months that she is making up for it now in the form of "Cramps from Hades"

So I take it back. All of it. I never want to see AF again. Ever.

Hugs to both Golden Bud and Magnolia Bud. Hoping and Praying for good news for both of you.

Time to toss the cup!

After my loss in May, I bought a 50-pack of HPTs for $10 from Amazon. I used more than half while waiting for my HCG to go to 0 (which required another D&C, unfortunately), and I've been using the remainder for this cycle.

Tonight I'm officially out of pee sticks. And I'm pretty sure I'm officially pregnant! Here's my final pee-stick gallery, complete with tonight's test. Besides realizing I'm insane, I also discovered that I get far better results in the late afternoon than with FMU. The morning tests just stressed me out. Boo. 

I go in for my blood test tomorrow morning, which I'll repeat in 2 days to make sure my HCG is doubling. Assuming all goes well, I'll have my first ultrasound at 7 weeks.

I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself, just in case (a prior loss will do that, I'm afraid). I'll let you know my HCG numbers later this week.

Yippee!
Golden Bud

Official Retraction

I may need to retract my last post.

I think I'm pregnant.

I took a test, and there were definitely two lines there. Not to mention the symptoms I've been having that I have totally blamed on the progesterone - fatigue, sore BBs, mild cramping, lower back aches, gas and nausea.

I must have ovulated A LOT later than I thought. I have been off of progesterone for two days, which kind of makes me nervous.

I'm going to wait until Thursday and then test again - just to make sure it wasn't an evaporation line. Not calling my doctor yet either.

My first reaction? I cried. I'm so scared.

You Want Me To Put What, Where?

I just finished my progesterone supplements. And as much as I am an oversharer, I'm quite shy about my, ummm, Chucky.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I did not take these by mouth. When the pharmacist described them as suppositories, I did a side-eyed double take. Ya, these were not to be taken by mouth, but put closer to where the baby would be (God bless the woman's heart who explained this to me).

You guys? I dont even use tampons unless absolutely necessary. I don't like My Chucky to be invaded.

Despite my apprehension, after the first night, I was fine with them...except for what transpired the next morning.

I'm going to do everyone a favor and not describe what happened the next morning - I'm sure you can use your imagination.

So, at 15 DPO I am not pregnant, and I stopped taking my progesterone. Ya, it is kind of a bummer not to be knocked up, but it is sweet relief to be rid of theose demon pill for just a little while - if only for the phatom symptoms they caused me (fatigue, sore BBs and mild cramping).

This cycle, because my progesterone was only at a 7, my doctor will be upping my Clomid dose to 150 mgs. I'm scared for Mr. SB.

I hate to say it, but I have a REALLY good feeling about this cycle. Even though My Chucky still isnt too keen on the progesterone supplements, I'm hoping that it will help us have our long awaited for take home babe.

Don't know what to think of this...

Being that I am quite new at this (that's an understatement), I have no idea what to make of this chart...

On Saturday morning, I was too lazy to get up and temp, so I missed that one (I know, shame on me, but I went to bed really late the night before). I did, however, temp on Sunday, and it seems like my temp is staying consistently high.

What does this mean? I remember once hearing about how your temp goes up when you ovulate, and it stays up if you've actually been successful in conceiving... but I am not sure... I have heard varying opinions about this. I want to go back into at my Fertility Friend lessons and see what they say about it...

Technically, I'm in my 2ww, but they are recommending I do not test until about day 18-20, since this is my first TTC/Charting month, and we are not too sure about my luteal phase. In the end, the only way to know for sure is to POAS at the recommended time... We'll see if I can wait that long ;)

I am even looking at the Chart Gallery on Fertility Friend, and comparing mine to other women with similar issues (PCOS, overweight) to see how mine compares... but I won't start jumping up and down yelling "yippee" until I get a BFP...

I guess we'll know soon enough... or, not soon enough, rather.

16 DPO

Today is 16 DPO, and my fourth negative pregnancy test.

I know I should rejoice in my freakishly long luteal phase, because when we finally do get pregnant, it's one less thing to worry about, but a 17 day luteal phase is such a TEASE. I get to 15 and 16 DPO, and the "OMG, I'm totally pregnant. I totally am." thoughts start churning out, only to be dashed against the rocks by the next negative test. I'm expecting AF tomorrow, and I've been cramping on and off for the last three or four days, so I'm thinking this may be the end of Cycle 3.

On the one hand, I'm happy for the chance to start over. It's another chance for Baby CB. On the other, the dread over the idea of another cycle nearing triple digits is a bit overwhelming. It would be hard enough to be heading into our eighth month TTC, but knowing that the eighth month will possibly stretch into the ninth, tenth and eleventh month waiting out one cycle, is infuriating.

Adding to that, one of my high school friends just announced her pregnancy. She will be a wonderful mother, and she and her husband are great people, but it was an accident. Somehow the fact that her ovaries are working so efficiently as to push through BCP when mine have the work ethic of a three toed sloth seems a bit unfair.

I understand that this is a pity party. I know that I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But I think all of us do at this point in our cycle, when we know its not going to result in a little one and we're just waiting for AF to show up.

Sigh. Trying to think happy thoughts and remember that God has a plan.

faint line limbo

I now have in my hands 4 hpts with lines so faint that I need my glasses to see the line. On the one hand, a line is a line. On the other hand, by this time in my last cycle (8d3dt or 11dpo) I had a faint but unmistakable positive. This time I need magnification and a bright light to see the line. Granted, I'm using a different brand of test than last time (similar cheapie internet strip), so perhaps these aren't as sensitive. I'm also worried that I may be seeing evap lines. But then again, I have another 5-6 hpts that don't have the line. I also used one to test Mr. GB's urine and his has no line.

Here you can see what I'm talking about. I had to tweak the contrast to make the line stand out. Sorry about the bizarre colors.

Here's another view with a series of tests. Mr. GB's test from this morning is on top. I have a few other clear negatives that I didn't include because their surfaces were kind of scratched and they were hard to read.

I have too much time on my hands!

So here I wait for the evening to test again, which is when I seem to get better results.

Ugh.

Praying for a line,
Golden Bud

Sleeping through the night

I am, that is! This week, especially the last half of the week, my sleep has gotten good enough that I'm becoming functional again. Until Wednesday, I had been having the worst nights--in bed by 9, up by 1:30 to pee, trouble falling asleep for 30-60 minutes, back awake by 4 to pee again, and then restless until my alarm went off at 6:30. It was really starting to take a toll on my work and how much I saw Mr. Magnolia Bud. For two nights in a row, I've been sleeping almost through the night--going to bed about 9:30, waking up at 5:30 to pee, and sleeping from then until 7. I feel like a whole new person!

Otherwise, the bloat is getting worse (as it should be), the nausea comes and goes (gone more than it's here, thankfully), and my boobs hurt worse than ever. But they've also grown...from a pre-pregnancy A to at least a B. It's awesome!

I need to end this here and go help Mr. MB with yardwork now. We're putting stone borders around our garden and front yard tree today, and the stone was just delivered. I'm thankful he's doing the heavy lifting. I apparently get to do all the associated errands ("Honey, we need a shovel." "Honey, we need a wheelbarrow." etc., etc.)

Have a great weekend, everyone!